The League of Gentlemen - Live Again!

I regret to announce that

The League of Gentlemen are going to be late on stage tonight

due to traffic problems.

However, here to start the show, please welcome

Legz Akimbo Theatre Company.

Careful with it!

Here, little boy, do you want to come and play on my PlayStation?

You can fiddle with my joystick.

No, thanks!

Boom!

- Are we playing for money? - That's the only way to play, Doc.

Would you like to do the honours, young man?

- I will, sir. - Right, what's it to be then?

Erm... Knock-out whist.

Knock-out whist! I think not, Doc.

Let's have a round of Slippery Jack.

Excellent, sir, excellent!

Er, I'm afraid I don't know how to play that one.

You don't know Slippery Jack, Doc?

Doc doesn't know Slippery Jack, Mike.

You don't know Slippery Jack, Doc? All right. Let's have a round

- of 40-card Drag. - Good idea, young man!

- One, two, three... - Forty-card Drag,

is that the one that's a bit like poker?

Oh!

Don't you know any card games, Doc?

Yes, whist, knock-out whist, rummy, pontoon.

Now, come on, let's have a game of Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!

Excellent, sir, excellent!

I'll just sort through these.

Look, I don't know how to play that one either.

Oh, everyone knows Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!

- I don't. I don't. - You do.

You do! It's like a cross between Hoover and Eight Men Down!

Well, I don't know how to play those either.

- Oh! - It's all right.

We'll just have to explain the rules to you then, Doc.

- It's very simple. - Jacks are worth 10,

kings are worth three.

Apart from one-eyed jacks which are wildcards.

But we'll come to those in a minute.

Round one, you get a hand of nine, round two, of seven.

- Two's your wildcard. - We'll come to those in a minute.

Apart from diamonds which retain their face value.

- Except the king of diamonds, obviously. - Obviously.

We play in sequence unless you can match a pair

or play a card in ascending or descending order.

If you can, that's a Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!

You stand up, pick up all the cards on the table

and shout "Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!"

The winner is the man with the most tricks after 15 hands.

You'll pick up the rest as we play.

Shall we say a pound a round?

Just one thing, are queens worth 12?

What queens?

Queens in the pack.

"The pack"? Sorry, what's the pack?

He means the deck.

Doc, there are no queens.

We're playing with a French pack.

- Deck, Mike! - French deck. Stand corrected, sir!

Thank you, young man... Hey!

- Right, who's to lead? - And that's you, Doc.

Oh, I'm not really sure how to start.

Well, just put a card on the table.

- Erm... - Come on!

A three?

You can't lead with a three!

This is Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!, not Bamalama Fizz Batch!

Sorry.

Start again.

Mmm.

Very interesting, Mr Bond.

Huit.

Ace in the hole.

Ten.

- What? - Well, come on, Doc.

- What? - That's a Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!

- Is it? Why not? - Well, you can't touch them!

You've gotta say, "Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!"

- Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go! - You have to stand up first.

And say, "Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!"

- Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go! - Right, now name your pairs.

- What? - Name your pairs!

- You didn't say about naming pairs! - You put down a 10!

- So? - You put down a 10, you must have pairs!

Why must I have pairs?

Because that's a Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!

- For God's sake. - Well, you can't look at 'em!

- What, I'm supposed to remember them? - That's the whole point!

Look, jacks are worth 10, kings are with three...

Apart from one-eyed jacks, which are wildcards.

Look!

Why can't we just play something simple?

And why do we only ever play things that you two

know the rules of. It was like this when we were kids.

You used to put bets on fuckin' Buckaroo!

Why can't we just play...

Hangman.

Or something.

- All right, Doc... - Whatever you say, Doc.

- Hangman it is. - Hangman. Sounds good to me.

- Sorry. - It's all right! Hangman.

We playing Canadian rules or Italian?

Hello, Attachments Dating Agency, can I help you?

Uh, no, I'm afraid we don't have an app.

No, we prefer to do things face-to-face.

Unlike our clients who don't do it at all.

Yes, well, if you don't like that, you can swipe left!

Oh, hello, Ian, nice to see you again.

- Please, uh, take a seat. - Thank you.

Just, erm, bring up your file.

Now then...

Caring, considerate, good-looking...

Sorry, is this what you are or what you want?

- It's what I want. - Right.

I was gonna say, good-looking?

Right then, Ian, as you know, my name is Olive.

It's my job to build up a profile of you

and match you to a suitable lady from our extensive files.

I presume you are looking for a lady, because here at Attachments,

our motto is very much, "Gay, straight or bi, give it a try."

- No, I definitely want a girl. - Right.

Okay, question one, are you very kind, kind, fairly kind,

not at all kind to animals?

- Sorry? - Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind,

not at all kind to animals?

I can't really say.

So not at all kind to animals.

- Well, no, I am... - Sorry.

Gotta take your first answer. Are you quiet?

- When? - In general.

- Well, sometimes I'm quiet. - So quiet...

Oh, don't put that.

We need all your bad points as well, you know.

- That's not such a bad point, is it? - Mmm, you say that,

you can't get a girlfriend, can you?

Let me explain a little bit

about how a dating agency works.

95% of the people that walk through those doors are weirdos.

In fact, my boyfriend doesn't like me working here.

It's not that he's jealous, I tell him, "You should see the state of 'em."

No.

He just thinks it's depressing for me.

Did you meet him through an agency?

I should tell him that tonight in bed. He'll laugh. No.

We met at a friend's party, and that's the thing, you see,

you meet people through people.

And that is what a lot of them haven't got, friends.

And ultimately you have to question that, don't you?

Does the agency organise parties? Singles' parties?

Ian, we tried it once. It was a disaster.

The women were like mice,

and I don't mean small, they're all massive through comfort eating.

I mean silent. I went home that night,

I flung me arms round my boyfriend,

I said, "Thank God we've got each other."

Great to be able to do that, isn't it?

I wouldn't know.

Well, listen to me wittering on. Let's get you paired up.

Miracles can happen, you know. So,

on a scale of one to 10, how confident are you? Ten being very confident.

Five?

Two.

Single, married, divorced, widowed, separated?

- Single, obviously. - Single.

Ian, are you looking for a physical side to the relationship?

We have to ask this

because some of our ladies, they're not capable of blowing up a paper bag,

never mind the other.

- Yes. Yes, I am. - Yes, you are? Yes, you aren't?

Ooh, it's like Cracker this, isn't it?

Why did you force her? Why did you force her?

I didn't force her!

I didn't force her.

Right, well, we'll put all this into our system.

If we get a match, we'll be in touch, okay?

- Thank you. - Mmm-hmm.

Olive, do you think that if... If you didn't have a boyfriend,

- one day me and you could... - No.

You're very kind, thank you.

Evening. My name is Mick McNamara.

Some of you may remember me as the former guide at Stumphole Caverns.

The former usher at the Kelly Butler Memorial Theatre.

Welcome to the Royston Vasey Tour of Terror.