The New Adventures of Old Christine

Hey, Matthew. Thanks for coming and watching Ritchie for me.

Whoa, look at you.

You're all dressed up. Do you have a school thing?

No. Are you kidding me? I would never look this nice for school.

Last week, I went to a PTA meeting

in a poncho and a pair of bike shorts.

Yeah, uh, by the way, a blanket with arms is not a poncho.

Eh, nobody cared.

Yeah. The social worker cared.

Lipstick? Fake eyelashes?

You're not a prostitute, are you?

Because if you are, I owe Mom 20 bucks.

No. I've actually made a very important decision.

I am going to tell Dr. Kershaw

that I love him.

You're going to tell your therapist that you love him?

Well, he's not going to be my therapist for long.

Soon, he is going to be my lover.

Please don't use that word.

I have asked you so many times.

I mean, it's a real pet peeve of mine.

Look, I know that Max and I agreed

to keep our relationship professional, but I can't.

You know? I love him, and I can't shake it.

Well, then, why don't you just let me help you shake it?

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Come on! He is my colleague.

He is your doctor. You're inappropriate.

Oh, well, I don't care what you think, Matthew,

because I know that Dr. Kershaw loves me.

Oh, your therapist doesn't love you.

Yes, he does! You don't see the way he stares at me.

The way he hangs on my every word.

Because you're paying him to do that.

Well, I'm not paying him, okay?

My "insurance" is taking care of that.

Christine, this isn't love.

You're just experiencing transference.

It's very common in analysis.

What would you know about it?

I'm a therapist.

You're-- listen.

You're just putting these feelings onto Max to make up

for things you didn't get in your childhood.

The same thing happened to me when I was treating Lucy.

You saw how that ended up.

I mean, it was a complete disaster.

I wonder how she is. Do you think I should call her?

No. Of course not. You guys broke up.

That would be inappropriate.

Are my boobs even?

For your age.

Look, I know your feelings for Max feel real to you,

but they're not, okay? Would you just do me one favor?

Wait two weeks, and if you still feel the same way towards him,

you know, come back to me, and I'll shake you again.

All right, I'll wait two weeks.

But only because I couldn't get a waxing appointment

until then, anyway.

So, actually, the timing will be perfect.

And then, I can make Max my lover.

I'm calling that social worker.

Okay. Last time we met, you were talking

about how angry you were at your son for growing up.

Should we continue with that?

I love you.

All right.

You think you love me. Let's talk about that.

No, no. I don't think I love you.

I really do love you.

No, you don't.

I simply represent all the people

that you couldn't get to love you. Your father,

your mother, your orthodontist,

all those guys in middle school,

all those guys in high school,

Tony Danza... Okay!

Okay. I get it. Couldn't get love.

But, look. This is different, okay?

I know what I'm feeling is real.

I feel it here. I feel it here.

A lile bit here.

Please don't do that.

Uh, okay, let's say,

for the sake of argument, that you do love me.

Okay, look, I know that we said that we wouldn't do this.

But I have been feeling this

since the first day that I met you.

And let's be honest,

I don't think my mental health has improved a lick.

So, I mean, what have we got to lose?

You can't love me, Christine, because you don't know me.

You know nothing about me.

I do. I know lotse, Christine, because of stuff about you.

I know you're uncomfortable when people swear.

I don't mind swearing.

You know, if you'd use a noun and a verb on occasion,

that would be a nice change of pace.

I know the pediatrician next door would appreciate it.

Okay, well, I know lots of other things, too.

I know that you are super anal

about all the stuff in your office.

Anal? That's absolutely not true.

Oh, really? Uh-huh.

What I'm finding interesting about this

is that you're trying to divert attention onto me

when we should be talking about you.

Very interesting

Okay, don't.

Please.

Christine.

I mean it.

Okay.

Utter chaos!

Sorry, sorry. Sorry.

I apologize for that.

Let me just, uh,

get my things back in order,

and we can continue.

You see? You see? I do know you.

And what I know, I love.

I love you, Dr. Kershaw.

What do you have to say about that?

Christine...

Oh, God.

I don't love you.

I'm sorry.

You're a patient. That's all.

You're not even my favorite patient.

And I definitely, most certainly,

don't love you.

Well, are you sure?

Positive.

Oh...

Oh. Oh, uh...

I, uh, I got to get out of here.

I've never been so humiliated. Don't look at me.

You don't have to be humiliated.

Let's talk about it.

No, I don't want to talk about this, okay?

Don't look at me.

Come on. We can work this out.

It's an important part of therapy.

Therapy? Are you kidding me?

No. Therapy is over.

Christine, come back.

Yes? Yes?

You forgot your purse.

Keep it.

No, well, just throw it to me.

Don't look at me!

Ow!

And left corner to right.

Shake it out.

And meet in the middle.

See? Isn't it fun doing our laundry together?

Yeah, this is exactly what I was hoping for

when we got our bachelor pad.

Hi. I'm sorry to bother you,

but I think you might have been in the laundry room before me.

You left this in the dryer.

Oh, my monkey face T-shirt.

I would have been lost without that. Thank you.

I knew it was yours 'cause I saw you wearing it by the pool.

I said, "Hi," but you didn't say anything.

Well, of course not. I don't know you.

Well, that certainly clears it up.

I guess I'll see you around.

Okeydokey. Thanks again.

Matthew,

what's wrong with you?

That girl was hot. And she was flirting with you.

No, she wasn't flirting with me. Where'd you get "flirting"?

How did you not get "flirting"?

She licked her lips, she batted her eyes,

she touched her hair when she talked.

Why do I even have a subscription to Men's Health

if you're not going to use it?

Well, what was I supposed to do?

Just take her right here on top of the laundry pile?

Sure.

The signals could not have been clearer.

You could have totally taken her as your lover.

I've asked you not to say that.

You know, I'm a little worried about you.

You haven't even been out on a date

since you and Lucy broke up.

You've got to get back out there.

I don't like it back out there.

I got hurt back outhere.

No. You can't take time off.

Use it or lose it. You get one shot in life, Matthew.

Let me tell you a story.

Oh, my God.

If this is another story about how you missed your chance

with Adrienne Barbeau, I'm moving out.

It was Adrienne Barbeau, and I blew it!

Okay?

I have to live with that every day.

Oh...