Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

Five, four, three, two, one! And act!

Eating bananas makes sperm taste just like bananas.

Gaz must be eating a lot of rotten mackerel.

Donna! Donna, it's booked.

The registry office is booked. You're finally gonna be mine.

For better, for worse.

Mostly worse, I grant you.

Gaz, if I can't find a job, there's not gonna be a wedding.

- Oh, look. The Archer's reopening. - I know. I can finally drink again.

When did you stop?

Last night. Well, this morning.

Then.

They got a relief manager in instead of Janet.

I could do that.

- They're looking for barmaids. - Well, I could do that.

"A pint for you, sir. I'm sorry, we don't do scratchings.

"If you don't like it, you can take your business elsewhere.

"No, I'm not joking. Get out.

"I don't care if you are Billy Joel! Why don't you just get out of my pub?"

I'm gonna go for it. Just till something better comes along.

Yes, and we really need the money.

How exciting! We're actually getting married!

Yeah.

"Yeah"?

This is the happiest day of our lives. All I get is a "yeah."

Well, I'm just not an excitable person.

I can't stand what you people would call fun.

Have a banana.

Yeah, Jonny, I love you. You want to speak to Corinthian?

Actually, he's a bit tied up at the minute.

No, not literally!

Gaz, untie Corinthian.

Listen, Jonny, just have a good time. You deserve this.

It's not everybody would have the guts to enter a competition

in which you win the chance to fly to Hawaii

to jump over a shark on a pair of water-skis, is it?

You are so brave. OK. Kiss, kiss.

Kiss, kiss. Kiss, kiss.

Kiss, kiss. No, you hang up.

Oh, look, Jonny, you're cutting up. There must be a...

..cow on the line. I love you. Bye.

It's so exciting. What's he doing? Is he having fun?

I love fun, FUN!

Oi, where's my jumping up and down

and high-pitched "Gaz, isn't this exciting, fun" voice?

He has just landed. He bought a novel. Imagine.

How the other half live, eh?

I am so excited for him.

Yes, I think we get it.

Jonny loves his competitions.

So far he's won a go on a tractor, a goldfish.

May Bubbles rest in peace but by God was he tasty!

And now this! Hawaii!

Ha-wa-ii, man!

But I understand the Hawaii bit. Everyone loves Italy.

Why would anyone want to water-ski over a shark?

Hey!

Gaz, you're just jealous.

I am not. I don't get jealous.

Peter Andre.

How could one person have that much talent? It's unfair.

He's already got one of those flowery shirts.

What like Americans wear when they're very proud of being obnoxious wankers?

No, no, he said it's more frilly than that

and more transparent with embroidery.

He's bought a blouse, hasn't he?

Yeah.

And a flick and floop and a do, do, do.

OK, Archer, shine for Timothy.

Hello.

- What are you? - No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no. What is that?

- What? Oh, this? It's my beauty. - No.

The noise from your face.

It hurts here, here and here.

Flourish and kick.

Is this the refurb? It looks exactly the same.

How dare you! This pub is now a themed pub.

And the theme is John.

John Barrowman.

So, um, are you the relief manager, then?

Are you? Speak up, boy!

Oh, Mother, make the noises stop!

Weird, aren't you? I've come for the barmaid's job, you oaf.

Temporarily till I'm discovered.

By what? Another bat?

- Are you talking about my voice? - Well, duh!

Oh, I get it! You fancy me!

We can work through it as long as we remain professional.

Pardon?

Maybe I'll let you grope me at Christmas.

But only if you give me Tuesdays off. That's when I get my bum sucked out.

Oh! Oh! Colonic irrigation.

If you like. So how about it?

No, thanks. I don't want to get sweet corn in my teeth. Atkins.

No! A job! I want a job as a barmaid!

Oh, I'm sorry, love. I just don't think I could stand how you speak.

What's up with how I speak? (Screams)

- Thank you. - And it's a great white shark.

Isn't that great? And white and shark!

