Daniel Sloss: Live Shows

Thank you. Thank you.

It's nice to be back in the States.

It's been a year since I've been here.

It's changed a bit.

I like what you've done with the place.

I think it's good that you're going through this change though, right?

Because finally different jokes will be made about you.

I'm not going to be one of those foreign comics that comes over

and stereotypes you. I think that's very unfair.

There are 300 million Americans.

You cannot stereotype 300 million cunts, right?

It can't be done.

I don't mind if you stereotype Scotland.

There's seven of us, it's probably accurate.

I drink, and I'll punch you in the face, on nothing.

Sick of the stereotypes that you guys get. "All Americans are stupid."

"All Americans are stupid." Not true.

Absolutely not true.

I've met several of you, far more intelligent than I am.

That's not necessarily a compliment.

But it doesn't negate the fact.

Right? Same thing with all Americans are fat.

"All Americans are fat." Again, absolutely not true.

It's just that when you are fat, it's fucking impressive.

Like...

We get obese in the UK, I'm like:

"Yeah, if that's your life, you live that."

Proud. Over here,

I see fat people, I'm like...

"Wow!

How did you do that?

Like, that took effort.

That took plotting.

That didn't happen overnight.

Like, there must have been days when you woke up not hungry.

But you are like, I'll get through it.

I gotta get me that scooter.

Only losers walk around Disneyland."

It's a big old country, too. It's fucking massive.

So massive and I like the fact that it's so big that you've color-coordinated it.

You've just given people certain parts of the country.

We don't have that system in the UK.

In the UK, we just let our idiots roam free.

We have free range stupidity,

but you're very efficient.

You just gave them parts to live, just feel like: We hate the gays.

Okay, this is where you live.

Here you go.

Here you go. You stay over there.

We're not going to sell them cake.

Okay.

I still go to red states.

Just 'cause I don't necessarily agree with you politically

doesn't mean you're necessarily a bad person.

I like to go out, talk to them, right?

See if I can understand.

Couple years ago I went to Indiana. It's a beautiful state.

The people there are very kind.

Except for one of them.

One of my favorite jokes I have, me, personally, I've always been an atheist

and that's just because both my parents are educated and...

I...

I grew up in a very religious family.

I have an uncle that's a minister. He's 5'2".

We called him a mini-ster.

Religion was something that you were allowed to poke fun off when I grew up,

and then I came to America, and I'm like: "It'll be the same here."

I phoned an American agent and I'm like,

"I can tell the atheist joke in Indiana, right?

And she said, "Under no circumstance

tell that joke in Indiana," so I went to Indiana and I told the joke.

Right? Because wet paint.

That is wet paint.

That's why they put the sign there just to let you all know.

I'm used to having jokes I do not go down as well as I wanted them.

Well, what I was not used to was the reaction.

My first punchline of many in Indiana.

Got to the first punchline.

Forty out of a hundred people immediately left the room, right?

Yeah. And not in the British way of like,

"Ooh, this isn't for us, we should quietly and respectfully leave.

They left in the American way of like, "Fuck you!"

And gone.

And it's important to note that the 60 people that remained weren't all fans.

Okay?

Some of them were just very stubborn.

Like, they hated me, but not as much as they loved sitting down.

There was a real moral dilemma for them.

They're like, "This is awful. But I do love this.

This is, this is excellent."

No, I'm not an intelligent person by any stretch.

So I was like, "Maybe I'll win them over with the harsher punchlines."

Oh, God, I'll get them. No, not at all.

There's a man in the front row who was so upset by the joke,

his only way of letting me know how angry he was, was to lift up his shirt,

show me his gun

and say, "You're lucky I don't shoot you."

Now where I come from,

we don't call that luck.

We call that society.

I run my mouth off every day, never been shot in the head, right?

I've never seen a gun in my life, in my life at this point.

He's just there, pointing at his dick. I've always found that weird.

All fucking gay.

Is that why you're all circumcised?

Now what have I done?

I'm terrified. I've never seen a gun before.

And this is what I love about your country, right?

