The Spy Who Never Dies

It's not working.

- -

Mayday. We have no power.

Please, work. Please.

Who you are?

Are you the captain?

Yes…

I'm here to take your big load.

Okay. Here. Here, please. You no hurt me, please.

Here, please. Take.

Take my big load. Take it.

Please. Please, take it.

Amateurs.

Up, periscope!

- Bradly. - Suzan.

Your gift is still under the tree out the front. Where have you been?

I think you know where I've been, Suzan.

Ah, yes. Italy. How was it?

Well, let's just say somebody spilled their coffee.

Good.

Looks like you've had a great time there, consuming some spaghetti.

I can eat whatever the hell I want on assignments, Suzan.

Besides, I intermittent fast, so…

What's on your mind?

I have given this a lot of thought.

And, well…

- I want out. -

I'm sorry, what was that?

You know what I mean, Suzan. I just…

I don't want to spy anymore.

Okay? There, I said it.

Not that I spy much.

I mean, to be honest, it's an assassin job at best when you think about it.

You know what else, Suzan?

I mean, just, I am sick and tired

of all the running and the killing, the killing and the running.

And don't even get me started with the henchmen. I mean, seriously.

You know what, Suzan?

I mean, I have to kill so many henchmen.

I don't even know these guys. They could be lovely people.

You know what keeps me up at night, Suzan?

I see a child without a father playing catch by themselves.

"Daddy."

What exactly do you mean by "out"?

Don't shit with me, Suzan. You know exactly what I mean.

- Can you please sit down? - Fine.

These henchmen, they're responsible for their own selves.

Whatever!

It's just... just all that stuff.

It's like, it's other… stuff.

Okay.

Tell me what happened.

It all started when I got back from Italy.

I'd just got the stolen plutonium back.

Again.

Everything felt different. Strange.

Like I was slowly sinking deeper and deeper in this pit.

Pit of shit, or something similar.

Like I was going in circles. Killing.

Spying. Assassinating.

And then I got the message.

No, "Hi, how's life?"

Or, "How'd the plutonium mission go?"

Nope.

Just another job.

- I certainly am not. -

Breaking news, a new weapon developed by the Russians

called hypersonic missiles,

all seven of them have been stolen from a secret underwater submarine

allegedly attempting to move the missiles

to a supposed undisclosable location somewhere in Russia.

Something called Operation Gigolo.

Sounds like the Russians are at it again…

- -

- -

Oh shit, someone's fucking shot him!

- -

- - Please! Somebody help!

Fuck that dog!

You took the dog?

Bradly, you know never to take the dog.

I don't even know why that's even a thing.

You know what happened to John!

Wickey? I mean, come on. Wickey just took that way too far.

Guy meets girl, girl dies.

- I know the story. - Guy gets dog, dog gets killed.

Next thing you know, the house is getting blown up.

- Everybody's trying to kill him. - I know the story, Suzan.

It's simple, no pets!

Fine. I'm sorry, okay?

I fucked up.

Please, continue.

- That's when I met her. - Oh, God.

Veronica.

Can someone help me? Help!

Anybody?

Can someone help me?

Just give me one second, Tess, I'll be right there.

Sorry, it's been a really crazy few hours, you know?

Half a dozen dogs were just released in the park by some lunatic,

who did actually die, apparently, so fair enough.

But also, like, you can imagine,

little doggy limbs everywhere, they all got hit by cars.

- Just… - They all got hit by cars?

They all got hit by cars.

- Every single one of them? - Every single one of them.

[distant woman speaking indistinctly, hysterically]

By the way, you have a little bit of chocolate on your face.

Oh, that's just dog shit. Yeah.

Oh.

Does look like it's broken.

I'll need to keep her here for the night. Get some X-rays done.

Just, you know, keep her under observation.

- Is that going to be okay with you? - Yeah, sure.

Okay. Cool. What's her name?

- Pluto. - Pluto. Aww. Hey, Pluto.

So, um, we should have her X-rays back by tomorrow.

I can call you if you like.

Or you can come in. Or I can call you. Actually, I'll call you.

You know, maybe it is best that I just come in.

- Let's do that. - Okay.

Yeah.

- All right. - Okay.

- Bye. - Bye.

God, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I just, um…

- Are you okay? - I am. I'm fine.

Yeah, you seem fine.

Thanks. I mean, apart from all the dog shit, I'm great.

Yeah, I…

- Just be careful on your way out! - Okay.

- Bye. - Bye.

Bye.

What a fucking weirdo.

Oh my God, I know. I was just like, "Blah, blah, blah."

No. Him!

There was something special about her. Her smile. Her eyes. Her lips.

The crazy hair. It was all perfect.

This phase that you're going through…

It's not a phase, Suzan.

Okay, fine. This meltdown that you're having.

It's completely normal.

I'm serious, Suzan. I want out.

I'll tell you what we're going to do.

You are going to go on a really good break.

Seriously?

I am serious, yes!

Take all this positive energy of yours and share it all over Veronica

and get it out of your system for a few days,

and then come back here and we can talk about it.

Have you listened to anything that I just said, Suzan?

You're welcome.

You know what? Fine.

But no calls,

and no messages to take anyone out.

I'm serious, Suzan. If anyone does…

Somebody is gonna get it.

Approved.

- Fine. - Great.

Fine.

- Fine. - Great.

Great. Okay.

Oh, and Bradley?

Just remember, you are a spy.

And you have a lot of enemies.

More enemies than all the other spies put together.

Just… watch your back.

Thanks for your hostility, Suzan. Sorry, I meant hospitality.

Fucking Suzan.

Fucking Brad!

Ow. Shit.

Ow, shit!

Psst!

No.

We have a mission, brother!

Finally, a mission!

Yes!

Okay. Here is plan.

Number one. We finish massage.

We finish massage.

Number two. We celebrate.

We celebrate? I like that.

Number three. Then, we find fast bombs.

Fast bombs. Yeah.