Miracle Workers

Bring out the prisoner!

This man has been accused of conspiring with the Valdrogians!

Should he be granted mercy?

No!

Then, in the name of King Cragnoor the Heartless,

this man is condemned to death!

Wait, do we drink when they scream or when they throw mud?

One for scream, two for mud, three for the crazy hag.

There she is.

You're all gonna burn in hell!

The devil's gonna pick his teeth with your bones!

Mm.

Do you ever feel like we're living

during a particularly bad period in history?

- It's time to kill a person! - Whoo! Yeah!

Sometimes.

Man, I hate this stupid town.

Hi-eee!

Oh, hey, guys!

Oh, my God, did you see the execution yesterday?

So good.

My favorite part was that thing at the end

when they cut that guy's head off.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that guy was innocent.

Man, I can't believe summer's over.

I know, right?

And we're all, like, adults now with jobs.

Oh. What are you guys... doing?

Well, Ted Carpenter's gonna be a carpenter.

Yeah, Mary Baker's going into baking.

And Wesley is...

W-What are you doing again, Wesley Pervert?

Stuff.

Just stuff.

- Nice. - Cool.

What are you thinking of doing, Alexandra Shitshoveler?

I'm going to school.

- What? - I-It's this...

It's this new thing where you learn information?

I've been preparing for years.

Saving up money, teaching myself how to read and count.

But what are you gonna do for your job?

Anything.

I could go into science or law or travel.

You mean, like, past the tree?

Yeah. Or, like, farther.

So, off the Earth?

I was thinking more like, you know, a city.

Al, not to be harsh,

but that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

But, great news, if the school thing doesn't work out,

you can always shovel shit, just like your dad.

See you tomorrow, Agnes.

Thanks, Eddie.

Jennifer, you feeling okay?

I haven't seen a lot from you lately.

- I'm good. - All right, just checking in.

- Abigail. - Oh?

I'll see you after breakfast, and, Peter, after lunch.

Life doesn't get any better than this.

Some caviar for you, Winifred?

Henry, you have already had seconds.

Don't be greedy.

Now, everybody focus.

It's showtime.

The Valdrogians believe their cavalry can outrun our archers.

But we shall sow their fields with blood.

We shall burn their homes,

take their land,

- destroy... - Hi, Dad!

Great news!

It took 16 months,

but Prince Chauncley's Amazing Duck Show

is finally ready to premiere.

This is not a good time.

Are you sure?

Because Jargar and Bloodgosh

look like they could use a laugh.

Right, guys?

No?

Lord Vexler, would you get rid of him, please?

I'm going to ask you a personal question.

Do you think I've lived up to my father's expectations?

Hmm.

What makes you wonder?

By my age, my father had already earned his terrifying nickname.

I haven't earned any nickname at all.

Perhaps he would respect me more if I were more like him?

Eh, I mean, probably, or, you know, just less like...

- you. - Hmm.

Yes.

Okay, class, settle down.

I know it's the first day, but we've got a lot to get through.

The Earth is flat.

The devil is real.

The sun is crazy.

And that is everything that we know.

Congratulations, graduates!

- Whoo-hoo! - Whoo!

That's it?

Well, no.

You still owe tuition.

I'm really gonna miss you guys.

What a journey.

Goblin! Kill the goblin!

Oh, shit!

Kill the goblin!

Goblin!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

For the last time, my brother is not a goblin!

But he's got the devil's mark!

- That's just a third nipple. - Aye!

That's where the devil takes his suck!

God, Reggie, just go home.

Come on. You're such a bully.

Get out of here!

Oh. How was your day?

Yeah, not bad. How about you?

Mm. I don't want to talk about it.

Congratulations, graduate!

Ah, your mom would have been so proud.

Mm. Thanks, Dad.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

I just feel like I made a huge mistake.

I mean, we didn't learn anything practical.

And now I have this expensive degree,

but it's not like I can do anything with it.

Aw, Allie, sweetheart, just because you're done with school

doesn't mean you quit learning.

That's why I got you this.

Dad! You don't have to get me anything.

- You earned it. - What is it?

I'll bet Allie can guess.

Not if you don't give me a clue.

Okay, let's just say I've been reading you for a while now,

and I hope you don't judge this gift by its cover.

- Oh. - But if you read me correctly,

I'd say you just might book it.

It's a shit shovel! For shoveling shit!

I mean, now that you're done with school,

you can finally join the family business.

Yeah. Oh, congratulations, Al.

Yeah, uh, thanks.

Wait, what were all the allusions

you were making to books and reading?

Oh, no. Just because there's writing on it.

You know, I mean, these are words.

I think that's your name.

And watch this.

Whshht! Boom!

It also doubles as a gravestone.

So when you drop dead shoveling,

it's just one-stop shopping, baby.

- Wow! - Look,

it's just like mine, only you got the newer model.

All right, you.

Off to bed 'cause you need your rest.

Tomorrow starts your real education.

Mm.

Everything in the world is perfect.

Dad, why do we have to start so early?

Well, you know the shoveler's pledge.

"Any time, anywhere, even if it's big."

- That's the pledge? - Yeah.

It's easy to remember because it doesn't rhyme.

First job. Big moment.

Okay. Let's just get this over with.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Easy there, cowboy.

I got to teach you "la technique."

All right, now, never turn your back on the cart,

and always lift from your neck.

The neck is the body's power center.

Why are these shovels so short?

Well, this way we have to stoop over more, and it's harder.

Those are negatives.

That's the way my dad taught me.

I remember what he said just before he died of shoveling.

"Son, I feel weird."

All right.

What did you say?

I want to help you conquer the Valdrogians,

to swing the sword, and hit the... the...

The... the things.

Yeah, like you.

You do realize that defending our kingdom

is a solemn and sacred honor?

Once you take up arms, there's no going back.

Oh, yeah! No, I totally get it.

Do you?

Totes.

For the first time in my life,

I can gaze upon you without feeling wrenching shame.

Thank you.

I-I-I love you, too.

Lord Vexler, escort him to the town gates

with full military honors.

Are... Are you sure about this?

He... He doesn't even have any armor.