The New Adventures of Old Christine

Okay, Mom, this is the tree I want.

Oh. Well, then this is the one we'll get.

So, go find that guy with the neck tattoo

and tell him to help us.

But don't go in the trailer with him.

I made that mistake last yr.

Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho.

Look at you all dressed up.

You're so... oblivious to the weather. Mm...

Don't you just love Christmas?

It is my favorite time of year.

I wish it would snow.

It's 90 degrees out.

The only cloud in the sky is from the brush fires

burning out of control in Granada Hills.

Aren't you hot?

A little bit.

But Christmas is about bundling up,

drinking hot cocoa by the fire...

And... I think I should probably sit.

I might be having a tiny heat stroke.

God, I'm... I'm so glad she's back in my life.

She's just so full of joy and positive energy.

Isn't she... A freak?

No. I was gonna say fantastic.

Oh, yeah, fantastic.

I can't remember why we broke up.

She just makes me feel so... Stupid?

No, special.

Oh, yeah. Special.

Hey, where did you guys get those snow cones?

Some elves were selling them at the entrance,

along with sunscreen and beach umbrellas.

Gosh, I should put on sunscreen.

I got a terrible burn at Thanksgiving.

Hey, I know it's not our turn,

but is it okay if we take Ritchie this weekend?

Sure. Why?

It's the 15th of December,

the beginning of Kinderclausen.

What the hell is Kinderclausen?

It's the way New Christine's family celebrates Christmas.

It comes from the Old Country.

It's just like normal Christmas that normal people have,

except it comes ten days earlier, and it's weird.

It's not weird, Richard.

It's lovely, and now that we're going to be starting a family,

I want to share my traditions with Ritchie.

I want him to taste his first bison.

I want him to hang apples and herring on the door

so that Sinder-Pa will know he's a worthy boy.

Uh, who the hell is Sinder-Pa?

In the old fables, he's ter-Ma's husband.

I told you it was weird.

She's doing a whole thing at her house.

Is it all right if Ritchie goes over there with me?

Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, Mathew and I are

going to be busy with our own holiday celebrations anyway.

Yeah, she means sitting on the couch,

avoiding Mom and Dad's drunken phone calls,

waiting for our Bior? strips to dry.

Well, it's better than Kinderschnauzer and Santa-Poo.

It's Kinderclausen and Sinder-Pa.

Oh, yes, of course, because my way was ridiculous.

You guys, look!

It's snowing.

It's a Christmas miracle!

Oh, no, no, no! That's not snow.

That's ash from the brush fires.

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Well, it'll look pretty after we decorate it.

Ah, who are we kidding? We're never going to decorate it.

We're eating out of our earthquake kit,

'cause we're too lazy to go over to the fridge and get real food.

Yeah, and we won't get around to throwing this away until Easter.

Or as New Christine probably calls it, "Bunnyflausian."

Oh, company. Hide!

Hello? Anybody home?

Oh, hi, Lucy.

Sorry. We thought you were the neighbors. Oh.

Why are you hiding from the neighbors?

Because they're having a holiday block party tonight,

and if they think we're home, they're going to invite us.

Yeah, we don't like to be invited to things.

We have too much fun on our own.

Plus, you know what?

Neighborhood parties open up a very dangerous door.

I mean, once we go to that,

then suddenly you're invited to the Fourth of July parade

and the meetings about speed bumps and the child CPR classes.

I mean, I avoid all that stuff at Ritchie's school.

I can't do it at home, too.

You know what I mean?

I'm too busy.

I'm so friendly with my neighbors.

I just love that sense of community.

It makes me feel so safe.

Well, until the old man on the corner asked me

if I wanted to see his penis.

I said no, 'cause I'd already seen a penis.

It is a kind of weird, Christine.

I mean, you've been living here for five years;

you've never met any of them.

Well, we'll meet them at the next earthquake.

We're going to need food and water,

'cause we just ate our whole emergency kit.

You guys, what about the Christmas spirit, huh?

What would Santa say if he saw you hiding here

in your house, with an undecorated tree,

avoiding your neighbors?

Yeah, I think Santa already wrote me off

when I went into that trailer with the Christmas tree guy.

I was a bit of a ho-ho-ho.

Santa doesn't write anybody off, okay,

no matter how disgusting they are.

Now, come on!

Let's go join the neighbors for some Christmas cheer.

Look, you've got three unopen bottles of wine on the counter.

Oh, oh, no, no, no, that's not for sharing.

That's for emergencies.

I mean, what if there's an earthquake?

Oh, wow!

Mmm! Smells so good in here.

It smells like...

What is that, meat?

Help me find the meat, Matthew.

Must that be your first line

every time we walk into a party or a bar?

Matthew, look, eggnog.

Don't let me drink too much.

You might get to unwrap your present early.

I think she's my present.

God, why did I ever break up with that woman?

Hello. I'm Jeanie.

This is my party.

I don't know you.

Oh, I'm your neighbor from across the street.

Oh, you live in the gray house?

Actually it's blue, but aah, stuff happened.

My husband and I have been trying to talk to you for years.

We even came over there a couple of times,

but every time we walked across the lawn,

the sprinklers went off.

Oh, yeah, sorry. I've got those on a motion detector.

There've been so many theories about you.

That you were in the witness protection program.

That you were in an iron lung. Oh.

There's a couple of people who actually thought

you were a prostitute.

Oh!

Hey, Susan! Susan, look who took the night off.

Hi, Susan, hi.

No, no, no, I'm not a prostitute.

Look at you.

You are stunning.

What are you, French?

No. I'm jealous. I hate you.

Oh, come on. There are plenty of other good reasons to hate me.

Honey, come here. I want you to meet someone.

You're not going to believe this.

Guess who this is. I'll give you a hint:

The house the kids are afraid of.

Oh, my gosh, gray house! Yeah!

Can you believe it?

Oh, well, it's Christine, actually,

But you can call me anything you want

if you show me where you're hiding that meat.

Christine, this is my husband, Josh.

Hi. Hi.

It is nice to meet you in person. Oh, thank you.

I have to apologize to you.

My dog's drawn to your yard.

It's almost like you got a pet cemetery there.

Oh, no, I don't, I don't know about that.

Look at us. We're so rude.

Honey, go get Christie a drink.

Unless, of course, you don't drink, which is fine,

but we drink.

We like to drink... a lot.

Well, since I'm not driving,

I suppose you could bring me a lot, too.

Ritchie, are you excited for your first Kinderclausen?

- I guess. - You guess?

Maybe you didn't notice that Sinder-Pa left you a nice gift

underneath the Kinderclausen ladder.

Oh, no, not that one.

That's for the baby.

No, no, not that one, either. That's for the baby.

Nope, that's for the baby, too.

Sinder-Pa knew that Ritchie was coming, right?

Of course.

Sinder-Pa has six eyes. He sees everything.

Ritchie, yours is the one wrapped in burlap,

next to the baby's pile.

I hope it's an Xbox 360.

Oh, no, Ritchie.

The gifts can't be store bought.

Only the baby gets new things, because it represents new life.

But as the oldest child,