An Idiot Abroad

A little bit, yeah. I've still got this sore throat annoying me a bit.

If I was on my death bed, there's no way I wanna be climbing Kilimanjaro.

It's not things to do a few minutes before you die. (laughs)

Easy boys. Easy boys!

It's difficult. He was so suspicious after the last time.

We've told him he gets to choose from the list

This is like an Attenborough moment.

But that doesn't mean that there won't be a few treats in store

Fucking hell!

This is a man who's reluctant.

This is a man who doesn't wanna do these things.

It's making Karl do things other people want to do before they die.

Yeah, exactly. This isn't his list.

Fucking twats! Agh!

Travel the Trans-Siberian railway.

Oh, wow.

That's the stuff of dreams, isn't it?

This is known as the greatest train journey in the world.

Is that because most train journeys aren't that great anymore?

I know they get on the Pendolino from Euston to Manchester.

I'm looking forward to this. I'll do it because it'll get me from A to B.

I've always wanted to do it. I'm fascinated by Russia.

A place of amazing... The history alone...

It's grim, Russia? What do you mean grim?

What? All if it? It's the biggest country in the world.

What you see on the telly is people queuing for spuds and stuff.

Maybe it is a good train journey to them.

Maybe their other trains are worse than ours.

The luxury carriages of the Trans-Siberian Express

have, you know, all the modern coms, it's like luxury stuff.

What's the toilet situation on the train?

I've never been on the journey so can't say for certain,

there's, you know... Toilets.

As long as there's toilets. How long are you on the toilet?

Ages. I sit there loads. Why? Cos it's me time.

There's no one else coming in annoying me.

Everywhere else I go in the house Suzanne's there.

"You haven't done this. Have you called them? That needs fixing."

She doesn't come in there. Shut the door, sit there, me legs go numb.

That's the thing for me. I've gotta get up in a minute.

Because otherwise she will have to come in and help me off. (laughter)

What a life! What a life... I like...

.. he's carved out for himself.

It's not one that jumps out for me. I'm not over the moon with it.

But it's better than the others. That's the problem with this.

Can we sign you up for this one? Yeah?

Great. Trans-Siberian Express.

Yeah. Enjoy it.

Alright? Would you give us a lift into town?

I'm going on the train. On the Trans-Siberian railway.

It's things to do before you die. Have you been on it?

You're not selling it to me.

Whatever you think is worth seeing.

Right, well, that's not great.

And I thought I was miserable. Good Jesus!

Honestly, if that's what I'm like. Suzanne always says I moan a lot.

If she moans at me again... I wish she was here, really.

Just so I can say, "Come and meet this miserable bastard."

I mean, he's in the wrong job, isn't he? He's working with tourists.

They don't get that many tourists here, Karl.

They won't have him as the first point of contact when people come in.

Honestly, if there was a plane going back now I'd get on it.

Oh, brilliant. Thanks, cheers.

What do you think? Food looks alright.

Building's lovely. There's a lot of blokes around with next to nowt on.

Are they totally nude? I didn't wanna look properly. I just saw skin.

Some of them are. It's leather furniture.

You shouldn't sit on a leather sofa with a bare arse.

I didn't like getting in my dad's Ford Cortina with shorts on

cos your skin sticks to it. I don't want me bollocks stuck to this.

I don't even wanna touch it now. I mean, it's wipeable.

Steam room?

I didn't know that. Nobody said that?

OK. I'll see you in a bit. See you.

That's hot.

I like a massage. I love it, when I get in, I say to Suzanne,

"Rub me legs, they're active. Rub me neck." Just a nice rub.

That's all I want. Nice and quiet. Ten minutes of that.

I've never seen anyone in a sauna getting hit by a shrub.

The thing is, cos I can't feel anything at the moment,

I feel scalded. They might be nettles.

And then they'll be whacking me again with dock leaves.

Fucking hell!

Agh! Fuck!

It says a lot that women aren't here. Cos women are a bit more screwed on,

I think, when it comes to knowing how to relax.

They go off and have a nice little face rub.

Leg massage. Facial. I mean, how do they do it a facial here?

It seems like you can't enjoy anything.

