Cougar Town

Mmm! This is nice.

It's my favorite time of day-- just you and me

and 20 seconds of total peace and quiet...

...until your dad wakes up the entire state

with one of his sneezes.

Ah-choo!

Ah. Morning!

True story-- one of his sneezes killed Scott Baio.

- He's still alive. - No, that was our dog.

Yeah, I killed a parakeet, too.

Then the neighbors stop by mid-argument for coffee.

I have to stay in a hotel to clip my toenails?

You are not clipping those talons in my house.

It's like walking on broken glass.

New parents pop in with a question.

Hey, guys, okay, is it normal for diaper rash to kind of...

Go around the corner?

Gross, and yes.

Then there's the wild card.

Met a Swiss gal on the operating table last week,

so, uh, I'm working on my yodel.

It's their mating call.

Same time tomorrow?

See you then.

- You know, it's my house, too. - It's okay. It's just a rash.

- Okay, go to the doctor? - The hat is too much?

Seriously?

_

- Hey, babe. - Mm.

- Ooh, you look great. - Thanks.

Ooh, you might want to let that cool.

No time. I got to go close on that two-bedroom apartment.

Mm! Wow! Burned my tongue.

- You okay? - Yeah, I think I'll have some yogurt.

There's my classy gal.

So, it's been a while

since the two of us have had some time to ourselves.

Yeah, I've noticed that, too.

But tonight, your dad's gonna be out of the house,

rehearsing with that ridiculous jug band.

The Jugs. It's a play on The Judds,

but with, you know...

I know. I just like to hear you say it.

Anyway, you know that fancy tapas place

- where it's impossible to get a table? - Mm-hmm.

Well, I got us a table.

How?! That's only for cool people.

I had to convince them I was scouting locations

for the Lou Diamond Phillip's

Native American jewelry line launch party.

So if you see me wearing a necklace later,

just go with it.

Tonight? That is so sweet...

and also slightly annoying,

'cause I have like 20 things I've got to do.

And I told Trav and Laurie I'd watch the baby tonight.

I just thought it'd be a cool surprise.

I'll go cancel it.

Is that "sad body"?

I mean, I can rearrange a few things

and just find a substitute sitter for tonight.

- I'm free. - Shocking!

Plus, I can do two dozen ambient sounds that soothe babies.

Uh, this is "migrating whale pod."

Mm.

You know, I thought that would be horrible,

but that's like a deep-tissue massage for the soul.

Keep 'em coming!

"Happy cat."

Okay, for Stan's birthday,

we need cake, ice cream,

party hats...

Oh, balloons.

Ugh.

Stan is turning 7. He deserves an awesome party.

You know, traditionally, in Cuba, when you turn 7,

you get to smoke your first cigar.

Let me plan it.

No. I love planning my son's parties.

Let me make you a deal.

You know how you and I have a dinner tonight

with my new clients and their wives?

Let me plan Stan's party, and you can skip it.

- Done. - Hmm.

Hey, you guys, you know, we're celebrating something, too.

Today, Baby Bobby turns six weeks old.

And six weeks after childbirth

means Laurie and I can finally...

officially...

get it on!

- Ugh. - Bleh.

The thought of you having sex

sends a cold chill of disgust down our spines.

You know what? We should synchronize our reactions--

your shudder with my bleh.

I'll try it.

- Ugh. - Bleh.

I like it. Change approved.

You guys.

What, it doesn't bother you that they're grossed out by us?

Oh, sweetie, it's not us. Observe.

I once had sex with Willie Nelson,

but it turned out it wasn't Willie Nelson.

It was just an old lady.

I occasionally let Travis have sex with me.

- Ugh. - Bleh.

See? They're just repulsed by you.

Great. That's much better.

That reminds me-- time for my romantic tip of the day.

Tweet larmy.

I got carpal tunnel going on from lifting up the baby,

so I can't text, so I have to dictate all my tweets.

Before boning dude in--

Let me just type for you,

which is easier than having to hear you

and having to then stab you.

Oh, about time to drop Baby Bobby off with Jules

so mommy and I can get our freak on.

- Ugh. - Bleh. - Blech.

Bonnie, you barely even know me.

I know you plus sex equals gross.

Oh, hey! Got some roller skates.

It's a really good workout.

Did you know that this works your butt?

Actually, formally, it works your butt cheeks.

That's the real place that it works.

It makes them very, very tight, very taut,

hard as a rock, you know?

So, Tom is helping you babysit?

Yep. You know, he's a doctor.

It's good to have him around

just in case Grayson and I accidentally fall asleep

from having such a lame, uneventful night.

Bye, sweetie. Mama loves you so much.

I'm gonna be thinking about you every second.

Not every second. Not when we're, uh...

Ew.

Ellie came by and showed us how.

Glad you're on board.

How long do you think it'll last?

Oh, I'm guessing forever, bae.

You guys have a great time.

Okay, they're gone. Let's do this!

Do we really have to lie to the gang

- about going out to dinner? - Are you kidding?

They find out we're gonna have fun without them,

they're gonna come out of the woodwork.

You're dressed up.

Are you going out? May I come?

Oh, no, no. We're not going out.

I just, um...

I-I wanted to look hot for Baby Bobby.

Yeah. Me too.

All right. Stay low. Head for the door.

Trav and Laurie are turning around. They're coming back.

Back door! Stay low!

What's going on there?! I hear scurrying.

No, there's no scurrying. Just, um...

Baby stuff.

Why is Tom there? What are you doing over there?

Why are you inside the house?

Hey. Is Jules here?

She was home a minute ago, and now she's gone.

Yeah, Laurie just needs a little reassurance on the baby

before we, uh...

- head home. - Ugh.

- I didn't even say it. - You thought it.

Tweet larmy--

after six weeks on the DL, my lady parts--

I would rather type than hear that.

"My lady parts are supes stoked

to get back into naked spin class."

That's really good.

Yeah, because it's not hard

spitting out skank-speak to idiots.

So you got lucky with one sweet tweet, you know,

but the larmy demands a constant stream of my brain gems.

I'm sure it's quite a challenge to produce genius such as...

Oh, "Just twerked for six straight minutes.

#reaching goals."

You think it's easy to keep my tweeples stoked

for an entire day?

Prove it.

"Just totes got tweet-challenged by a hooba-skank."

Oh, they like that.

What's a retweet?

Oh, here's another. Is that good?

I mean...

Where'd mom and Grayson go? Her car's still here.

Ooh, God. I don't know.

I just realized my boobs are hard as rocks.

Oh, hey, baby. I'm turned on, too.

- You don't really know how boobs work, do you? - No, I don't.

I have to feed Baby Bobby. Come on.

We did it! We're free!

Whew!

Sexy dinner, here we come.

Jules!

Aah!

Watch out for Bonnie?