- Like in Jaws. - And like in Jaws 2. Let's watch it.

- God, I'm really excited! - You've said!

What is up with you?

All this fuss and excitement over Jonny when I'm the one getting married.

What's he contributing to the world?

I'll have you know Jonny has the largest collection of scabs

this side of Kate Moss's underwear.

So what? I can do better than that.

Yeah, he is fairly scabby, Janet. I'd watch out.

No! I'm gonna do something so exciting, you'll shit in your own eyes with glee.

I can't imagine anything being so very, very gleeful

that I would open my bowels into my own retina.

I'm gonna do something so big, so enormous

that Jonny's shark jump will be unsignificant.

It's insignificant.

It's working already, see?

I wanna do something special for Jonny to celebrate jumping the shark.

I've heard that there's this restaurant, really classy.

I wanna take him there.

It's called Nando's.

But I need money for that type of place.

I heard they have a chicken, yeah, on a stick.

Oh, yeah. I heard they have coleslaw in an earthenware pot.

But I need a job so...

- Have you seen the barmaid job? - Oh, yeah. I'm going for it.

Watch this.

Yeah, what?

That's all I've got. What do you want? Fireworks?

I was going to go for it as well. You don't mind, do you?

Donna, it's a pub.

There's bound to be more than one barmaiding job, you big silly!

Runcorn is the alcoholism capital of the north.

Yeah, you're right.

Though I do wish they wouldn't put it on the town logo.

Yeah.

Oh, I was getting worried then. It'll be fun us working together.

Yeah, course it would.

Gotta change my ringtone.

Hello. Oh, Jonny!

Guess what? I am taking you to Nando's.

Yes, there is! In an earthenware pot!

And another thing, I may have a slight rhotacism.

I may not be able to say the letter R

but otherwise I have beautiful speech patterns.

My voice is halfway between Judy Garland and Mariella Frostrup.

Halfway between a corpse and a chain smoker, a winner every time!

Oh, just go, will you?

Hmm! I'll show you, Timothy Claypole!

All right, Louise. What do you think of this?

Gaz, where did you get that snake?

The snake shop on Church Street.

Next to the lizard emporium. Opposite Iguanas-R-Us.

Oh, how dull! I'll be at Janet's if you need me.

I will not. You all right, eh?

Woo!

I love what you've done with the place.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, so you've heard.

Oh, isn't it exciting?

Jonny Keogh is my utter, utter, utter, utter hero.

Jonny Keogh is an utter, utter, utter, utter twat.

Jumping sharks is all very well but you watch this.

What do you think about that?

Erm... Well done.

Though most members of Runcorn's Reptile Society don't tend to do that.

- The what? - Meeting's in the pool room, Sebastian.

I jumped mine so I'm more exciting.

I'm still more exciting.

Listen, if you know Jonny Keogh, can you get him to sign this for me?

Damn you, Jonny Keogh.

Damn you to a snakey hell. I thought I'd nailed it.

What could possibly be more exciting than a snake?

I'll tell you what's more exciting.

Marc Wootton exposed on BBC Three in 20 minutes.

Here's a thought.

May it be a first of many.

I have done summat dead exciting.

Four words - naked, balloon dance.

Well, what's the fourth?

It's a bridge in Scotland.

Ciao! What's up with you?

I just put BBC Three on and... Oh, it doesn't matter.

Don't worry, it never works for me at this time of night either.

Any-pennies, I need...

Louise, I'm on my way out. Can this wait?

No, it can't wait. What do you take me for?

Some kind of man that the man on the Guinness advert is talking about who waits?

That's what he does. You know that man who waits?

And then there's a horse.

Fine. Just make it quick.

I need to improve my speech.

Oh, Louise! Thank God! We've been trying to tell you for years!

I need to enunciate more clearly.

I need to get my tongue, lips and mouth around some diction.

Is that what the kids are calling it?

So what I'm doing is tongue twisters.

Ooh, yes. I can do that. Watch.

No!

Around the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.

Wound the wagged what the wagged what?