9-1-1

Ladies and gentlemen,

please head to your seats.

The show is about to begin.

We're in our seats now.

Yeah, they are totally excited.

I did. I spoke to the usher on the way in.

Of course it's age-appropriate.

It's an ice show.

Pure family friendly entertainment.

- You're such an ass! - Call me that again,

- and I'll drop you on yours. - Try it.

Then try sleeping with one eye open

- for the rest of the tour. - We don't sleep together

anymore, sweetheart.

Remember?

You two are exhausting.

Shut the hell up, Randy!

Come on. Guys, that's... You know... fun.

Should've broken up with you back in Tucson.

Shouldn't have dated you at all.

Never settle for the bronze medalist.

Why don't you take your gold medal and shove it...

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Hansel and Gretel.

Whoo!

Oh, my God!

Holy moly!

- Whoa! - Awesome!

I haven't seen this much blood on the ice

since a squirrel crawled into the Zamboni.

Any idea what caused the accident?

Well, the Snowy Owls were finishing up

their "Free in the Forest" bit.

Hansel and Gretel hit the ice

for their breadcrumb schtick.

And, boom. Bloodbath on ice.

What's the story, Chim?

These two children are abandoned in the woods.

They come upon a gingerbread house

where a witch entices them...

It was a multi-skater pile-up.

Most of the injuries are minor except for that guy.

He lost four digits.

We hit him with a local anesthetic to transport,

still gotta find the fingers, though.

What about Hansel and Gretel?

Hansel took Gretel's blade to the torso.

We propped him up to minimize the damage.

The skate's buried about 3 centimeters

into his chest, barely missed the heart.

He doesn't have a heart.

Really? We're doing this now?

Think you can cut her foot out of the skate

- so we can transport them? - It'll probably be easy

- if they stop arguing. - Yeah, then you might wanna

- sedate her. - And I need trauma shears.

I can't find mine.

This is a laryngoscope.

Oh, right, sorry.

What were you thinking?

Breaking up with me an hour before show time?

I didn't wanna be distracted.

You know, it's hard enough catching you mid-air

at 15 miles an hour.

I'm not a Frisbee, Boyd.

I'm a partner.

- At least I was. - Found two fingers, Cap.

Still looking for the other ones.

- Hey, got the pinkie. - All right.

Three down, one to go.

You should be able to sew those back on, right?

Well, they've been on ice the whole time,

- so that'll help. - He shouldn't have to

lose his fingers to Sid and Nancy's psychodrama.

- You did this on purpose. - Impaled myself?

You thought I was leaving you behind,

so you tried to hobble me, and it backfired.

The kicker, Boyd, I wasn't leaving.

I know!

That's why I broke up with you.

Because you were gonna turn them down.

"Disney on Ice." The big leagues.

So they were fighting over her leaving.

Figured they'd shake it off once they hit the ice.

But then one of the Snowy Owls went full toe pick,

and everyone hit the ice.

Did you say "toe pick"?

Hen, you ready?

Okay.

Ah.

You broke up with me so I wouldn't turn down.

"Disney on Ice"?

It's always been your dream.

No. This is my dream.

Being out on the ice with you.

You're just saying that 'cause I could die.

Pretty sure you're gonna live.

See? Even the nice paramedic thinks you're an idiot.

Yes! I got the middle one.

Hey... hey, Cap.

We... we found all the fingers.

Cap, victims are being transported.

Our work here's done.

Great.

Ah.

Found it.

- What's that? - A sequin.

When your blade runs across one of these,

it stops your skates dead in their tracks.

Wait, one sequin did all of this?

A wardrobe malfunction

can be the most dangerous part of figure skating.

So how come you know so much about figure skating?

My partner Heidi Shatsky and I were Twin Cities.

Junior Pairs Champions three years running.

I always thought you were a hockey player, Cap.

Who says you can't do both?

We'll Google for photos later.

All right, all right. Two grand on white.

Excellent choice. That guy's a killer.

Here.

My lucky night.

Yeah, a lot of people bet against you.

Nobody expected you to take the big guy out so quick.

Tap out or knock out, your rules.

- Hm. - Hey, when can I come back?

You like that, huh?

Doesn't hurt.

Friend of mine told me I needed to find an outlet.

- I think I found it. - Yeah, nice.

You're looking to blow off some steam on Friday night,

I'll put you on the undercard.

Good.

- Finally. - Hey.

Tap out or knockout, works both ways.

Yeah.

See you soon.

Whoo. Nice truck.

Is it a rental?

Nope. All mine.

I... I didn't know you were getting a new ride.

Yeah, well, AC crapped out on the old one.

Again. Christopher and I were sitting in traffic,

sweating in traffic.

Saw this dealership. Thought, why not?

A total impulse buy.

Not like you at all.

Maybe it should be.

Well, I'll remind you of that next time

you're begging for extra shifts to cover the payments.

- What's this? - This...

This is epic.

I found Heidi Shatsky.

Morning, folks.

First up, water heater went out last night,

but they are sending someone to fix it.

Until then, you might wanna brace yourselves

when you hit the showers.

We're also changing the lunch schedule.

Captain Robert Nash...

this is your life!

Oh, my gosh. Where did you get that?

- Heidi says hi. - Aw.

She's gonna email you later.

She didn't wanna ruin the surprise.

I think we all had a little surprise this morning.

Not sure what I was expecting,

but it certainly wasn't that hair!

Yeah, Cap, what is this look?

Is it some kind of Travolta thing.

Not Travolta. Bowie.

Ziggy Stardust?

This feels a little more Siegfried and Roy.

Sorry I'm late. I had to take Denny to school.

What did I miss?

Okay, for everyone who isn't fired,

I will not be cooking today.

We're having a special guest chef at lunch.

Uh, no pasta Thursday?

Not today.

Do not touch that pot.

Okay, now I got two of you

hovering over me when I'm cooking.

I'm not hovering. I'm just here to help out.

Could you find me a skillet?

Will do.

You didn't have to do all this.

No, I needed to do something.

I cleared out every closet,

brought 16 bags to Goodwill.

Yesterday, I even started

organizing our receipts for the accountant.

- It's November. - Exactly.

I need the suspension to be over with

before I start redecorating the damn house.

Okay.

You want me to try those beans?

Mmm, yes.

- How's that? - Good.