Evolution

Despite all the warnings, she was smoking in bed, fell asleep.

Bad move.

And the fire begins.

It's showtime.

Don't worry, ma'am! I'm here to save you!

Keep those people back! This is an emergency!

Don't you dare die on me!

Breathe, damn it, breathe!

She's going to make it!

What the...?

Damn!

Though it may be hard to believe a single biology professor...

...making in excess of $17,500 a year could find time...

...to grade your first biology research papers, I did.

As you can see, there was a shocking statistical anomaly:

Pretty much all of you got A's.

Congratulate yourselves. I have a good feeling about this group.

And I think the parade of A's will continue to the end of the semester.

So much for the bell curve.

Bell curves suck!

- Mr. Kane? - Dr. Kane?

There seems to be a mistake here.

My brother and I each got a C-.

C-. Me, too.

Allow me to share something with the entire class.

As I was grading papers, I came across two gems, both entitled "Cells are Bad."

Both with just one paragraph, which I unfortunately committed to memory.

"Cells are Bad.

"My uncle lives in a cell.

"It's 10 by 12 and he has to read the same boring magazine every day.

"The end."

You're talking about our papers, aren't you, Dr. Kane?

Yes, I am.

And although my standards are nowhere near where they used to be...

...I couldn't put an A on those beauties. I hope you understand.

- Sure. - Yeah, okay.

Okay, let's get back to work at the periodic table, which...

A meteor? Where?

Route 89A. Yeah, I got it.

Rest assured, I will be there. Okay, 'bye.

How does it look, Professor?

It's tight.

Really, really tight, Nadine.

But not too tight. You just don't have the points. Sorry.

Don't take it too hard. Geology's tougher than people think.

Are you sure? Could you check again?

I need this credit to get into nursing school.

Nursing school?

Wouldn't you prefer a different profession?

One where lives were not dependent on you?

Actually, what I want to be is Miss Arizona.

But my pageant consultant says nursing school will impress the judges.

They'll think I want to help people...

Ready for lunch?

Or have you already eaten?

I'm just concluding a teacher-student conference with Nadine.

Harry, your dedication to your job is an inspiration to us all.

Regrettably, I have a prior lunch engagement with Professor Kane.

We'll discuss your extra credit later. Cheer up.

Let me grab my stuff.

Where are you taking me?

- A meteor hit last night. - That's what that was.

As Glen Canyon's representative for the U.S. Geological Survey...

...I have to check it out.

I'm taking you in case I have to do something scientific.

Then we eat.

You're with the USGS?

I signed up over the Internet.

Or were you on a cheerleader site and accidentally got linked to the USGS site?

Something like that.

Watch it. Take it easy.

That's my baby. Take it easy.

Come on! Be careful!

Who's going to pay for the damage to my goddamn car?

I told you, we don't do that. It's force majeure.

Force majeure, my ass! That car's a classic '73 Buick Riv.

Who are you?

Harry Block, United States Geological Survey.

My secretary, Ira Kane. We're here to investigate the meteor...

...if that is what it is.

Of course it is. It almost blew up my car.

I'm still fuzzy on why you were here at night.

With Betty Lou here.

I was practicing for my fireman's exam, which started seven minutes ago.

So I'd appreciate it if you'd let me go.

So you and the blonde found the meteor?

Yeah, I found it. It bounced my car 200 feet in the air.

- Can I go? - Bob, get him out of here.

Don't leave town.

Well, Sheriff, is this the...

...point of penetration?

Yeah. It punched through into a cavern about 80 feet down.

Now that's a hole!

Damn it!

Next time, you carry the case.

You're the USGS representative. That responsibility comes with the badge.

Oh, my God. Look at that.

I believe we've located the target.

Two big smiles, fellas.

Cheese!

Okay, hold it up now.

- Got it. - It's really hot.

I'll hold you up.

Show a little more nightstick.

Look at these jackasses.

Muscle pose. Give me big smiles! Looking good.

At ease, gentlemen! The feds are here.

Feds? What feds?

Who let you down here?

Let's not get combative.

The USGS and local law enforcement have a long history of cooperation.

We're just here to get some scientific samples. If that's okay.

Yeah, sure. We got all the photographic evidence we need.

- Carry on. - Thanks. Keep up the good work.

Wow.

It just hit last night and it has stuff growing on it.

Could be cave moss.

After just a few hours? That's peculiar.

Let's get a sample and get out of here.

It's bleeding.

It's a rock that bleeds.

Now that's really peculiar.

Let's bag it.

I don't know if this USGS gig is all it's cracked up to be.

I mean, it pads out my résumé, but am I growing as a person?

Am I growing as a Division 3 women's volleyball coach?

You going to do that spectro-thingy test?

Spectrograph. Yeah, I will do a spectroscopic analysis.

Your résumé will shine.

I got to get to the game. Let me know if you find anything.

Ira, are you sure you can handle this by your lonesome?

All right.

That's impossible.

Ten base pairs.

That can't be.

Come on, ladies! Look alive up here!

Tina! When Lisa goes for the spike, you have to cover the line!

Lisa! Two hands, okay? Two hands!

God gave you two hands for a reason!

Big news. The most amazing thing.

The meteor samples are teeming with one-celled organisms.

Their metabolic rates are off the charts.

They're dividing at an incredible rate. Almost exponential.

Their DNA has ten base pairs.

Ten base pairs. That's good to know.

Harry, the DNA of all earth life has only four base pairs.

Come on, ladies! Look alive!

Harry...

...these are organisms from another world.

They're aliens.

Is the Nobel Prize paid in installments or a lump sum, like the lottery?

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

I'm not. I'm concerned about the potential tax consequences.

- Why in here? - I just want to be cautious.

Our discovery.

I'm all tingly.

Wow.

I'm no biologist, but how many cells do single-celled organisms have?

If we want to be big important scientists, you have to act the part.

Take a look.

There are multi-cellular organisms in there.

I know.

- They weren't there before. - They snuck in.

No, there was no sneaking in.

It's too amazing.

It's like they're evolving.

They're growing.

Growing into more complex organisms.

It's evolution.

Nobel, here we come.

But it's 200 million years worth in just a few hours.

That's fast.

You have no idea.

Get ready!

On my signal! Go!

Recruit, wake up.

Wake up!

Go!

- The hose! This thing here! - Sorry.

Move it!

Wayne, go! Come on!

These things happen, buddy.

There's another test in six months.

Six months? I can't wait six months!

At least you have the pool gig at the country club.

Great. Thanks a lot.

Drive careful.

I got it. I do this.

Looks like we have visitors.

Class, since this is our first field trip, I want you to obey some simple rules.

Dirt.

Nice footwear.

Perfect for spelunking. Now don't touch anything.

Don't move anything. Don't even breathe unless we say.

Wear your protective gloves at all times.

Why do we have to do this?

Field experience. The meat and potatoes of geology.

- Will this be on the final? - Yes.

- Officer, nice to see you. - What's up, Professor?

We came to pick up the rock.