Gaslit

Let me be clear.

To truly grasp man's struggle for power...

we must begin in the prehistoric sea...

that dark and merciless void.

It was eons before the strongest among us

slithered out of the muck to discover

that the lessons of darkness would continue on land.

Futility. Toil.

The mass of men spend their days plowing stones.

But true immortality rests in a pure and mighty will...

for history isn't written by the feeble masses,

the pissants...

commies, the queers, and the women.

It is written and rewritten

by soldiers carrying the banner of kings.

That is what it means to be strong.

That is what it means to be American.

That is what it means...

...to be Nixon.

You know her as one of the most outspoken

conservatives in Washington.

You've seen her on Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In

and The Dinah Shore Show.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the wife of the Attorney General

of the United States,

the infamous Mouth of the South,

Martha Mitchell.

Well, welcome, Mrs. Mitchell.

I hope you are ready to tell the whole truth

and nothing but the truth.

Well, if you're gonna put me on the stand,

I better have my lawyer present.

Now, Martha,

I have heard the rumor that your husband was made

the director of the Committee to Re-elect the President.

Yes. And I am the secret weapon.

I bet you are.

Fuck, she is cheesy.

Martha Mitchell all dressed up like a holiday ham.

Nice smile, though.

I can dig on that smile.

And a orangutan.

She's an idiot and a lush.

Why are you leaving all of a sudden?

Stay. We can watch some Password.

- Oh, yeah? - Do the thing...

- again. - That sounds nice.

But my boss doesn't exactly understand

the, uh, finer points of the long lunch.

Oh, yeah? Who's your boss?

Mm.

That is on a need-to-know basis.

Well, thank you. It's fascinating.

Oh, hold up.

You work for Nixon?

Oh, you're big-time. You know, I knew it.

The second I saw this place, I thought to myself, "Wow.

This guy right here, he's big-time-plus."

Well, you're the expert.

- Who's your superior? - What?

Who do you report to at the White House?

Haldeman? Ehrlichman? Hess?

Colson? Atwater? Buchanan? Chapin? Fleming?

You know a lot of people.

Honey, it's my job to network...

among other jobs.

At least you're at the Oval.

You could be stuck with those headless turkeys over at CREEP.

CREEP's the Committee to Re-elect--

The President. I know what CREEP stands for.

I actually spend quite a lot of time over there.

- Yeah. - Ah.

I used to work for the guy who was gonna be

Nixon's new campaign chair.

John-boy? Oh, my God!

You tell him Francesca says hi.

You know John Mitchell too?

Sure I do. He's a dear friend.

Hope he's keeping up with all that spring cleaning

- over there. - Wait.

Spring clean--You--

You think h-h-he-- Is he pushing people out?

I didn't say that.

I didn't not say it either.

You are wanted.

You are essential. You cannot be fired.

A $52 phone call?

Who the fuck is Martha talking to

at two o'clock in the morning in Los Angeles?

Uh, Lloyd Shearer at Parade. That would be my guess.

He's a known subversive leftist.

Cocksucker.

Not sure about that, sir,

but I can pull up his file if you'd like.

I was explicit with her.

No solo interviews this close to the election.

Any luck tracking down my wife?

She hasn't returned from her taping yet, sir.

But I have John Dean here for you.

Oh, God. Yeah, send the fucker in.

Dean, you flaxen-haired dog. How you doing, buddy?

- Yeah, good to see you. - You take a seat.

- Sir. - Dean.

You look well.

So, uh, I was told you wanted to see me about something.

Oh, yes.

Uh, as you know, we're gearing up for what promises to be

a grueling reelection campaign.

And as such, we are currently reevaluating

certain select personnel.

"Reevaluating"?

Yeah, that's right. Hey, tell me something.

Where do you see yourself in a year?

Where do--in a...

Hmm, that's a- That's a great question.

Um...

Well, let me start by saying,

I have very much valued the opportunity

to help implement the president's vision.

And I would urge you to remember my loyalty

when considering my continued service

in whatever capacity that service might be needed,

uh, going forward

forthwith...

in the future.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

I think he thinks this is

some kind of spring-cleaning situation, sir.

Wait, what?

So you're not recommending that I be fired?

No. Gosh, no! No.

We brought you in here because we've uh--

we got a kind of special opportunity for you.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Wow. Okay. Um...

I assume you're aware of the Intelligence Unit

that was set up in the Oval

after this whole Pentagon Papers fiasco?

Right. The Plumbers.

Yeah, that's- that's right.

Uh, there's a CIA reject named Howard Hunt.

He's the main guy over there.

And they're currently graduating

from rooting out leaks to, uh, rat-fucking the Democrats.

And there is a desire

to enact a uh, similar operation

on the campaign side of things.

You mean you want to set up an espionage unit...

here, inside the Committee to Re-elect

to spy on the Democrats?

- Oh, heavens, no, no. - No.

Espionage? That's a--that's--

that's a big-- that's a serious word.

No, we're talking about simple intelligence gathering.

I see. Um...

Nixon has 19 points on the Dems.

The election is practically in the bag.

Why would we risk that kind of legal exposure?

It's not our job to ask why.

If men like us asked why, we wouldn't have the pyramids.

Swollen wet vaginas.

We are good men.

We are men of integrity.

But we come

from our mothers' swollen wet vaginas

with flaws.

And a time comes where we need to employ those flaws

to defeat our enemy.

We must become snakes.

I see, uh...

Well, look...

...I'm not sure that it would be prudent for me

to pursue any...

snake behavior for you...

at this specific point in time.

Hmm.

Shit.

Well, I'll tell the president.

Sorry, the--the president?

Who the fuck do you think asked for you?

President Nixon asked for me?

Well, to be clear,

the president would never involve himself

in anything illegal, but, yes.

It's a damn shame.

We thought maybe you were one of us, but...

you can go.

Diana, get Bob Haldeman for me.

I think I may potentially know how to charm the snake.

- I think I know a guy. - You know a guy?

- I know a guy. - Oh.

Bud Krogh's guy, Gordon... something.

H-h-he'd be perfect

for an intelligence-gathering operation of this scope.

He's high logistical savvy, genius-level IQ, Mensa type.

- Sounds like our type. - Liddy. Gordon Liddy.

That's his name, uh, Gordon Liddy.

If you were to hire him,

say, as a general counsel...