The New Adventures of Old Christine

I don't know yet.

Oh!

Will you sit there? You're making me nervous.

I feel like I'm reading another one of your pregnancy tests.

I'm sorry, Barb, but I just can't make any less money, okay?

I'm already using generic pregnancy tests.

Which I think are just Popsicle sticks.

Yeah, I guess that explains

why there are riddles printed on them.

Hmm. That can't be right.

I must have made a mistake.

Oh. We're in the black.

Oh, the black!

I knew it! It's over.

Okay, well, then, I'm just gonna have

to pull Ritchie out of private school,

and we'll live in my Prius.

Oh, God, I hope I'm not pregnant.

No. I keep telling you- black is the best there is.

Uh, Barb, I-I don't think you're supposed to say that.

No. We made money.

For the first time in five years,

we can actually cut ourselves a paycheck.

A paycheck?!

Oh!

Hey, Barb, if you are messing with me,

you better tell me right now,

because I don't think I could handle it.

I'm-I'm serious.

Ready for how much?

Huh?

Each of us is getting...

$2,000!

Oh!

Shut up!

Oh, you shut up!

I love this job! I love this job!

I love you, Barb.

I love you, Christine.

You know what this is?

This is our screw-you money

for all those people who said we couldn't do it!

Screw you, Christine!

Screw you, Barb!

Oh, my God, we are successful businesswomen.

Ah!

I know exactly what I'm going to do with my money, too.

Ernest and Julio Gallo are going

to be jumping up and down in their office, too.

No, I'm not gonna buy wine.

I'm gonna buy a dress.

Yeah.

I've had my eye on it forever.

It's insane.

It's Dior.

And it's $2,000.

And I'm getting it.

Hmm. $2,000 for a dress?

Wow. For that kind of money, that dress better do for you

what you do for the electricity guy.

Seriously, you should see this dress.

It's elegant. It's sophisticated.

It makes my boobs look ginormous.

I think I'm going to give mine to charity.

That's a good one.

And by charity, what do you mean, the track?

Do you know how far $2, 000 could go?

For $2,000, I could build a well

and provide water for an entire village.

I don't want to give my money to charity.

You don't have to.

Yeah, but if you do, then I'm gonna feel

like a bad person for buying the dress.

Look, I'm not judging you.

You can do whatever you want with your money.

Yes, you are. You're always judging me.

Every time you read one of my pregnancy tests,

you're filled with judgment.

That's not judgment. That's disgust.

Hold the damn stick yourself.

You can't make me feel bad about getting the dress, Barb.

I'm not trying to.

Well, I don't.

Well, you shouldn't.

Screw you, Barb.

Screw you, Christine.

Hey.

I just got a strange phone call from New Christine,

and I'm a little freaked out.

I've got $2,000 in my bra.

I think Richard is up to something.

Am I a bad person?

Yes. You never listen to what anybody says.

Barb thinks I'm a bad person.

I think Richard's having an affair.

Just because I don't give money to charity?

I am talking.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was listening. Okay.

So, why do you think Richard is going to the fair?

Richard told New Christine

that he and I were going to the movies,

and then she called me

because she wanted him to bring her some Sno-Caps.

Oh, I hate Sno-Caps.

You know what I love?

I love that giant turkey leg that you get at the fair.

Oh. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You were talking.

Okay, I'm listening.

Don't you get it?

Richard and I had no plan to go to the movies.

I think he's having an affair.

No. Richard doesn't have affairs.

He couldn't handle it.

He's a horrible liar.

You can always tell he's lying

because he repeats your questions back to you.

It's a dead giveaway.

No. He probably just forgot

he wasn't going to the movies.

I mean, you know, at his age, you forget things.

Where is my $2,000?

Hey, guys. Hey.

Ritchie, do you think I'm a bad person?

Yeah.

So, Richard, where are you going tonight?

Where am I going tonight? Work.

You know, New Christine called me today.

Did you tell her we were going to the movies?

Did I tell her we were going to the movies? No.

Why are you repeating everything he says?

Why am I repeating everything he says? I'm not.

Are you lying? Am I lying?

Is he lying?

I got to go.

Oh, yeah, he's lying, all right.

Well, what are we going to do?

I don't know.

I mean, on the one hand, I really want to buy that dress,

and then on the other hand,

I really want to go to the fair.

Well, thank you for seeing me, Father.

Oh, please don't call me Father.

Oh.

Sorry.

Daddy.

Pastor Ed is fine.

Actually, anything... other than Daddy.

What brings you here?

You haven't been to church in over three years.

Oh, that's not true.

Oh, I've been here.

I sit in the back.

I've-I've seen

a lot of your sermons on, um...

um... God.

And, um... Mary.

Okay, so...

That pretty much covers it.

Um, what's going on?

Well, I'm in the middle of a spiritual crisis,

and I'm having a really tough time. Hmm.

And, um, is this the part

where you bring me some of that wine?

No.

No? Oh.

Well...

I recently came into some screw-you money.

Please don't tell me how you came into the money.

There's this dress that I really love.

Have you ever loved anything so much

that you'd be willing to give up everything for it?

Well.

Really? That outfit?

What's your question, Christine?

Does it make me a bad person

if I spend the money on myself instead of giving it to charity?

I would say you should do what your heart tells you to do.

Well, my heart has made some pretty bad decisions in my life.

My heart thought it was a good idea

to go backstage at the Peter Frampton concert.

Thankfully, it was pre-Internet so...

only four people saw what happened.

I can't listen to that story again.

It challenges my faith.

Can-Can you just tell me what to do about the dress?

It's important for you to find your own way.

What do you think you should do?

Well, I don't think that I should feel guilty

about spending the money on myself.

I never do that.

I deserve it.

Do you think I deserve it?

What do you think you deserve?

Well, for one,

a public apology from Peter Frampton's bass player.

For two, a return phone call from the drummer.

For three, I... Christine!

I think you know what the right answer is.