The Simpsons

The Simpsons S15E11

" Margical History Tour "

D-ohh!

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I have to research a paper.

Where did all the books go?

Books? Books are for squares.

We're now a multimedia learning center

for children of all ages...

but mostly bums.

bart: Ay, caramba!

Everyvody poops The video

Yu-Gi-Oh! Price Guides

there are hardly any books at all!

No books?

But krabappel wants a paper on henry viii

and I have to score at least a pumpkin sticker

or better on it. Oh, there, there.

I can help you kids.

I know a little something about history.

Gather 'round.

Henry vii had everything he could want,

except a son to follow in his footsteps...

I'm hen-e-ry vii, I am hen-e-ry vii, I am, I am

I've been eating since 6:00 A.M.

For dessert I'll have dinner again

my name's synonymous with gluttony

I'll always eat a turkey or a ham...

stop singing that song! We all know who you are.

Her majesty, margarine of aragon!

What are you doing out of bed?

I just planted my seed in your womanly dirt.

Your majesty, I know you want a son,

but must we discuss my womb in front of the entire court?

as royal physician, it is my learned opinion

that her womb is filled

with sea serpents. Hmm...

must sire a dude...

must sire a dude...

father dearest, I am the son you crave!

I'm smart, athletic and ever so masculine.

Could a girl belch like this?

oh, my beautiful boy!

Why can't I have you? I don't know.

Too much jerkin' your merkin?

Why you little...!

Get out of my dreams and into my wife!

I could have married the king of france.

He wasn't so preoccupied with procreation.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling. Know what I mean?

Oh, look at me-- I eat and eat and eat

and I never get any thinner! Well, there's more

of you to worship, oh, sire.

Who would dare to flatter a king?

Anne boleyn-- loyal subject,

big fan.

Modern wench magazine dubbed me

"anne of the child-bearing hips."

Yes... wide hips indeed.

My son could cartwheel out! Yoink!

Where are you taking me? Marriage counseling!

Ohh...

mmm...

we came here to talk about our problems.

Fine.

I want to marry anne boleyn,

but I can't chop my wife's head off

because her father is king of spain.

Your majesty, your feelings are valid,

but I'm afraid marriage takes a lot of hard work.

and who needs that?

I say trade in that lemon and get biz-zay.

Whoo-hoo! Divorce?!

Sire, there's no such thing

in the cath-diddly-atholic church.

But it's the only church we've got,

so what are you gonna do? I'll start my own church.

Wha...? Yes, my own church.

Where divorce will be so easy,

more than half of marriages will end in it.

Your majesty, I work for the pope.

And I think a celibate italian weirdo

knows a lot more about marriage than you.

Hmm, I understand.

And because you stuck to your principles,

I'm going to canonize you.

I can see my house...

sweetie, sometimes

a daddy and a mommy decide to live apart.

It's not your fault. It's just that you

came out the wrong sex and ruined everything.

So grow a penis or get lost.

I can' T.

Well, why can't your heir be female?

Or-or why can't we elect our leaders?

I wonder if I could canonize a child.

Leaving!

Hey, I invented divorce.

How did you get half of everything?

You should have invented the pre-nup.

And now, half of your kingdom, please.

I get ireland?!

minister: And by the power vested in me

by you just now,

I pronounce you king and trophy queen.

In the name of the henry, the hank

and the holy harry. Amen.

Henry.

Okay, now let's put a son in the oven!

Anne: Oh, henry!

Henry, sorry I bore you a daughter.

Oh... stop, anne. I'll love her as much

as I love you.

your head lives for five seconds

afterwards,

so I left a magazine in the basket.

Oh, my horoscope!

"Today will bring welcome new changes into your life."

Wrong!

Sir scratchy, I accuse you

of conducting a catholic mass!

Lord itchy, I accuse you

of not signing the act of succession!

oh... if only I had a son to enjoy this with.

Hey, baby. How would you like to be queen for a day?

it's funny

'cause you're king.

Do you, jane seymour, take this king to be

your lawfully wedded husband till your first

little spat? Oh, I do!

I double do! Henry is the ginchiest!

The lord is my shep...

I told you I was a dude.

You didn't dump me, I dumped you!

Ugh! Why on earth did I marry you?

My track record! I've had ten sons.

Now take a ride on the king-maker!

Ooh!

Swing and a miss!

Oh, come on!

I'm 95! You could use

a butter knife, for god's sake!

Well, don't just stand there, bury me!

Sire, I know what you usually do

to the bearer of bad news, but, um...

well, we're running out of pikes to stick your wives' heads onto.

I'll show you running out of pikes!

Hey, what do you know? You were right.

That means a lot.

Henry: My whole life

I was looking for that one woman

whose execution could bring me happiness.

Now I realize

I was just beheading myself for divorcing you.

And locking me in a dungeon.

listen to us.

We still finish each other's sentences.

Margarine, won't you take back

an old head-chopping fool?

Of course, your majesty.

Let me just fluff your pillow for you.

see ya in hell, fat man!

Finally, henry's daughter, elizabeth, became queen.

England's power was never greater,

and british actresses always had a role to play

when they got to a certain age.

That was awesome, mrs. S.

Check-plus-plus, here I come!

wow, the library really is a great resource!

And I just came in here to trip nerds for nothin'.

Ha-ha!

mom, I can't find anything on sacagawea.

Just a couple of books on ron santo.

No problem! In elementary school,

we girls learned about sacagawea

while the boys were learning math.

Okay.

All right! Toilet paper.

In 1804, president jefferson sent lewis and clark,

and some embedded journalists, to find the northwest passage.

They paddled up the mississippi from st. Louis.

When winter came, lewis and clark tried

to set up camp but encountered much hardship.

come spring, they sought help from native americans.

Long have we awaited the coming of the white man...

and carl. Thanks, and welcome

to the united states of america. Have a flag.

And while you're at it,

cover your nakedness and worship our lord.

Yeah, yeah, I'll get right on it.

Now, in order to aid your journey across the land,

I offer you the guidance of my daughter,

sacagawea.

In our language, her name means

"little know-it-all who won't shut her maize hole."

I will be happy to help the americans.

Of course, I will be sad to leave my husband,

the french fur trader, charbonneau.