The Special

I couldn't.

You have to, Jerry.

The best revenge is revenge.

I mean come on, she cheated on you first, right?

So I have to cheat on her?

You know what she's gonna think if you don't?

No, why?

She's gonna mistake kindness for weakness, all right?

You'll be sending the wrong message.

That it's all right to fuck around without consequences.

This will even the score.

A healthy relationship is an equal relationship.

I don't know, who am I gonna cheat with, Mort?

Don't look at me, guys.

You're on the list.

Jerry, you're a good guy and you're a great husband.

- You think so? - I know so

and that is why I have the perfect thing for you.

Tonight, I'm getting you the Special, my friend.

- No, Mike, no, no. - Oh yes, man.

You're getting the Special.

I'm not going to some massage parlor whorehouse

for a $5 happy ending I could do myself for free.

Gross, please.

Trust me.

It is not what you think.

Before we go, I'm gonna need you

to put this bag over your head.

- Are you kidding me? - Do I look like I'm kidding?

Put that on your head or you can forget it.

Why?

Because I know you well enough and after

you have what you're about to have,

you're gonna go back there every single night

until you're broke and even that won't be enough.

So consider this a preventative measure.

Really?

Yeah, really, just put the bag on, come on.

Okay, okay, fine.

Yeah.

Dick.

You're gonna love it, man.

You look good.

Am I gonna suffocate in here?

- Can you breathe now? - Yeah.

Then you're fine, can you see?

- No. - Are you sure?

Mike, I can't see.

How many fingers am I holding up?

I don't know, four?

That's a good guess.

All right my friend, we have arrived.

Can I take this off?

Yeah, take it off.

Where?

Not a massage parlor, a psychic front for a whorehouse.

- Nice. - Not just any psychic,

Madam Zhora's.

Your future is about to get rocked.

- Oh god Mike, all right. - Come on.

Let's get this over with.

Let's do it, come on.

Come on, you are gonna be thanking me so much, Jerry.

- Who's house is this? - Stop asking questions.

Ladies.

Are you the Special?

Her name is Syn and believe me, she lives up to the hype.

Wow.

Syn, you are

gold-

en.

Like me?

I like you, Jerry.

How did you know my...

You have it in your eyes.

- You will want the Special. - That's what we're here for.

- She's not the Special? - Her, no.

- Which one is it then? - Oh, none of these.

I mean they all seem pretty damn special to me, man.

What do you want?

Madame Zhora, we're here for the special.

Both of you?

Oh no, just my buddy here.

His eyes.

Hey,

I'm Jerry.

Best sex of your life.

Dracula is the Special?

What?

Oh hell no, no.

You don't find me attractive?

Or

maybe you like Syn or

my other dolls better, eh?

Trust me Jerry, after five minutes,

you're gonna be forgetting all about Lisa.

- $60 now. - Since when?

Since the last time.

Wait, there's nobody in here.

What the fuck?

What?

No way.

Mike, this is some kind of joke.

Ugh, that's creepy.

Oh, gross.

Where am I?

You know what they say, when in Rome, right?

All right.

Oh, I like this room.

So Syn, what are you...

It's a shame you don't have it.

Oh, I got it and believe me, I'm gonna bring it.

A few times, apparently.

Wow.

Dick in a box.

I don't know where to put my hands, okay.

Just the tip.

Jerry has found the Special.

Get your friend, I am missing my shows.

Okay, relax, "Matlock" is on

like five times a day, lady.

Ah, jeez.

Jerry.

He breathes?

He bleeds?

Breathes, breathes, he's breathing.

I think so, I'm not a doctor.

Like she's not a psychic, right?

- Oh, Jesus. - Ivan.

- Hey Mike? - Yeah Jerry, Jerry?

- Mike. - Hey man.

- Jerry. - Where is your car?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, get off him, man.

He's still got a half chop hanging out.

I can't take him outside like this.

- So dress him. - Me?

Isn't it what you guys get paid for?

All right, jimmies

and there's a lot of sticky DNA on here.

There you go, there you go.

- The car? - It's out front.

It's gonna be all right, Jerry.

- Take the feet. - Oh, god.

Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, let me get his jacket, it's wintertime.

This is fun, all right.

Don't bring this one back, tell him to not return.

He is what it wants.

Okay, understood.

- What the fuck? - Didn't I tell you?

Hey, just to be transparent, I did have

to hold onto your penis while we lifted you into the car.

You had one of those four hour Viagra boners.

Yeah, I still do, dude.

Oh man, no.

God, what the hell what in that box?

It is best not to ask, trust me.

Yeah, I guess, I mean who the hell cares, right?

Exactly.

Please Mike, please.

See what I tell you, the answer's no, all right?

- One and done. - Come on.

- I'm your best friend. - Yeah, I'm your best friend.

I'm doing you a favor here, all right?

Just forget about it, shake it off.

Just go in there and you tell Lisa about how you

just had the best sex of your fucking life with a box.

Hey, you be a good boy

and I'll set you up with Syn next time, all right?

She's pretty far out, trust me.

Just once a week, fuck the bar, I need this, man.

Hey, hey, hey, baby steps.

Baby steps, we'll see.

Where have you been?

Where does it look like, Lis?

Out drinking with Mike again?

I was drinking with Jerry.

- Hey. - What?

How'd you find out about, you know?

Oh you know, drunk friend of a friend type thing.

He must be a pretty good customer because then one day,

that old lady, she offered me the Special.

Shit.

I did it once, once is enough.

Why, is there some kind of rule or something?

Talk to Syn, she knows.

Once is enough.

Thanks, man.

That's what I do.

For the support.

Yeah, don't mention it, man.

- Are we square? - Yeah.

- I got this. - You got it.

Hey, don't forget the Rhyerson files.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I'm cool, thanks.

I think I'm just gonna go to sleep.

I'm pregnant, Jerry.

Are you serious?

I thought, I thought my...