Time Bandits

I'm telling you, she's smart. We could use her.

She senses stuff.

I do have senses. That is true.

We can't trust her. She's been working with the boss.

We all work for him, but that's a good point.

- Why should we trust her? - She's cool. She's seen the light.

I've had a few things explained to me.

The Supreme Being wants the map for reasons I don't agree with.

I can see the point in maybe rebelling, but who exactly are you?

We're only the most feared group of bandits

in the whole of time-space continuum.

I thought you were the cherub spice maker.

That too. It's a living.

You got a problem with that?

No, people like cherub spice.

They say it's tangy.

Yeah, it is.

So, you in?

Yeah, I'm in.

Good, then listen up.

- Bobby? - Here's the plan: We steal it.

Steal what?

We steal the map.

Yes. The only small problem there is it's already been stolen.

By those shrubbery designers? Did you ever meet them?

- I've been on their trail. - They are dumb, dumb, dumb.

I think that's the real reason the boss wants it back.

He's embarrassed such idiots could outsmart him.

They have no idea how powerful it is.

- But you do? - You bet we do.

And when we get the map back, things are gonna change.

But how do we get it if the other bandits already have it?

I'll show you.

Troy.

- Is it on fire a bit? - Oh, I've been here before.

- It was hectic. - Why did you bring us back here, Kevin?

I have a friend.

You do not.

I do. Cassandra. She can tell the future.

- She cannot. - No, she can't.

Everything she said to me came true.

Maybe she can tell us where the missing piece of the map is.

You really think she can help us find it?

Yes.

- Yes. - Okay, let's go.

Are you sure we should be going in there? It looks on fire to me.

This city is so much more violent during the day.

It's being sacked by the Greeks.

Ah, so you've brought us into the middle of a war.

That is so typical of you.

Careful with those spears. You could kill someone.

All right, how do we find this Cassandra in this mess?

Ask someone.

- Excuse me? - Careful, Kevin.

Oh, it's you. We saw you last night.

We've come to visit a friend. Cassandra.

They threw her in jail.

- Okay. - Okay. Okay, okay.

We give up.

- We win! - You lose, Trojans!

Okay, we help you out. No problem.

Uh, Thoas, Diomedes, take these people to jail.

Take the other people to jail, but just for a visit.

Yes, sir.

Which ones did he say are just to visit?

I don't know. I was watching the battle.

Uh, you... Hmm, you...

Move!

- Yes, going in. - Ow.

Nice to visit you. Stay in touch.

- Great. - Nice one, Kevin.

Yeah, nice. Good job, Kevin.

She must be here somewhere.

You know, Kevin, we really do want to help you,

- but, boy, you make it hard. - Yeah.

Do look a gift horse in the mouth.

That's what I kept saying, but nobody listened.

Now look at us.

It's her! Cassandra! Cassandra!

Kevin! It's so good to see you again.

I don't think she means it.

- Mm-mmm. - No.

There's a curse on her. Whatever she says, we won't believe.

That's like Dad with me.

Kind of, except you're usually lying.

- Oh, whatever. - Kevin, have you saved the universe yet?

Not yet. I'm gonna do it right after I save my parents.

You don't think you wanna save the universe and then save your parents?

We need the missing piece of the map to find the Time of Legends.

Do you know where we can find it?

Hmm.

I think she does know.

Yeah, I feel really good about this.

Yeah, she's gonna help us.

What a prophet she is.

Ah.

Where was the last place you saw it?

- That's not good soothsaying. - Come on.

That's not a prophecy. That's what Mum used to say.

That is good advice though.

Where was the last place you saw it?

The last place we saw it was when...

- Yes. - When what?

When Susan died.

We're the Time Bandits. Susan was the prime bandit.

She was the best of us.

Susan. She was crushed by the giant boulder, wasn't she?

- - Thank you, Kevin. Very sensitive.

- Was that necessary, Kevin? - That's not nice, Kevin.

If the last place you saw the missing piece of the map was where Susan died,

that's where we have to go.

- That could be right. - Could be.

- Yeah, that could be. - He is right.

And now I don't think it is.

Yeah, not at all.

Maybe we can save Susan too.

- We've tried. Many times. - We tried so many times.

Many, many times.

I lost count after four times.

You won't save your friend.

I think this is the time.

- We will save our friend. - We're gonna do it.

- That's what that means. So... - We're gonna save our friend.

Now we just have to figure out how to get out of here.

Mmm.

Quick question, will I ever be reunited with my Gavin?

Oh, um, I'm watching out for people who want to kill me right now.

Mm-hmm. Yes or no?

If you go on this quest, you will be reunited with him.

- So I'm never gonna see him again. - Remember the curse.

It's just so hard to believe her.

Gavin is living on the head of a man.

See, now that's ridiculous, curse or no curse.

Will we show the Supreme Being that we're more than just shrubbery designers?

Yes.

Will I ever get over my breakup?

- No. - Oh, good.

Will I be lonely?

- Yes. - Ah.

Will Kevin ever stop being a nerd?

- No. - Do we defeat Pure Evil?

No. Absolutely not.

Great. Guaranteed victory.

But that's not good.

Don't forget to save the universe. I know you can do it. I have faith in you!

- - Okay, let's get to a portal

and find that missing piece of the map. Come on.

- And scurry. - Scurry.

Go, go, go, go, go, go! Use the children as shields!

"Living on the head of a man."

The portal's gotta be around here somewhere.

- - Oh! Is that the portal?

Not according to the map.

What the flip is that?

Is it Neptune?

It's Poseidon. Greek version.

Kneel before Poseidon!

I wish all history was this cool.

This isn't history, Saff. This is mythology.

Right. Too exciting to be history.

Return the map.

- It's the Supreme Being! -

Please, we just want to save my parents from Pure Evil.

Will you help us?

Return that which belongs to me!

Kevin, you can't reason with him. He has a god complex. Run!

- Whoa. - "Whoa" is right.

Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, Kevster.

It is Kevster, isn't it?

Well... ...yeah.

Mmm, I thought so.

Do you know who I am?

The Supreme Being?

Yes, the Supreme Being.

Is this heaven?

No, this isn't heaven, Kevin.

This is just a big, vast,

indeterminate white space that I've created out of nothing.

What was the nothing before that?

Absolute black darkness.

Before that, everything was pink.

I could make it... ...anything you want though.

Like a museum?

Even a museum.

A couple of artifacts here and there, a gift shop over there selling postcards,

and the café with all the gross food in it.

I can make it anything you want, anything at all, but not right now.

But can't you just go like...

It can't just happen like that.

It just takes time.

Also, there's all this HR bullshit you gotta deal with these days.

- Oh. - Yeah, it's a real hassle.

Now, Kevin, I didn't bring you here just to chat about building museums.

No. No, there's something else on my mind, and there's something else I need.

Can you guess what it is? Don't guess. I'll tell you.

- You want the map. - I want... Oh, you know?

Oh, you... How did you know?

When you were in your big, giant head, you went...

Yeah. Oh, so you do know. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, so I do want my map back. And how am I going to get it?