Can't wait to get out of Moscow. I haven't enjoyed it very much.

Glad just to get on the tracks, really.

This is all a bit, sort of,

Aberdeen Angus Steak House. '70s.

Other than that it's sound, yeah. Perfect.

This is all I want. Me own space. No people annoying me. No noise.

No crowds. And I just look out the window.

At Russia. Which is what it's all about, innit?

Are you just gonna keep yourself to yourself? That's the plan.

I'm not here to annoy anyone. They don't have to annoy me.

For me, it's perfect. I can't moan.

Ricky and Steve said this is what I was gonna get.

And they've delivered. I'm not gonna moan.

No, this here. Yeah.

Room six? Room six. Same as this?

Alright, just give us a minute cos I need to get me bag and shoes.

Yeah, I'll come to room six in a minute, alright.

Just give me a minute. I'll put me shoes on and come down to room six.

Da. Da.

I'll come down in a minute.

Just let me put these on and get my stuff together.

And I'll come down. Brilliant.

I will. I will come down if you want to...

I can find it on me own if you like. And I can come down.

12 in that one.

This is good.

Smoking carriage.

Are we going in the rough part here?

Is it much further? Much...

Really?

Staying here?

What do I do? Where will I sit?

This one's mine.

This isn't funny this. This is dangerous.

What class is this? Seriously.

I'm sat on a shelf. This isn't a bed.

I feel like Anne Frank.

I hope there's no one gonna be above me again, is there?

That isn't another bed up there, is it?

It's just not practical, this. At least you've got a bed.

Richard, stop saying "At least you've got a bed."

Great for putting books on. Ornaments.

.

.

Alright, how's it going?

Well, yeah, it was lovely for about 20 minutes.

Before they moved me to third class. Nice that.

Didn't really get a chance to get bored with it.

What do you think? I didn't even know there was a third class.

I don't even send letters third class.

See you later.

I think it's just something that was done years ago.

It was a nice idea. In the '60s there was all that space race.

But then it's just died out.

To me, it's how, like, everybody was, sort of, into going to Tenerife

in the '80s. Everywhere has its day. Know what I mean?

Before that, space.

It's just Torremolinos. These are places that are talked about

in certain decades and after a while, people realise

they're not that great. And they stop going.

And that's what happened with, like, space and the moon.

You're not interested in zero gravity?

No, I like to have me feet on the ground.

And being in control of where I'm going.

I don't understand. I... I don't understand.

Can I see this move without me in?

Yeah, but is it possible to see it without me in

I thought it was a whizzy thing.

Yeah, it spins round.

To where?

I've seen something different to this.

On James Bond. It was like an egg on an arm.

And it whizzes round and you can see my face,

and I can go, "Oh." That's a film.

It would make it a lot easier if I see someone else go in here,

whizz round and see what they come out like.

I came to Russia to get on a train. Trans-Siberian railway.

I feel sick.

Have you done anything like this before? No, no, I haven't. No.

Why would I? Think about what you're asking me there, Richard.

Have I done anything like this before? Got in a tumble dryer?

What do you mean? Have I done anything like this before?

We will hear and see you.

Ready?

Can we start off slowly? OK.

It's moving now. It's not moving.

It is! It's moving now.

It's a mad thing. It was 30 years old, that bit of kit.

I can feel it now. Oh fuck.

It was like a giant swingball.

And I was sat in the ball.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, just feel a bit...

I am, yeah.

How fast is that?

I done it. It was alright.

I thought I did a good job in the end.

It's not that hard being a spaceman.

It's sort of built up as being tricky and complicated.

But you've just gotta sit on your arse.

At the end of the day, think about it, they sent a chimp.

I mean, when you're taking over from a chimp,

it's not a difficult job, is it? There's no pressure on you.

In fact, there is cos if you don't get it right, they go,

"What are you doing? Chimp managed to do it."

I don't want to start whizzing about in zero gravity.

It's worried me more seeing the briefing.

Seeing the footage of people floating about.

Even Stephen Hawking has been up there. He's done it.

But what damage can he possibly do to himself now? He's knackered.

Years ago, when they first got on the moon or in space,