Video Vixens!

And he stated again this afternoon that he fully

intends to run for reelection.

That wraps up the national news.

I'm Jim Walters.

KLITT's Gordon Gordon went to the movies last night,

and here he is to tell you all about it.

Gordon?

Thank you, Jim.

I'm a movie critic.

I get paid to go to the movies.

People envy me.

They think my job is some sort of a picnic.

Well, it's not a picnic, not one bit.

Last night I more than earned every bit of the money

that KLITT pays me.

I was witness to a movie so lewd, so filthy,

noxious, and obscene that--

Yeah?

Tell him to go screw it.

Tell him I said so.

GORDON (ON TV): To performs ordid, sexual acts

with people, and it's just a downright abomination

and a crime against nature.

None of you will have to see that sick, sordid--

Memo.

To chairman of the board regarding Saturday night

ratings 8:00 to 10:00 PM last.

I am proceeding to drop programs as previously discussed.

GORDON (ON TV): Smut, smut, smut.

We'll phase out shows in four weeks and buying

films for prime time viewing.

Films so depraved, so degrading,

so vile and perverted--

Have additional and regular sponsors now willing to make.

GORDON (ON TV): But they're not only nonsensitive,

but indicative of a social malaise

of frightening proportion.

Yeah.

That's correct.

GORDON (ON TV): I call upon the district attorney

to enforce the obscenity laws that are--

Look.

I mean to set the record straight.

Your contract's not being renewed.

Your show's a loser.

It stinks.

You haven't turned in a decent production over four years.

We both know that.

Yeah.

Well, just keep me informed as to your procedures

in phasing out.

Just do it in style.

Right.

Have additional and regular sponsors now willing

to make swing over to feature films that I personally select.

Very truly yours, Clifford Bradley, president, et cetera.

Angel, get this out right away.

Hey, Caroline.

Get this fire, will you?

Easy on the fever beaver, you toilet pole.

Oh, take it easy, Miss Thing.

Its seen worse days, I'm sure.

Hey, sweetheart.

Will you put a little rouge on her nips

so we can shoot this thing?

What?

It's for you, honey.

Yeah?

Who is it?

Uh, Mr Bradley, Or, like, Cliff?

Give me the phone.

Yeah?

Mr Boorski on 4-2.

Shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is Boorski.

Who?

Now, come on.

Speak up, buddy.

I can't hear you.

Go on?

Well, listen.

I'm real glad to hear you like a little nookie

now and then, buddy.

But I don't see what the hell that's got to do with you

tying up my time on the phone.

Now, look.

I'm a busy man, so you just cut out the bullshit

and tell me what you wanna say.

Yeah, that-- that sounds terrific.

Yeah.

It-- hey, will you get that light off her cunt

before it goes up in flames?

Now, listen, shithook, you're interrupting

my train of thought.

Now, I'm a no shit, serious son of a bitch,

and I'm right in the middle of lighting me a--

Do you know who this is you're talking to?

You're who?

You're kidding me.

Shit.

You ain't kidding me.

I mean, you aren't, sir.

Get your fucking knee back up there.

Oh no, sir. No, sir.

I sure didn't mean you.

No.

Yes, sir.

Captain, you got my undivided attention.

What?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

I'll be there.

Oh.Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, of course.

We'll both be there.

Fine.

See you tomorrow.

Bye.

Won't that frost your behind.

Well, ladies and gentleman, tonight I

have another sick film to report on,

and I shall not flinch from my duty.

I speak of the film "Two Balls," which opened today at the Pearl

Theater in Hollywood.

I cannot recall one shot of the entire film that

did not contain a male or female genital exposed for all to see.

That miserable, machinating eunuch.

How does a man become like that?

How does a real man with any kind of pride

sell his whole country down the river like that?

The whole US of A is losing its--

if you'll pardon the expression, my dear-- balls.

And this little half man rotter, this traitorous, disease

spreading, cold ass cancer.

He's part of it, the conspiracy, of course.

They think they're being pretty smart having one of their boys

working on my station.

They're out to get me.

I know they're out to get me.

And they know that I know they're out to get me.

They think I'm keeping him on so as not to let on that I know

anything about the conspiracy.

I mean, they think that they know that's why

I'm keeping him on salary.

Gee, politics sure makes strange bed partners.

Of course you're right, Inga.

I don't mind your assistant's comments, Boorski.

It's refreshing to find a young girl so

free of the taint ofa sexuality that's assaulting

our country on all fronts.

You see, she is a girl, Boorski.

We don't have to wonder what sex she belongs to.

She's a fine, sexy, All-American girl.

And it's really nice to have her here.

Right you are, Captain.

I have a plan, the ultimate plan to save the nation,

the game plan to put the polish back in the family jewels.

You're gonna be a hero, a national hero.

And you're gonna be the first lady.

You, Rex Boorski, king of the stags, prince of porn.

Give credit where it's due, I always say.

The genius of the genre.

Think on it, man.

Live, Saturday night, prime time--

we'll give 'em stag films!

Do you know how high the ratings go when

the Academy Awards are on TV?

Astronomically high!

And it's nothing but a bunch of crap consisting

of 90 minutes of boredom of thankless idiots

thanking each other.

We'll give 'em an award show that'll stagger the nation.

Wake up, America.

Here we come.

We'll show 'em scenes from the films.

This show's gotta have class.

I need someone to MC the show, someone to give

it credibility, respectability.

And I'll need special sponsors.

Let's see.

Who am I gonna get?

Hey, Dad.

I forgot to tell you the troop is putting that new librarian

on the smut list.

You mean the college girl?

The one with the--

She's got a fat chest.

You know, she wears really short skirts?

Wiggles a lot.

Gordon Junior!

Sorry, Dad.

Sorry if I offended you, Mom.

It's all, Gordon Junior.

What's the troop going to do with the new librarian

now that's she's on your smut list and everything?

Well, it's real simple.

The troops comes down to the library, about 450 of us,

and we run her out of town on her fat, wiggly ass!

Good gracious.