Family Guy

Welcome to tumbling class.

Moms, please enjoy,

while dads grumble about how much the class costs.

240 bucks for a mat and a room.

Now let's all gather 'round

because Stewie is gonna do a somersault.

Nailed it.

Well, that's basically fine, and I don't honestly care,

so unless there's an unexpected appearance from a rival baby...

Perhaps I could take a shot.

It's Doug!

That's Stewie's rival.

What are you doing here, Doug?

Eh, thought I'd give this tumbling thing a try.

So what do I do, just fall down

like literally anyone affected by gravity?

Um, there's a bit more to it than that.

One can't just show up and hope to execute,

say, a perfect somers...

Oh, oh, he's very good!

Hmm. Something like that?

-Wow! -Now that's tumbling!

Boys can be good at this till nine, then the whispers start.

Calm down, it wasn't that great.

Stewie, give Doug your shirt and overalls.

He's my son now.

We now return to Christopher Nolan's Tenet.

I'm already completely lost.

Dad, can I ask you something about girls?

Are you wearing a wire?

There's a girl in my class I have a crush on,

and I can't get her to notice me.

Ah, now I understand.

Lucky for you, there's a bunch of old movies

on this very subject.

Here. Sixteen Candles.

Can't Buy Me Love, Say Anything...

all on very inconvenient VHS.

VHS? What do those letters stand for?

That information has been lost to history.

Anyway, Chris, just watch these movies

and do what the 28-year-old teenagers do.

I guess I could try.

After all, they tried to do Superman in Boston once.

I've noticed that you're never around when Superman's here.

Are... are you Superman?

What is ya, wacked in the head?

I'm Clahk. Plain ol' Clahk.

Okay, back to our Boston newspaper job.

Spotlight.

What?!

Show-and-tell time.

Finally a chance to reclaim my honor

after that whole tumbling fiasco.

Next up for show-and-tell: Stewie.

Hello, everyone.

This is a weird seashell

that kind of looks like female genitalia

that my dad likes.

Lois, where's my she shell?

Oh, Stewie took it to show-and-tell.

Well, I hope no one puts it to their ear.

Incredible, right?

Thank you, Stewie.

And, so you know, many middle-aged women have seashells

in their powder rooms.

Okay, next up is Doug.

Hello, gang,

and have I got some show-and-tell for you.

This is a ticket stub from a PG movie

that I got to see in the theater...

alone.

Wow!

Also, I've been on a Disney cruise.

Hey, who's this in the picture with Moana?

Oh, me? Huh.

No way! Moana is famously agoraphobic.

Yes, but she's managing it day by day,

thanks to CBD oil.

This cruise was a big step for her.

Okay, I think we can all agree that

these are very lame show-and-tell...

And finally, a piece of candy from the London airport.

Aw, a Lion Bar?

I'm sorry, did I say "a piece of candy"?

More like British candy for the whole class!

Drumstick Squashies and rose-flavored wine gums

for everyone!

Hello, Show-and-Tell National Championships

in DeKalb, Illinois, I have a nominee for you.

Dammit. I'm sick of being one-upped by Doug.

Hurts.

It hurts worse than a trip to the barber shop.

This is what babies think happens at haircuts!

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Burbeck.

Do you have a daughter named Jennifer,

who is currently smeared across Highway 9?

Joe, it's us.

Oh, sorry. That's my next stop.

Peter, your son was lurking outside a classmate's window

with this boom box, playing Peter Gabriel.

He's being charged with felony stalking.

I also tried to use science to make a sex slave

from a magazine photo.

Oh, this is horrifying!

-Actually, it's the '80s. -What?

Well, it appears that someone has exposed your son

to the very problematic teen films of the 1980s.

Peter, tell me it wasn't you.

Honestly, Lois, I have no idea.

My brain can't even think thoughts no more

-'cause of the Internet. -Ugh, that's it.

From now on, you are an outside Peter.

Go on! Get!

Outside!

Go to your Peter house. Go to your Peter house!

God, look at Doug over there,

throwing a Frisbee with the kindergarteners

and a shorter-than-average first-grader.

-Thinks he's so cool. -Yup.

There must be some way I can finally one-up that guy,

and you're clearly looking for cat turds right now.

Yup. Y-- Huh? Wait, uh, wait.

-Aw, gum. -Help me out, man.

I need something to win back everyone's attention.

Wait, I know!

What if I flip my eyelids inside out?

Show everyone what a freak I am.

Huh? I could carve this out.

Right? This could be my thing.

I don't think so, Stewie.

All right, well what if I just, like, do Doug's mom?

Uh... Y-- I-I mean, yeah, yeah, that--

I mean, that would... that would pretty much do it.

Awesome! How do you dial a phone or have sex?

Or stand up without using your hands?

Let me tell you something, Brian...

Oh, no!

You said it, relatively-short-first-grader.

That Frisbee is way up there.

I'm too scared to climb up that high.

Me, too, average-height-kindergartener.

That jungle gym dates back to the 1930s,

when the lives of children were expendable.

Someone would have to be crazy to climb up there.

I'll do it.

What?

I'll climb up there and get that Frisbee.

Doug may be afraid, but I'm not.

Just give me a day to get prepared and gear up,

and at sunrise tomorrow, I will climb up there

and retrieve that Frisbee.

Or we can ask Spider-Man to do it.

He came to my birthday party. I know him.

That wasn't the real Spider-Man. That was your dad.

We could see his hernia popping through the suit.

Hey, Tyler!

Heard Spider-Man had a pretty good time at your party.

Don't mind me, Brian. Just pushing the edge.

Hmm.

14 zippers, if you must know,

but it's not about my pants, Brian.

It's about my fearlessness and pants.

Now, I need to plan out

every last inch of my climb tomorrow.

If I do this right, I'm gonna be remembered forever,

like 9/11 was for a few years.

You're just climbing a jungle gym.

-It's not a big deal. -Not a big deal?

I pull this off, I go down in history!

Like my ancestor: The Guy Who Was Hanged Next to Nathan Hale.

I regret that I have but one life to give for my country.

If you kill me, I'm gonna immediately void.

All over here. All over here.

You, historian, write down both our things.

Hey, Lois, how about we get a little three-way going?

-You, me and the seashell? -Oh, forget it, Peter.

After that whole thing with the '80s movies,

I'm very upset with you.

Well, can you use that anger in the sex?

No, Peter, your '80s nostalgia isn't funny anymore.

It's tired and worn out, and borderline dangerous.

I mean, those old references just don't play

-the same in today's world. -What you talkin' 'bout, Lois?

This! This is exactly what I'm talking about!

When are you gonna let the '80s go?

Never! The '80s will always be the best decade.

And I'm confident

that non-whites and women would agree with that.

Everyone else, too. And I'm gonna prove it.

Family! Come here conveniently fast, please!

What is it, Peter?

I have decided to prove to you all

that the '80s are still relevant and hilarious.

-But they're not. -And in keeping with the wonderful 1980s,

I'm gonna go upstairs and drill a hole in the wall

to watch girls shower.

Peter, in addition to that being wildly problematic,

you can't just drill a hole in a structural wall.

Do you even know how to do that?