So I think there is one stereotype that is true for most of you

and it's the friendliness, right?

There is just that sense of friendliness and there's another American man,

he was realistically as upset by this joke as this man,

but he stood up for me and he did so in the most American way possible.

Proper, big American, big beard.

Looked like he ate pancakes and shat freedom.

He stood up and went, "Hey, you, hey, little boy."

A bit condescending. "Lil' boy. Hey! I might not agree with what you're saying.

Loved you in Home Alone. Thought that was spot-on.

I may not agree with what you're saying, but this is America.

This is the land of the free speech.

So you keep telling your joke and you just ignore him.

'Cause if he shoots you, I'll shoot him."

Not before?

Like, if you're taking requests...

Before really works for me.

Now I will tell you the joke. Obviously, I have not learned any lessons.

It was a very simple premise for a joke, as are all my jokes.

It was basically, you know, as a parent...

I'm not a parent, but I do like speaking on behalf of people.

Because I'm white, middle class and male.

And that's what my people do.

I imagine Christmas morning as a parent

is very difficult, especially if you've young children.

It's Christmas morning, seven a.m.

They bashed out of the rooms, they run downstairs, they're so happy.

They're so filled with joy. It's Christmas day.

It's the most magical day of the year.

To them, magic literally happened overnight.

They wished for shit, shit's there.

What the fuck?

That's insane! I'm seven years old, but I'm pretty sure that tree shits presents.

But you as a parent, you know, the time, the money, the organization, the stress

that's gone in to make this moment so special, but when you see that smile

on their stupid fucking face.

Makes it all worth it.

Then they look up at you with those big blue eyes that you hope resemble yours.

And who do they thank?

Santa. "Thank you, Santa, for these presents.

Mommy and Daddy, isn't Santa amazing?"

As a parent, you're not willing to shatter your child's imagination.

You must have to stand there and be like...

"Yeah!

He worked really hard this year, didn't he, the fat fuck."

You know that disappointment that parents feel in that moment.

That is exactly how doctors feel whenever you thank God.

"Mr. Darcy, we are delighted to announce that your cancer has gone into remission."

"Oh, my God, this is wonderful news."

"I know it's been a long, hard journey, but we got through in the end.

We all couldn't couldn't be happier for you."

"Oh, thank the Lord."

What? No, sorry, it's just funny.

I just couldn't see his name anywhere on this fucking chart. Um...

I can see my name right at the top there.

Dr. Michael, sat with you through two and a half weeks of chemotherapy.

You're welcome, by the way.

Dr. Connors, her name's there,

she spent six hours cutting a tumor out, you fucking lump.

I've got the names of all the nurses and radiologists here, all their names.

Can't seem to find the Lord's name anywhere on it.

I'll tell you what. Maybe in my haste

to give you the good news, maybe I skimmed past it.

I'll have another look.

Oh, so weird! No God!

Yes, but the Lord sent you.

I don't think he did.

He certainly didn't chip in for that medical degree.

In fact, if I remember correctly you came to me, I diagnosed you and then I...

specified the treatment, in fact... if I cast my memory even further back,

he's the one that gave you cancer.

Why? Maybe because you're an ungrateful cunt.

Forty people gone. Now.

I was not proud of that.

Sorry, allow me to clarify. I was not proud of the reaction.

I'm obviously proud of the joke. It's fucking excellent.

I'm very talented.

Not proud of the reaction, my job is not to offend people.

It's not something I tried to do and it's not something I take any pleasure in

when it happens, but it will happen.

I'm a very opinionated person.

Every opinion I have is not going to resonate

with 100% of people that attend 100% of my audiences.

Which is why I make sure that I craft and tell my jokes in such way

that if you are offended by them, it's because you are wrong.

But nonetheless, just because we believe different things happen to us after we die

doesn't mean we can't be kind to each other while we live.

One of the first things my uncle ever taught me.

So, after the show, I went out to see the people that left.

Not to apologize.

I had nothing to apologize for.

I told a joke in a comedy club in the Land of the Free Speech.