Black Monday

Previously on Black Monday...

I told you. I got you.

It's gonna be pretty hard for me

to push through your precious bank bailout

if I'm not a congressman.

Hey, Mo!

Dawn, there is so much I wanna learn about you.

Double date!

This has nothing to do with Dawn.

Why is she meeting with the AASF?

Are those Skants?

Skirt on the outside, pants on the underside.

I have pallets and pallets.

They're all that's left of my family business.

You know business isn't just for the guys anymore.

My family has always been close.

I credit our long walks to church every Sunday

since I was a girl.

But walking that far in a skirt

had my thighs chafing like two blocks of parmesan.

Am I right?

And so one day, during a rebellious phase,

I wore pants.

I know. I know.

But it felt great.

Of course, not in my soul. In my soul, I felt great shame.

But out of that shame came what I call an e-Tiffany.

Combining conservative comfort with sinless style.

They're practical and patriarchal.

Fundamentalist, yet fun for your fundament.

Ooh!

They're Skants by Pfaffashions.

Half pants, half skirt, double discretion.

Finally, you can be an independent modern woman

and no one will ever have to know!

But don't just take my word for it.

There she is!

Now, when my father, Pastor Newell Swafford,

our shepherd in the sky...

Praise be.

...got a look at me in these Skants,

he quoth the Lord:

"She is clothed in strength and dignity,"

Proverbs 31:25.

Amen!

And now you can be too.

- Ye phone lines are open! - Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Call and order. We're ready for ya.

Get 'em stonewashed in holy water.

Or acid-washed in what Hollyweird calls acid rain,

but is really just the good Lord's tears.

And I'll tell ya, Corkie, they cut quite a silhouette.

Forgive me, Father, for I have thinned!

Now do we have any moms out there?

Good. Yay!

So from praying to oven scrubbing

to submitting to your husband,

we've got your kneeling needs covered.

'Cause Skants are made by moms for moms.

Can I get a mom-men?

Mom-men!

I can't hear you!

Can I get a mom-men?

Mom-men!

Hey Tiff, we got a question.

Hi, Mrs. Pfaff! I love these Skants.

Speak your truth.

But were you able to wear them when you were with child?

Yes, abs... absolutely, I was.

And you know what? Mazel tov to you with this!

I mean, not mazel tov. Halla-lu-yur.

How many children do you have?

Well, you know what?

We can never have enough, am I right?

And if you act now,

we'll even throw in a belt... Bible or chastity.

Does that mean you only have four or five?

What?

So she said, "Does that mean

you only have four or five children?"

Um, you know what?

I believe we're all God's children.

"Teach them well and how to fish,

and they will learn how to kill fish forever,"

Adverbs 36:24:36.

- I don't recognize that verse. - It's a new one.

I mean, you just said that Skants were made

for moms by moms...

Yes, they... they are made by moms in Bangladesh

or Honduras or wherever.

You know, I don't fucking know.

I wish you hadn't used that language.

I don't have any kids, Corkie.

I'm still on birth control.

Okay.

Corkie, no. Corkie, no!

- Please! - Corkie, please.

- Gimme another chance, Corkie. - I'm so sorry.

Nope, nope, nope. We've gotta get this down now.

Let me sing it! Corkie!

Oh, finally got you on that date.

- Yup. - Reminds me of old times.

Still don't know why you came back, Momo,

but I am glad you did.

I still have a lot of love for you.

Oh. I love...

Which is why it's so important for me that...

you like Marcus.

You're my best friend, Momo.

and-and he's a really good guy.

Yeah, well, I'm not gonna like Marcus.

And I don't want you to like Dede, like, at all.

Wait, but she's our client.

Yeah, so is Marcus.

But what does that have to even... oh!

- Hey - Hello.

Sorry I'm late. Had to vote.

Every vote counts.

So true!

- Why is that funny? - Oh, the electoral college.

Gerrymandering. Gerrymandering.

How white people be fucking over black people..

- Everything. - When they try to vote.

- Got it. - Yeah.

But I do like Bush, so tic that box on the reg.

Check!

I am so glad we can make this happen.

- Well, you were so insistent. - Yes.

So we can get to know each other better, right, Dawn?

- Yes, yes. - So tell me everything, girl.

Okay, why don't we, uh, order, you know?

Let me get the waiter over here.

Well, no, no.

That-that's the beauty of this place.

Omakase.

No decisions.

You just roll with it.

These next three hours are gonna blow your mind.

- Three hours? - Wow.

That sounds like a threat.

So Dawn,

Mo told me that you two were together on Black Monday.

- Yes - What was that like?

Uh, you wanna know the real?

- I wanna know. - Well, I...

- Okay... - I don't vote.

I can't. I'm a felon.

Oh, wow. Sorry to hear that.

A lot of brothers in that same boat.

- What happened? - Oh, my God.

- That's such a long story. - Mm-hmm.

So Dawn, back to Black Monday...

The year was 1968.

Hair was long... under women's arms,

and a Broadway hit.

I was just a young idealist

who was tired of Uncle Sam and Uncle Toms.

- Yes. - Yeah.

So I joined the Black Panthers.

- Really? - Really?

Really?

Really.

Wow!

This place turned out...

Perfect!

I can't believe this used to be

your parent's stuffy shithole!

I know!

And it's gonna be photographed tomorrow

for a big spread in Penthouses Magazine.

We're gonna be the Penthouses Pad of the Month!

- Rad! - Right?

Oh, this place is great!

Oh, I'm so glad you like it.

I mean, it could do with just one tiny addition.

What? We just finished renovating.

What could we possibly need?

A nursery?

Unless you mean for plants,

the answer is,

"Fuck no. Are you crazy?"

And that kind of works for plants.

Blair, I want a baby.

The next words out of your mouth

better be "grand piano," "bird,"

or 'I Love Your Way' cassingle."

I'll do all the work of hiring all the people

to do all the work.

You will not need to do a thing except...

And I've even taken the liberty of setting up bathroom four

with some lotion and the new Richard Gere GQ.

- Mmm! - Hmm.

No, Tiff, we're not raising a baby together.

I know firsthand how a bad parent can fuck up a good kid.

- No, no, no, no. - Blair!

Ah!

You don't get to say no to me!

Okay, you have hijacked my name and my life

and my identity.

I was Tiff Georgina,