It's Us

Actors are so fucking dumb.

I mean, I just fucking hate when they think that they matter.

So, you made a career of making them think that they matter?

But, you like having nice things. Right?

No, come on, dude. That guy's a fucking joke.

I mean, showing up without shoes to an event like that, so...

I mean I get it. But, to make that much of an effort.

And that fucking Rodney Dangerfield blazer? Grow up!

He has the fucking balls to call me stiff.

We're the people that get them paid.

And he has the fucking gall to call me a fucking...

I should have just knocked him out. But what happens then?

I lose my fucking job.

- Right? - Hmm

I mean...

Fucking shit!

I got fucking poor man's Aaron Eckhart, fucking razzie me in front of all my fucking...

Who the fuck is he? He's a fucking 45-year-old nobody

sitting around, eating cereal, playing Call of Duty, while we all fucking work for him.

What a fucking loser!

I mean, Hung was a mediocre show. What else has he done?

Wasn't he in Boogie Nights?

Wait, who's fucking side are you on?

Well, you asked a question.

Yeah, but I didn't want an answer 'cause it's gonna make me look like a dipshit.

I'm sorry, Joe.

It's okay, Joe. It's just, fuck!

This fucking town.

Knowing aside, I'll fucking behave.

Hey.

- Hey. Hey. Hey. - Hey. Hey.

Hey.

Okay.

- Holy shit! - What, what, what, what?

Oh fuck! Dude, dude, dude, what the fuck are you doing?

What the fuck is this? You can't keep doing this shit.

-What? -I just missed the fucking... Oh, cock sandwich!

Then just fucking circle back around.

"Circle back around!" It's not fucking that... It's fucking harder than that.

Well, I'm sorry. It was a false alarm anyway.

I thought that it said that we got picked up.

And that we were waiting to hear if we got picked up.

Okay, so, we missed the turn, almost wrecked the car...

because of a false alarm on a web series wardrobe gig?

- Correct me if I'm wrong. - Don't be a dick.

No, no, no, I'm not. I'm just fact checking.

If that's the reason... And now I'm circling around,

and I'm gonna want a fat burger and that's literally, the last fucking thing that I want.

- Or I could go Jack in the Box? - Not for a web series.

Okay.

I let the first one go. I did. But, you're that much of a fucked up asshole

that you actually need to make this a thing?

No, no, no. See, I am just a guy.

Who realizes that there is a lot of fucking one way streets

- down here. - No, you're just...

- such a miserable prick sometimes. You know that? -Yeah.

I mean...

All I do is listen you talk about how you fucking hate actors?

Okay, whoa, just.

You weren't fucking listening. Okay?

Because you were swiping you clammy clam fingers all over your fucking phone.

All I'm trying to do is drive us home.

And vent to my fucking wife.

And to me that seems like pretty fucking reasonable fucking thing to do.

But all you do is vent. That's all you fucking do.

"I hate myself, I wanna kill myself, I wanna fucking shoot myself."

It's all I ever hear.

What do you mean, clam fingers?

Okay, first of all,

I didn't say I wanted to shoot myself.

Yet, tonight, so, obviously you weren't listening.

- All I do is listen. - "All I do is listen."

Okay.

Okay, case in point, do you see what I mean?

See how much it fucking sucks that we missed that fucking turn.

'Cause you're fucking...

It's just fucking super not chill, dude I am just saying.

You're a 33-year-old man.

You can't say "super not chill" anymore.

It makes it tough to be your wife. I'm just saying.

You know what? The fucking self allotted, ten pound, fluctuation buffer

that you give yourself, it makes it tough to be your husband.

Five is ample, sweetheart. Five is ample. Okay?

What's up? What's up?

- No. Nothing. Nothing. - No, please.

-Indulge me, please. What d'you got? -It's nothing.

It's just that there's so much of your mother in you.

Just like, nasty, out of nowhere. And you know what, it's scary.

You should be on something.

Okay, I see what you're doing.

You just say anything that's gonna make me fucking put a knife in both of our bellies.

But, I'll tell you, it's not gonna work.

It's not gonna fucking work.

Because you're dumb.

That's all.

I know, I just oft worry about how you navigate the day.

But, that's all. Those are my concerns.

Because I'm in this too. It's you and me, right?

So I see you got out of bed in the morning and you get in bed at night...

