black-ish

Children bring so much joy...

except when you have to watch their school plays.

My name is Diane.

And I'm Jack.

We're in Ms. Davis' third-grade class.

Years from now, when I look back on this footage,

I look forward to hearing you eat mints.

They're butterscotch.

- Mm, okay. - Halfrican.

Uh... Okay, Ruby.

Well, can I have one, please?

Mnh-mnh. It's my last piece.

- Can I have one, Grandma? - She don't have any more.

- Well, yes, baby. - What?

I've always got a butterscotch for family.

In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Okay.

I'm Christopher Columbus, and I discovered America.

Okay...

Fake history, right?

No, I just don't think these children are that talented.

Is everything okay, Mr. Johnson?

Do you feel that there's not enough representation?

Because after the last incident,

I had children bussed in.

Honestly, if I wanted my children

around this many minorities,

I would have taken them to a Tyler Perry play

and shamelessly enjoyed it.

- Dre. - Hmm?

Dre. Can you ask your mom for a butterscotch for me, please?

- Mama... - Unh-unh.

- She said no. - What...?

You know, I can drive now,

so we can just leave and never come back here.

And miss the moment when Mom decides to divorce Dad

and we sneak out under the cover of night

to start a new life, opening an artisanal coffee shop

in a transitioning but scrappy neighborhood in Portland?

Ms. Davis, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Where you really failed

is this isn't how it went down.

Die, Indians!

But this isn't India!

Speak English!

But at least you can get a great deal on a mattress.

We will take your opinions into consideration.

Hmm. Well, instead of making us celebrate your holidays,

why don't you celebrate some of ours?

Hmm. Everybody is represented here. St. Patrick's Day.

- Columbus Day. - Mm-hmm.

- Cinco de Mayo. - Yeah.

- What about 2Pac's birthday? - Oh, well...

What about Magic Johnson's Still Alive Day?

- Really? - Earl.

What about Juneteenth?

Maybe you should have led with that last one.

- Maybe. - Okay.

I offer this to you in peace.

Mm, mm, mm.

I can't believe you would honor a slave trader like Columbus

when you do not honor Juneteenth...

a proud black holiday tradition that my family treasures!

What? We don't celebrate Juneteenth...

Shut up, Junior! You love it.

It's very important in our household.

Johnsons, we about to be out.

Excuse me!

Here we go again.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your racist pageant.

Johnsons!

- We out! - No, no, no, no!

That... That's not true!

30% of the cast are colored children!

- Okay. - Children of color.

That was not great.

Hi.

So, we just want to thank you for the minorities.

We can tell you're trying,

- and it means a lot to us. - Thank you.

- Okay. See you, now. - But...

Listen, I have a great eyebrow person.

Huh? What does that mean?

What?!

I look fine!

I realized that for Juneteenth to live,

Columbus Day had to die, so it was up to me.

Well, me and Grammy-nominated Aloe Blacc.

Okay, you know the drill, man.

You get lunch when you make me a hit.

All right, let's take it again from the top.

Come on.

Mm!

That does not sound like an ad for Samsung.

Nope, I'm using Aloe Blacc

to put an end to Columbus Day.

You're why black people can't get jobs.

Well, that's one of many reasons.

I'm serious.

Columbus Day is a BS holiday.

Okay, so I guess you'll be at work on Monday. Oh.

You sound stupid.

Okay? Did you know

that Columbus never even set foot in North America?

- What? Prove it. - Yes, he did.

- Come on, now. - Fake news.

The only reason we celebrate dude

is 'cause everyone remembers that hook, "In 1492..."

"Columbus sailed the ocean blue."

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Mm-hmm.

First I'm hearing about this Columbo fellow.

What?

I spent my time in school

learning a trade way more valuable than any book.

I learned how to forge résumés,

college diplomas, time sheets.

I've said too much.

The point is we celebrate a horrible man

when we don't even acknowledge

important moments in our own history,

like Juneteenth.

Oh! What is June...

- Oh, my God! - No, no, no, no, no.

No! No, no, no, no.

- ...teenth? - Damn it! There goes lunch!

All right, June 19, 1865, or "Juneteenth,"

is the day in America where all slaves were finally free.

You did this. You.

And on that fateful day in history...

Actually...

maybe Juneteenth is better explained through song.

Oh.

Oh. Okay.

You know, I usually give the history lessons around here,

but go ahead, Aloe Blacc.

You know, I'll just sit here.

If the Emancipation Proclamation was passed in 1863,

why weren't you free until 1865?

Well, it took two years for the Civil War to end.

Oh, so you were free when the war ended?

Nah, not for two more months

because Texas landowners wanted another harvest.

That's not cool.

Well, none of it was cool.

But an army ship arrived on June 19, 1865,

and announced we were free.

That's why we celebrate Juneteenth.

That was not uncomfortable at all.

Nope.

Is that stuff true, Papa?

Just like anything black people do,

if Juneteenth had a chance of succeeding,

we would have to brand and market it twice as hard.

What do you think of this Juneteenth mock-up?

Hold on.

Did you take my egg rolls?

These aren't for the table?

They were not.

Really, Dre?

I figured this was one of those things

that you would just get tired of,

like kente cloth.

This isn't a trend, all right?

Juneteenth is a 150-year-old tradition

that no one's heard about,

not even my black kids.

I mean, there's... there's storytelling.

There's red-velvet cake, hibiscus tea.

Actually, hibiscus tea is a modern-day substitute

for strawberry soda.

- Oh, really? - That's interesting.

- Really?! - Never had it.

- I didn't know that. - Thank you, Aloe Blacc,

for correcting me in front of company. Okay?

Hey, Dre, I don't get it.

I mean, don't you already have MLK day?

And Black History Month?

And Reparations Day.

That's when in times of civil unrest,

we start urban bonfires