Friends

He sprang to his sleigh To his team gave a whistle

And away they all flew Like the down of a thistle

But I heard him exclaim Ere he drove out of sight

"Merry Christmas to all And to all a good night."

- Wow. That was great. - Mm-hm.

You really wrote that?

Uh-huh.

- Say goodbye, elves. I'm off to Tulsa. Aw.

I can't believe you're not gonna be here for Christmas.

You're really not coming back?

Yeah, we have this paperwork that needs to be filed by the end of the year.

- If I don't get it done, I'll be fired. - It's so unfair.

- You don't even like your job. - So? Who does?

- I like my job. - I love my job.

- I can't wait to go back to work. - I can't get enough dinosaurs.

I'm sorry I won't be here.

It's just hard enough not seeing you during the week...

...but for Christmas...

If this is what you have to do, I understand.

Thanks.

I'll see you New Year's Day.

You're not gonna be here New Year's Eve?

- Did I not mention that? - No.

And to all a good night.

All right, everybody. I know that it is Christmas Eve...

...and you'd rather be with your families, but there is no call for writing:

"Screw you, Mr. Bing" on the back of my chair.

By the way, you can all call me Chandler.

- Hey. - Hey. Where you been?

I was, uh, checking out that insurance company's Christmas party on three.

It was really beautiful. They have all these decorations and this huge tree.

And I just thought, to hell with them, we have to work.

So I stole their ham.

You hear that? You may not be with your families...

...but at least it's gonna smell like ham in here.

My kid's in a play right now.

You know what? I know what will cheer you guys up.

I had a talk with the boys in New York.

I told them about all the hard work you've been doing...

...and that a little Christmas bonus may be in order.

"A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet."

Well, that's like money in your pocket.

All right, look, you want me to say it? This sucks.

Being here sucks. This work sucks.

Now it feels like Christmas.

I'm sorry.

Hey, at least you get to go home and be with your families tonight.

I have to back to an empty hotel room and lay down...

...on a very questionable bedspread.

Then tomorrow morning, you get to have Christmas morning in your own houses.

Which, by the way, none of you have invited me to.

- You can come to my house. - Ha, ha. No, thanks.

- It was a nice pep talk. - Oh, thanks.

I'm actually thinking about becoming a motivational speaker.

So if you were home right now, what would you be doing?

Typical Christmassy stuff, you know. Our holidays are pretty traditional.

So here's a very special holiday song...

...that I wrote for some very important people to me.

Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap

Asked him to bring my friends All kinds of crap

Said all you need Is to write them a song

They haven't heard it yet So don't try to sing along

No don't sing along

Monica, Monica Have a happy Hanukkah

Saw Santa Claus He said hello to Ross

And please tell Joey Christmas will be snowy

And Rachel and Chandler

Happy holidays, everybody.

Okay, Pheebs, look in the kitchen. I'll look in the back closet.

I can save you time, ladies. I'm right here.

Yeah. Chandler, why don't you take a walk?

This doesn't concern you.

We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.

What? That's terrible. - No, no. We do it every year.

Oh, well, that makes it not terrible.

No. Yeah, we never find them. She's always bested us, that wily...

...minx.

Don't worry. We're gonna search here for an hour...

...and then we're gonna go to Joey's and search. Okay?

No, not okay. You can't look for Monica's presents.

- No, we have to. - No, you don't have to.

And you can't, because I live here too.

- Well, then you should look with us. - Why?

Chandler, aren't you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?

No, I have a great idea for a present for her.

Oh, pfft. That's it? A great idea again?

Chandler, that's not enough. What if she gets you a great present...

...two medium presents and a bunch of little presents...

...and you got her one great present? That's just gonna make her feel bad.

Why would you do that to her, Chandler? Why? Why?

- If I helped, we could find them faster. - That's right.

- Ooh, ooh, we have a live one. - It's a Macy's bag.

Yeah.

- Oh. - Ooh. Who's it for?

"Dear Losers: Do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch?

P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you."

Rach, these are for you.

Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.

No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do.

Okay, Pheebs, your turn.

Ah. Toilet seat covers.

Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?

You guys.

And for Ross, Mr. Sweet Tooth.

- You got me a cola drink? - And... a lemon-lime.

Wow. Well, this... This is too much.

I feel like I should get you another sweater.

And last, but not least...

They're ribbed, for your pleasure.

Well, hey, Ben.

What if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the Festival of Lights?

Cool.

Come on, Ben.

Years and years ago, there were these people called the Maccabees.

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas.

Santa. - Hey.

What are you doing here, Santa?

Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben.

What are you doing here...

...weird turtle-man?

I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend.

You sent me here to give Ben some presents.

Remember?

What?

Okay, Ben, why don't you open some more presents?

Santa, the armadillo and I will have a talk in the kitchen.

There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.

What are you doing?

You called everyone and said you had trouble finding a Santa costume...

...so I borrowed one from a guy at work.

Thank you, but you gotta leave.

- Why? - Because...

...I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah.

And you're wrecking it.

But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.

I'm sorry, Chandler, but this is really important to me.

Okay, fine. I'll give the suit back.

Hey, you think you can keep it another night?

Santa? Really?

- Yeah, is that okay? - Did your dad ever dress up like Santa?

- No. - Then it's okay.

You know what, everybody?

Go home. You should be with your families.

It's bad enough that we're working New Year's Eve.

Did I not tell anyone about New Year's Eve?

All right, look, go. Go home, okay? Merry Christmas. Go.

Merry Christmas. Peace on earth.

Bye. - Good. Godspeed, good people.

- You're not gonna go? - Nah. I couldn't leave you alone.

Oh. Thanks.

Besides, I can't leave until that Christmas party downstairs clears out.

There are some pissed-off insurance people looking for that ham.

Ah.

- Chandler Bing. - Hi, honey. We're all here.

We just want to wish you a Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Aw, merry Christmas. I miss you guys.

So is it horrible? Is everybody working really hard?

Uh, well, no, it's just, uh, me and Wendy.

Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.

It is. Did I not tell you about her?

Mm-hm. About the time you told me about New Year's Eve.

- Where's everybody else? I sent them home.

Oh, you are such a good boss. Is she pretty?

- Uh... Uh... - Answer faster. Answer faster.

- I don't know. - Answer better. Answer better.

I don't think of her that way. I mean, she's a, uh, colleague.

- What does she do there? - Oh, she's regional vice president.

- She's just below me. - She did what?

Below me.

Oh, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma?

What?

Well, she didn't win.