The New Adventures of Old Christine

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

It's a bad time. Can't come in.

Thank you. You are going to be so happy to see us.

We have good news.

My immigration papers came in.

All I have to do to get my citizenship

is pass a little test, and then you can divorce me.

You are going to love being divorced from him.

Oh, you're going to miss

being married to her.

Hey, then, then I can marry New Christine.

Maybe that'll make her happy.

This pregnancy's been rough.

She's mad at me all the time.

I can't do anything right.

It was different with you.

You started out that way.

Oh, oh-- she's coming.

I didn't hear anything.

You never do until it's too late.

Don't look her in the eye and make yourself look big.

Why didn't you tell me we had company?

I... Why do we have company?

Damn you, Richard!

What are you all looking at?

Uh, nothing.

No, you look good.

Like a young Marlon Brando.

What are you laughing at, Richard?

I didn't laugh. She laughed.

Not at you. I was laughing

because Richard's hands were shaking.

That's okay, Barb.

I guess it is kind of funny.

Kind of. Shut it!

I have to marry her.

Not if I get to her first.

Please tell me how soon we can make this happen.

I take the test on Friday.

As soon as I pass it, then it'll take about

two months to finalize the divorce.

Two months? I can't wait two months.

She's just going to be stronger and scarier.

Well, why don't you just have the wedding now

and then you can make it official after the paperwork's been finalized?

Yeah! We can do it this weekend.

We could surprise her.

She loves surprises.

Except the one where I got her pregnant.

Oh, maybe I'll call her dad

and see if he'll come walk her down the aisle.

Um, uh... uh...

Uh, P-Pa-Papa Jeff?

Will you be okay with seeing him?

I know he broke your heart at our first wedding.

No, it would be nice to have him here.

Well, that's big of you. Wait for it.

I can show him how great I look and rub his face in it.

There you go.

What? I'm in a good place right now.

I have a boyfriend. He's a doctor.

Oh, that's going to kill Papa Jeff.

Maybe I'll go to the hair salon

and get my hair and my makeup all done.

Oh-ho-ho, that is really going to kill Papa Jeff.

Hey, maybe

you could take New Christine to the salon with you.

Get her dolled up and out of the house

so Matthew and I can decorate.

What? Why woulyou just assume I'm going to

want to help you decorate?

All right, fine, I'll see if I know someone at the flower mart.

Fine, I do know someone at the flower mart.

I don't understand what we're doing here.

I told you, it's a day of beauty.

You know, the only thing that made me feel better

when I was pregnant with Ritchie was getting pampered.

Uh, that and doing this.

Get up. Get up.

It works.

Um, hi. We have an 11:00.

The name is Christine Campbell.

You're 15 minutes late.

Yeah, well, uh, this one here moves a little slow.

She has to pee every ten minutes,

which makes me have to pee.

Oh, shoot. Wish I hadn't said "pee."

Well, I can probably take you and your daughter

in about an hour if you want to wait.

Hey, I'm not her mother.

Well, you're too young to be her grandmother.

Oh, thank you.

Look, um, this is a really important day.

Um, I fooled around with her father

only to find out that he had a fiancée,

and I'm about to see him again.

So I really am going to need to look fantastic,

because today is the day that I get my revenge.

I have three revenge makeovers ahead of you.

What's taking so long?

Oh, God, she says we have to wait.

Do I look like I can wait?

You listen to me, Hannah Montana,

you are going to take us both right now.

I am eight months pregnant,

going on nine months in a bad mood.

And I am right on the edge, sister.

Right on the edge!

Let me move some things around for you.

You know what? Um, don't take this the wrong way,

but I have never been more turned on by you.

What do you think?

This looks like a wedding, right?

I'm not going to sugarcoat this.

Compared to your last wedding, this one is going to blow.

Hard.

But you know what?

Let's focus on what you do have.

You have each other, bagels...

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

You know what she was most disappointed about?

Her fiancé?

Well, yeah.

That and missing the first dance.

That was going to be a good dance.

Of course it was. You choreographed it.

We spent three hours a day

for nine weeks working on that dance.

Do you remember it?

Of course not. I'm a guy.

You know what? Let me see if I do.

Put one hand on my hip the other, on my back.

Stand up straight. Five, six, seven, eight.

And one-and-two and watch your feet

and shoulders back and eyes on me

and dip.

I saw the silhouette through the window.

I was really hoping it wasn't this.

Oh, I felt it.

Now feel mine.

Ooh, I felt it. Huh?

Well, I guess we're done.

Thanks.

Excuse me? Can you tell somebody

that, uh, I dinged, too?

Does anybody know where Marcie is?

Hello?

I dinged.

Ooh, something smells like fried chicken.

Okay, Ms. Baran, I'm going

to ask you a hundred questions about the United States.

Okay, give, give-- give me a minute.

I'm a little nervous.

Now, what was the question again?

That wasn't a question.

We haven't started the test yet.

Are you okay?

True. No, false.

I'm, I'm sorry.

I'm not a good test-taker.

Well, at home I am.

I watch Jeopardy and I'm like,

"Who is Jane Goodall""

But when the pressure's on, it all just flies out of my head.

Especially when something's important to me.

I think you'll be fine.

You've lived in America for over 20 years.

Most of this stuff is just common sense.

Just take a deep breath.

Now let it go.

Oh.

Thank you. Okay.

Question one.

What are the three branches of government?

I keep thinking "Wynken, Blynken, and Nod."

I know that can't be right.

Oh, so close.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you take the practice book outside

and give it another look?

Come back in whenever you're ready.

I'm not in any hurry to get home.

I hate my wife.

Okay, darling?

Good luck to you.

When did this timer go off?

Oh, uh, I don't know. About a half hour ago.

Why didn't you say something?

Oh, well, I tried to tell someone

because it was really burning.

But then the pain went away when my head went numb.

And then I got sucked into this article.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Do you think that I should take it personally that

when I met Tiger Woods, he was nothing but a perfect gentleman?

Oh.

What?

What "oh"?

Is, is it okay?

Well... let me be honest with you.