But it's all that space in between where I'm consumed with worry and wonder.

_I'm consumed with wonder how you do it. -Pull the car over.

- I'm not. - Pull the fucking car over!

-Shut the fuck up. What're you doing? -Pull the fucking car over.

- I can't. I gotta get on the... - I can't figure it out.

- Pull the fucking car over. - Okay. Jesus fucking Christ.

Dude. Fuck me.

You could've told me you're such a big fan of Hung.

What the fuck are you doing? Dude, don't fucking hit the driver.

Re you fucking shitting me?

Dude, shut the fuck, what the fuck are you doing? Do not hit the fucking driver.

You gotta be shitting me. Don't hit the fucking driver.

You don't hit the fucking driver.

That's the fucking rule. Don't hit the driver.

-Joe, get in the car. What are you doing? -No fucking Joe. No Joe.

This isn't a great place to prove a fucking point, okay?

-Yeah, okay. -Get in the car, we're going home.

-No, leave me. -What, you're gonna walk around at two fucking a.m.?

No, I'm gonna call Rachel and have her come and pick me up.

-Get in the car, we're gonna go home. -You're not gonna touch me.

You're not gonna fucking touch me.

- Get in the car. - Don't fucking touch me.

-Don't fucking touch me. Don't touch me. -All right.

What the fuck, dude? Hands off my fucking lid.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Okay, okay.

Do you see? See that right now? See, I'm stronger than you.

Physically. A lot stronger, all right? Okay?

And that's what matters. Right now that's what matters.

So you touch my fucking hair again, and all that's fucking off. Got it?

We're done.

Great.

-Okay, let's just fucking go home. Jack in the box is fine. -No.

- Hey. - Fuck hey! We're done-done.

You're a fucking joke.

Argh! My fucking elbow! Fuck!

- We haven't had sex in... - A week.

Sixteen days.

Hey, come on.

I figured how important that is, you know.

We just had a nice time. Would you like some more coffee?

- Sure. - Okay, here.

It's almost done, just...

Brush fire.

-Okay, we didn't screw it away, did we? -No.

Oh, fuck.

- I'm sorry. - That's not gonna cut it.

All right, well, I remember us both being pretty sorry

couple of minutes ago when you were, you know, before, when you were...

Okay, I mean, for both of us.

I mean, look at your face.

No one in the world makes me as angry as you do.

Well, that has to count for something then, doesn't it?

I don't know how I get so mean?

God, we can't do this anymore.

You just said that I do something that nobody else in the world can do.

So if I take that thing and make it a positive, you just have to believe that I can.

No, no, dumb-dumb, it's not necessarily that. It's this. It's all of this.

-It's all of this, something has to change, or... -Or?

- No. - I know. But, but...

Hey.

- Hey. Hey. - Hey.

Come here. Okay I'll come then.

- We gotta get out of here. - Yeah.

- I can do it, buddy. - No, No.

Yeah, that wasn't a...

Let's go. We'll go to Palm Srings for the night. Get a room at the Ace.

-No. That's not... Gross and no. -I don't know what else there is then.

- Yes, lowaska, dig? - Joe.

Well, I don't even know what we are talking about any more.

This place is toxic. That's what we are talking about. This place is toxic.

Which makes us toxic. The whole thing, we can't...

We can't stay here.

Can we just start with breakfast, please?

I'm being serious, if you try hanging out with us.

Yeah, we are fun.

Need to be around.

Hey, Joe! Joe. Joe!

Tina said that Dave has a new hair loss treatment?

I think that we should maybe...

You know what I think it is?

I think if you would just stand up a little bit straighter

and throw your shoulders back, and really just kind of...

I don't know. I just think people would take you more seriously.

I'm going to say something incredibly rude.

- And I think that that's... - Don't.

I just don't care...

Your brain's a terrible corner-back.

My brain's a terrible quarterback?

Corner-back. It has bad coverage in your mouth.

Please just shut the fuck up.

Okay, the worst of times, I know. I get it.

But I have this thing called my job.

Okay.

How many times in the last month because of your job have you

threatened to kill yourself or begged me to kill you?

Fuck! I wanna die.

Okay, what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna cut my dick off.

And I'm gonna swallow it. Softly, though.

Okay? So it lodges in my esophagus

so if I don't choke to death my dick stump will fucking bleed out.