Wonderfalls

- Niagara Falls, one of the seven natural wonders.

America's vacationland and honeymoon capital of the Greater Buffalo region.

- So what about the legend? - I'm getting to that.

- I wanna hear about the Maid of the Mist. - Are you gonna let me talk?

Okay. So there was this god who lived in the waterfall.

- Indians were all afraid of him because he kept killing people.

They were like, "Hey, how do we get this guy to stop killing everybody?"

And someone said, "Let's give him presents. "

So they gave him all this stuff, and he was still mad, so they figured...

well, if he likes killing people so much, why don't they just kill some people for him?

So the chief volunteers his daughter 'cause he thinks that's honorable or something.

And they tossed Princess in a boat and sent her down the river.

Native Americans never practiced human sacrifice.

Don't interrupt me again. The chief does the whole, "Oh, my God. What have I done?"

and paddles his canoe out to save her, but Princess wasn't having any of that.

She's all, "No, no. I surrender to destiny. "

Famous last words. Seriously. They put it on bathrobes and stuff.

- Anyway, so Princess takes the plunge.

- No! - But it's all good, 'cause the god thought...

the daughter was hot, so he spared her life.

He promised if she stayed with him in the cave, he'd forgive her people...

- and protect and enchant their land until the end of time.

So she agreed to live with the god in the waterfall and became Maid of the Mist.

And thanks to Princess, Niagara has remained...

an enchanted wonderland, despite hundreds of years of commercial development.

- What happened to the chief? - He died.

- Why'd the princess live? - 'Cause she was hot.

- You gonna buy the tape? - No.

Then get out. No loitering.

Inspired the passions and imaginations of so many at Niagara Falls...

whose sublime beauty and awesome power have made it a magnet for statesmen and stuntmen.

Peggy said the votive candle canoes need to be restocked.

- I'm with a customer. - So am I.

- Mornin', Jaye. - Morning.

- Have a good one. - Yep. All right.

Jaye? Oh, my God! Is that you?

Gretchen.

Hi! Last time I saw you was at graduation.

- How random is this? - Pretty random.

- What are you doing here? - Funeral.

Oh, my God! So much has changed since high school. Check it out.

I sacked such a good one. He loves that I grew up in Niagara...

so I'm picking up a few souvenirs.

I guess I should call them tchotchkes now that I'm Jewish.

- Converted for love. - You don't really believe in it?

Stop. So how about you?

Did you end up "overeducated and unemployable," like you said in the yearbook?

Yep. Went to Brown. Got a philosophy degree. Now I work here.

Really? Your parents must have plots.

- They're happy if I'm happy. - Are you happy?

Why don't I ring those up for you?

But you are the manager, right?

I just wanna start out by saying that this was one...

of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make in my entire life...

but I have to go with an assistant manager who's more...

of a people person and can deal...

with the day-in, day-out trials and tribulations...

on the managerial paths for retail management.

Right now, it really feels like Alec.

What's good for business is good for all of us.

No one here is a loser.

Welcome to Wonderfalls. Thank you for shopping at Wonderfalls, ma'am.

- Welcome to Wonderfalls. Would you like an escort? - Oh, yes.

This way.

Sorry. That's my quart-

It's okay. You can keep it.

Ow!

You didn't give me my discount, and this lion is defective.

- What? - The face. It's all funky.

Vending machine's not ours. If you have a complaint, there's a number on the side.

- What about my discount? - What about it?

I'm a guest at the Hillcrest. We're supposed to get 10% off local merchants...

one of which is you.

That discount has to be presented at the time of purchase.

- My ass. I'm presentin' it now. - Did you just say "my ass"?

- I'm sorry, ma'am. Is there a problem here? - Yeah. I want my discount.

- She didn't present- - May I see your receipt, please?

Your discount comes to $3.86.

Take it out of the till.

I apologize for the confusion. Enjoy your stay.

You can just give me four ones.

Word of advice.: Don't give her money back.

Don't.

Thank you.

Hey! That guy just stole my purse!

Get back here, you son of a bitch! I'm gonna kick your ass!

That's right! I just called your mama a bitch! You'd better run!

- Told ya. - Your mother's on the phone.

She wants to speak to you. We're allowed two minutes for personal calls.

Hello, Mother.

Sweetheart?

- Sweetheart? - Everyone's here.

Untie the door and let us in.

- What's she doing back there? - Maybe she's taking a dump.

- Must you be such a sow? - The mouth-breather at the store...

said she went pale, twitched a couple of times and passed out.

- That doesn't sound good. - He called it a "'sode"- short for "episode."

I'm fine. You can go home now.

Sweetheart, you're not fine. You had a 'sode.

