The Three Stooges Meet Hercules

Ever since the beginning of time,

each generation has produced extraordinary characters

of vast strength and courage.

Leif Erikson,

who led his hardy Norsemen to the new world,

centuries before Columbus.

Joan of Arc who lived,

fought and died,

for her beloved France.

King Arthur,

who inspired all men with his goodness,

tolerance and humility.

George Washington,

who fathered a country,

and became the servant of it's people.

And yet,

of all the world's heroes,

not one ever matched the superb strength of

that champion of truth

and justice,

the mighty Hercules.

Who it may surprise you,

would not be occupying his vaunted place in history,

had he not been influenced,

by three strange individuals.

Larry,

Moe,

and Curly Joe.

Whose unique story, up to now,

has been buried in the dust and rubble of centuries.

And will be chronicled for the first time,

in this document.

Our story of Hercules properly begins in Ithaca.

But not this one.

This one.

In the state of New York.

Hey, Mop-head. What are you doing?

I'm making a pepper-upper for people who are pooped.

I'm gonna make a million dollars and quit working for that grouse Dimsal.

-Brakason. -Brakason.

-Brakamotis. -Brakamotis.

-Zanacana. -Zanacana.

Oh!

Moe. Moe, you alright?

Say you're alright Moe.

Please say it Moe.

I'm alright.

What are you trying to do?

I'm making a super tranquilizer.

To calm people down after they've taken Larry's pepper-upper.

Oh, a super tranquilizer.

Yes.

Is it good for headaches? Oh, yes.

Here's a super head-ache.

Earthquake! Earthquake!

No, no, no. It's only Schuyler next door.

Yeah, fooling around with his invention again.

I'd better get over there before he wrecks the whole store.

Inventors!

We'll clean up while you're gone.

I don't know.

Maybe it's my ears ringing.

Well, hello, Moe.

Hi, Schuyler.

Everything under control now?

Oh yes, I hope my little explosions didn't upset you.

They don't upset me, but what they're doing to Dimsal's drug store is something else again.

I won't have any more trouble, if I can just shorten the wavelength.

Here, why don't you snip a piece off the end?

No. No thanks.

Moe, look.

I'm sure. I've got it this time, I'm sure.

You're sure?

Any day now my space time conveyor will be ready.

Imagine, going back into time.

To the crusades.

Maybe, maybe even to the time when they built the pyramids.

The pyramids, huh?

Well, Moe, I don't blame you for being skeptical.

But now think about this for a minute.

You see, Einstein's theory states that time is not constant.

It's flexible.

-Flexible? -Uh, huh.

Well, it's quite simple really, you see.

There's no longer any distinction between three dimensional time and space.

And I'm merely working on the theory that they're fused, see?

In a four dimensional space-time continuum.

Continminum? Ha, ha.

How about a cup of coffee?

Alright.

Does Dimsal know that...

You boys are letting me eat on credit?

Well, what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

Come on, Diane will be along any minute.

-Come on, come on Schuyler. -OK.

There's too much bokamotis!

You and your pepper-upper!

Try to turn it off.

I'll turn it off, right there.

Cut it out, would ya. Cut it out.

How do you stop it?

What's going on here?

Shut that thing off!

Get rid of it!

What's the matter with you?

Hey, you!

Banana split.

-Yeah, I'm sorry Moe. -That's alright kid.

Why, you!

-Oh, Larry. -What?

Come on. What's the matter with you?

My calm-down pills.

Did you see that? It works!

My calm-down pills!

I've got it made. I'm a success!

You were never a success in anything but stupidity.

Now get a mop and a broom and clean this up!

And you help him porcupine. If the boss sees this he'll kill both of you!

And if he don't, I will! Come on.

Thanks for the lift Mr. Dimsal.

Oh honey, call me Ralph.

-Thank you Ralph. -Well, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. What am I, poison or something?

I'd rather not discuss it.

Please.

I know.

It's that Schuyler character.

That crackpot inventor.

He's not a crackpot. He's a fine...

What in the Blazes?!

Davis, I warned you what would happen if that cockeyed invention of yours damaged

any of my merchandise.

Now you're going to pay for this! Every bit of it! Do you understand?

It was our fault.

-Yeah, the machine went haywire. -Shut up!

I said he did it and he's gonna clean it up! Now get going! After you're finished,

clean up this soda fountain! You, come on, get going! Get out of here!

Get in the stockroom! Get some more China!

But Mr. Dimsal, I...

You wanna make something of it Davis?

Put up your dukes.

Is it true that you didn't have anything to do with this?

Aw, it doesn't matter.

It does matter!

Unless you're a jellyfish.

Why fight over nothing?

And besides, I'd just get the boys in trouble.

That's not the reason and you know it.

Schuyler, why don't you stand up to him?

I just didn't think it was important, that's all.

That's the trouble with you, nothing's important.

Not even me.

All you care about is that silly invention.

It's not a silly invention, and I've almost got it.

It's almost ready to go, honest.

Just two more days and I'll have it.

-Two more days. -That's what you said six months ago.

This time I mean it, honest. I've got it, just two more days.

Alright. Two more days.

Then you, then you either give up that stupid machine and get a regular job,

or you can forget about me.

For good!

I heard what she said. You better get going. We'll clean the place up.

Oh, but, but Dimsal...

Go on, go on, go on, go on.

Gee, thanks guys. I do have to pick up a deflection attenuator.

I know, we can't do without one of those.

Oh you have something left.

Well, fancy that.

Come on here. What's the matter with you?

Here, have another cup.

Go on, get busy outside. Go on!

Schuyler?

Schuyler?

He's not back yet.

How can he work in all this mess?

Utter confusion.

So, we'll clean it up.

Empty the wastebasket. Pick up the stuff. Cob the cobwebs. Spread out!

Get moving here.

Hey, a leak to starboard.

Come on.

Making more mess than anything else.

Oh Davis, you left your book...

So.

That's why you boys took off so early.

Oh, well, we, we thought we'd clean up his room, so to give him more time to put on his invention.

He's only got two days left to finish it.

Two days?

Well, he's never going to make it if he goes according to these plans he left in the store.

You made he's got problems?

Problems?

Ha, ha. There, he's got his...

Anodes where his cathodes aught to be, and his...

Cathodes where his anodes ought to be.

Oh, so he has.

Oh, and look, this capillary magnetron.

I always told you boys that Davis was a phony, now this proves it.

As a graduate engineer, I can tell you that it would be tough for him

and three good men to get this thing working in two days.