The Righteous Gemstones

Oh, take a look at this crowd, Eli.

I do believe it is the best-lookin' buncha friends

- we've spent time with yet! - She married me,

so you know her taste is in question.

- Oh, stop it right now! - Ow!

Your mama kept everybody gettin' along,

kept everybody on track.

Well, I've had about enough.

Maybe Johnny Seasons was right.

Maybe this family has become an abomination.

Your kids are worried about you, Eli. I'm worried about you.

Oh, you come into town and instantly try to turn

my family against me? You're a two-bit con man.

Daddy, the only reason we talked to Baby Billy

was out of concern for you.

Yeah, nobody wants to see you sad, Daddy.

Mama always taught us we should never turn our back on family.

Testing. One, two, three.

Thank you, Joseph.

Mm, you look good today.

As opposed to every other day.

You look good every day.

You have to if you wanna stand next to me.

'Cause you're such a hot piece of tail, huh?

Oh, baby, I'm sizzling hot.

Places, everybody!

- Mum-mum-mum-mum-mum. - 27 till showtime.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four...

- Eli? - Yes, my love?

I'm pregnant.

Say what?

Oh, this corn is special.

Judy, stop stabbing my legs.

I'm not stabbing your legs.

Do it again, and see if I don't punch you

in the damn stomach.

Y'all keep your knives on the table.

We got some news to share.

What, Judy's finally being put up for adoption?

Jesse caught AIDS?

Enough.

I'm pregnant.

We're bringing a new little life into this world.

Say what?

Why are y'all trying to do that?

You're old.

You don't need to be having more kids.

It is unexpected. That's for sure.

But if it's His will, His will it shall be.

I hope it's a boy.

Then I can teach him how to pee standing up.

I don't. I hope y'all don't have it.

Matter of fact, I hope something happens.

Not where Mom gets hurt or anything,

but just that it ends up being a mistake and it's, like,

diarrhea or something.

That's what I hope... not a baby.

Well, maybe once you meet this little angel person,

you'll change your mind.

No, I won't. I will never like them.

They will never be my friend.

Ow! Knock it off.

Now, we all have to pitch in these next few months.

Can you do that?

You know, act as special helpers around the house?

Can't y'all just hire some poor people?

No, baby.

I'd be delighted to assist.

Thank you, Judy. Jesse?

We'll see how it goes.

I ain't making any promises.

- That went well. - Yeah.

Don't look now.

Ready? Ready now?

You ready?

Ha!

Let me tell you what, people are getting excited.

Look at this. Baby B and Aimee-Leigh.

I don't know about you,

but my phone keeps ringing off the hook.

Everybody wants to see Aimee-Leigh and Baby Billy

come back for one more tour.

You two talking telepathically to one another?

Baby Billy, we have some news we wanna share with you.

Good.

As long as it ain't bad news.

Oh, no, it is not bad at all.

It is wonderful, in fact.

God has blessed us with another child.

And I'm due in July.

We gonna be on tour in July.

Baby Billy, I can't go on tour.

I'm having a baby.

Well, we can't cancel this tour, Aimee-Leigh.

I mean, what are you talking about?

We have people counting on us.

Well, we're just gonna have to disappoint 'em.

Some things are just beyond our control.

What do you mean, "beyond our control"?

You're the one who splashed all that sperm all over her.

I mean, this is a medical impossibility.

I mean, how did this even happen, Aimee-Leigh?

You're well into your forties.

Haven't you ovulated all your eggs out by now?

You know what?

You better stop that talk right now.

You need to stop. You need to stop.

- No, you stop. - You need to stop.

You are this close to backsliding, Billy,

and you know it.

The reality is, is that is part of the blessing

of this whole thing.

We're like Abraham and Sarah.

This is a gosh-darn miracle, and...

Shh.

Lord, forgive me my harsh language.

Forgive me my harsh language, baby.

I am hormonal.

I am hormonal, Baby Billy.

All I'm trying to say... What?

All... all I'm trying to say

is that you're gonna have a miracle niece

or a miracle nephew.

Can't you get excited about that and be happy for us?

Yes, Aimee-Leigh, I'm happy for you.

I'm so happy, so overflowed with joyful thoughts.

I'm just... I'm just thinking about our business obligations.

That's all.

My wife's not going out on tour while she's with child.

It's not happening.

Well, ain't this a son of a bitch?

I mean the situation,

not the baby that's in your uterus.

Can't we just postpone the tour, you know,

till after the birth?

Just change the date on the poster?

Right there. Boom, oom.

Just like that. It's gone.

I think it's best just to put a pin in it for now.

I wasn't asking you.

I'm asking my sister.

Billy, I think it's just best

if I focus on this for right now.

Classic, Aimee-Leigh.

You got yours.

Life is beautiful.

Billy.

That's all right, no, because, uh, I am happy.

No, it's good.

Everything's fine.

I'm just happy that Jesus continues to bless you

with so many wonderful things.

I can't wait for the invitation to the shower.

I can't wait.

Get him! Yeah! Get him!

DDT his ass. You got him, Dick.

Good punch.

What are you doing, man?

Come on! Get in there!

I'm tired, Jesse. Give me a juice box!

Oh, come on, honey. Kick him.

Hey, that's enough! That's enough!

Fight's over!

Hey, preacher's boy.

You starting some shit again?

You wanna smell my finger, motherfucker?

What'd you say, you little punk?

Hey, get back here!

Arranging fights?

What kind of garbage is that?

Is that how we raised you?

Be some gangster wannabe?

It was just some tag team smack down.

Everybody was having a good time.

By forcing little kids to fight each other for money?

Sounds like a blast.

Jesse, what is going on, son?

You all know.

Enlighten us.

Look, I ain't trying to have new people in this family.

And you all work all the damn time anyway...

never around.

Now you're gonna have another kid

that takes up the rest of y'all's time?

You think we don't have enough time for you?

I know you don't. All y'all care about is work.

You mean the thing that puts a roof over your head,

food in your belly?

What do you want us to do, Jesse?

Just hope God sends down some chicken McDonald's

from the heavens?

Judy, go upstairs, hon.

I like watching Jesse get in trouble.

It makes my bird twitch.

Eww, Judy! Get out of here.

What the hell is a bird?

Oh, is she talking about her privates?

It is my privates.

Get upstairs, Judy!

Sweet boy.