Just low blood sugar. Ate a Snickers. Thanks for coming.

If this is an intervention, shouldn't we be intervening?

Who said anything about an intervention?

It's not so much an intervention as it is a collective expression of concern.

- You said intervention. - Well, it got you here, didn't it?

You both came out of me. I don't understand why you have to be so snarky.

Stolen babysitting money. Stolen makeup. Stolen car.

- Did anybody examine her? - A very handsome paramedic...

said he couldn't find anything physically wrong.

- Didn't you think he was handsome? - Please stop asking me that.

A paramedic is not qualified to tell you nothing is wrong.

It's not physical. It's emotional. She lives in a trailer park.

Clearly, she's disturbed- I mean, clearly.

She's not disturbed; she's depressed. And they have pills for that now.

- Can't you prescribe something? - You don't just start popping pills...

because you feel a little down.

I mean, there are other ways to deal with depression.

Sweetheart, when's the last time you had an orgasm?

That sound you hear is stunned silence.

There's nothing to be ashamed of. Millions of people have orgasms every day.

Not ashamed. Mortified.

Maybe she should talk to Dr. Ron.

I really don't want her talking to my therapist. She'll give him ideas.

Don't need therapy. All better now.

- I think we should put her down. - Sharon.

It is just like goin' to sleep.

We're not gonna put you down, sweetheart.

We just want to understand what happened to you.

- Tell me about your family. - I really don't wanna gossip.

Would you say your family life is stressful?

Not that I'm aware of. Does my mother say it's stressful?

- We're not talking about your mother. - Not yet.

Do you feel pressured to live up to your mother's expectations?

I thought we weren't talking about my mother.

We're not. We're talking about you.

I'm confused.

- That's perfectly normal. - Perfectly normal.

I understand there's some animosity between you and your sister.

- Care to elaborate? - She hates me.

- "Hate" is a strong word. - Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?

How does that make you feel?

One less person to worry about.

When's the last time you told your sister you loved her?

I don't know how you did things in your family, but we weren't raised that way.

I love you.

- Why'd you steal that monkey? - It told me to.

Is it gonna tell me to steal something?

I'd be so happy if it did. You have no idea.

I ran into Gretchen Speck today. Her hair looked like carpet.

I always hated her. Remember when she wiped her ass with Margaret Wayne's gym towel?

- Oh, yeah. That was really mean. - Yeah.

Mm. I fainted today.

- What? - Word on the street is it's stress.

- You don't have stress. - I have lots of stress. I work retail.

And by the way, the mouth-breather is now my boss.

Should've seen my mother when she found out.

Looked like she'd just dried her face with Margaret Wayne's gym towel.

I think I actually enjoyed telling her.

- Of course you did. You're spiteful. - Nuh-uh.

Uh-huh. You're spiteful in a way the definition of "spiteful" doesn't quite prepare you for.

Uh-huh. You're spiteful in a way the definition of "spiteful" doesn't quite prepare you for.

- Oh- - Don't drop your jaw at me.

Disappointing your family is an extreme sport for you.

Just look at them. They all work really hard every day, and they're dissatisfied.

I mean, I can be dissatisfied without hardly working at all.

Mm. And now you're hardly working for a mouth-breather who's still in high school.

And I say that without judgment.

I so want to storm out on you right now, but if I stand up, I'll fall.

Okay. I gotta get back to work.

- I need those kamikazes. - I just gave them to you.

Yeah. We drank those. Need four more. He's new.

Your ass is ringing.

My ass rings a lot.

You ever think about setting it on "vibrate"?

I'm not sure I'm secure enough with my manhood to do that.

Here. It's on the house.

Right on.

So why do you have an ass if you don't answer it?

Oh, well, I used to answer it. I just haven't answered it since I got married...

and that was, like, six days ago.

Yeah. Her name's Heidi. She's obsessed with bed linens.

She was my college sweetheart.

- The honeymoon suite. - Married in New Jersey. Honeymoon in Niagara.

It was like a fairy tale. Till I caught her with the bellman in our room.

- Sweet. - Honey?

I guess the sheets had an 800 thread count and she couldn't control herself.

I walked out of that honeymoon suite into this bar...

and cried for three days until someone gave me a job.

Don't you have work in New Jersey?

I'm pretty sure they're gonna fire me when I don't show up.

That's awesome.

You know, I've been thinking.

I'm almost numb enough to start something on the rebound. What do you say?

Sweet of you to offer, but I may be clinically insane.

You might wanna hold out for someone a little more stable.

I don't think that'd be as interesting.

...victim of circumstance, messenger of fate.

- Good morning. - Hey.

- How 'bout this weather, huh? - Oh, yeah.

- Great. - Ask him about the ring.

Oh, God.