The Return of the Living Dead

Hey, Frank! Let's wrap it up and go home.

What do you say?

Well, I got another hour's work to do.

The kid's gonna stick with me, and then I'll show him the ropes.

Okay. You lock up for me before you go?

4th of July weekend, buddy boy. Got to move.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, you have a nice 4th,

and I'll see you Sunday at the barbecue.

You'd better believe it. I'll be there with bells on.

Kid, I wanna tell you something, and I mean this sincerely.

No matter what happens, don't name it after me.

Take it easy, Frank.

That Burt's a joker.

Ok, Freddy, follow me and learn something.

Okay.

We got an order here from the St. Louis University Medical School.

They want two adult female skeletons with perfect teeth.

That's a 2-AF-PT.

Ok? So you come over here to the “A” section.

- That's “A” for adult, see? - Okay.

Then that's divided up into two sections.

That's divided into the “M” for male and the “F” for...

- Female. - Good boy.

Now the “PT."

Suppose you think that's "pretty tough”, but no, that's...

- Perfect teeth. - Very good.

Now you get some excelsior over there and lay it in that crate.

Make a nice little beddy-bye for this little lady.

Okay.

Good work. We want her to be comfortable.

Now help me get her in. Grab her legs.

Okay.

Now you get some of that styrofoam popcorn,

spread it all around.

Don't be stingy. Uncle Burt's paying for this.

More, Freddy, more. 0k, that's fine.

Now spread it around. That's right.

- You're doing very nice work. - Thanks.

You're gonna be fine in the warehouse business.

Where do we get all these skeletons from?

- Oh, they come from India. - India?

International treaty. All skeletons come from India.

No kidding. How come?

How the hell do I know “how come"?

The important question is,

where do they get all the skeletons with perfect teeth?

I'm going to ask you a serious question.

How many people you know die

with a beautiful, perfect set of choppers in their puss, huh?

Nobody I can think of.

No. I think that there's a skeleton farm over in India.

Jesus!

Come on, kid. Follow your uncle here.

Here we go.

I don't have to tell you what these are for.

Ba ba ba boom!

Here we've got the prosthetic devices, all around here.

Look under there. Wheelchairs.

Right. These are great.

Here's something you don't see very often.

You're a privileged person.

These are split dogs. Yep, for veterinarian schools.

Oh, we get a lot of orders for split dogs.

- That's really rad. - Yeah.

Don't fool around, you're learning.

Over here, Freddy, is where we keep the fresh cadavers.

We sell these to medical schools

and to the U.S. Army for ballistic tests.

Well, say hello.

We usually got more inventory than this,

but, ah, we're expecting a shipment on Monday.

H-how many bodies are in here usually?

Well, you know, you don't want to be overstocked.

Kind of like the restaurant business,

you don't want your inventory to lose its freshness.

Tell you what I'll do, kid.

Teach you how to fill out these shipping forms.

Look alive.

- We gonna party tonight or what? - Yeah, we are gonna party.

Well, where? Where we gonna party?

- I don't know. Somewhere. - Hey, we could go to the park.

Oh, no, we can't. The cops will shoot us if we go back to the park.

And I ain't in no mood to die tonight.

I like death.

I like death with sex. How 'bout you, Casey?

- You like sex with death? - Yeah, so fuck off and die.

So, when we gonna party tonight, Tina?

Oh you guys, that'd be really rad,

but I'm supposed to meet Freddy when he gets off work.

Yeah, where you supposed to meet him?

At this medical supply warehouse where he's working.

Oh, no, he got a job? What a dick.

Shit, why didn't you say so?

Why don't we all go pick Freddy up?

Freddy always knows where there's a place to party.

Frank?

Yeah, kid?

What's the weirdest thing you ever saw in here?

Oh, kid,

I have seen weird things come,

and I have seen weird things go.

But the weirdest thing I ever saw

just had to cap it all.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Let me ask you a question, kid.

Did you see that movie, Night of the Living Dead?

Yeah, yeah, that's the one where the corpses

start eating the people, right?

Sure. Wh-what about it?

Did you know that movie was based on a true case?

Come on, you're shitting me, right?

I've never been more serious in my life.

That's not possible.

I mean, they showed zombies taking over the world.

They changed it all around. What really happened was

back in 1969, in Pittsburgh, at the V.A. hospital,

there was a chemical spill

and all that stuff

kinda leaked down into the morgue

and it made all the dead bodies

kinda jump around as though it was alive.

What chemical?

2-4-5-Trioxin, it's called.

It was to kinda spray on marijuana or something.

And the Darrow Chemical Company

was trying to develop it for the Army.

And they told the guy who made the movie

that if he told the true story, they'd just sue his ass off.

So he changed all the facts around.

So what really happened?

Well, they closed it all down, see,

and the Army shipped all that contaminated dirt

and all those dead bodies out.

And they kept it a secret. Shh.

What...

So how come you know about it?

A typical Army fuck up.

The Transportation Department got the orders crossed,

and they shipped those bodies here

instead of to the Darrow Chemical Company.

Hello?

Oh, hi, honey.

Uh, no, I'll be home in about an hour.

You keep the, uh, pot roast hot, okay?

Yeah, sure, I love you, too, honey. Yeah. Kiss, kiss.

Wanna see them?

- See them? - The corpses.

What are you talking about?

- They're down in the basement. - No.

- Come on. - No way.

Hey, mind the third step. It's a bitch.

You mean, they just brought those bodies here and left them?

Well, you know the Army.

And they've been here all this time?

14 years, as I recall.

No kidding?

There they are.

There's bodies in there?

Oh, shit. Look at that.

- You say that thing was alive? - So they say.

Oh, God.

- Hey, these things don't leak, do they? - Leak? Hell, no.

These things were made by the US. Army Corps of Engineers.

Oh, fuck!

Hello, dear. How was your day?

The usual, crap.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What's for dinner?

Your favorite, lamb chops.

I had them for lunch.

Yes, it's me, checking in from Station 3 at 1600...

uh, make that 1601 hours.

I'll be home all evening. Right.

It's nerve-racking to live around that equipment all the time.

They have to be able to reach me 24 hours a day, wherever I am.

You know that.

All that microwave stuff affects my oven.

When we find them, you can have the equipment taken out.

But when will you find them?

Christ, Ethel, I don't know!

Maybe we'll never find them.

Look, we've been through all this before.

They could be anywhere.

Where the fuck we going, anyway?

- To party! - To pick up Freddy.

Oh, yeah, what the fuck is Freddy up to these days, anyway?

- He got himself a job. - Oh, no shit? What job?

- He's a stockroom clerk. - Yeah? That sounds like a shitty job.

Well, it isn't the President of the United States,

but at least he makes money to buy stuff.

Oh, yeah, maybe he'll buy something from me?

He don't like your kind of stuff, Suicide.

How come you guys only come 'round when you need a ride someplace?

'Cause you one spooky motherfucker, Suicide.

Oh, you think I'm spooky, huh? What the fuck!

Man, what a hideous, ugly place.

- I like it. It's a statement. - Come on, let's go get the prick.

- No. - Why not?

- You might freak out his boss. - Well, that's not nice.

Yeah, what does he think we are, weird or something?