The New Adventures of Old Christine

: I can't... I'm just...

I-I don't know what to get.

How about glasses?

I don't need glasses.

They're for old people.

Why don't you just order for me,

and I'll sit here and look youthful.

Mm.

Boy, I hope that was you.

Seriously, you know what, I can't see anything.

You know, this is our three-week anniversary. Oh.

Not that I keep track of anniversaries,

'cause that'd be girly.

But... But, if you want, after this,

we could go to Color Me Mine

and make a couple of anniversary mugs.

Wow. That actually sounds good to me.

I must really like you.

Nothing about you bugs me yet; nothing.

I mean, that's, like, a new record for me.

Although I got very close when you announced

your "no shoes" policy at your house.

Yeah, but you were back on board

when I announced the "no pants" policy.

Yeah, I was on board.

I love you.

You're the best.

You know, I'm really glad

you don't throw "I love you's" around,

because I know, when you actually say it,

you're really going to mean it.

When do you think that's going to be?

Mm. Oh.

Sorry, I told Ritchie to text me

when he finished his homework.

And to be fair, I didn't think

he knew how to text or to finish his homework.

Uh...

Yeah, I can't-- uh, can you, um, can you...?

"I've been thinking about you."

Oh.

"And I was wondering

if you're free to get together on Saturday night."

: Oh, cute.

It's from someone named Daniel Harris.

Oh.

: Oh!

You're kidding me.

Daniel? Oh. Give me that.

Who's Daniel? What? No.

It's no one. It's just an old boyfriend.

Seriously, don't, give me the phone, okay?

Wow, this is quite a reaction.

I don't remember you mentioning

an old boyfriend named Daniel Harris before.

Well, there's nothing wrong with that.

I mean, that's not weird.

That doesn't mean anything.

Except that you've mentioned

every other ex-boyfriend you've ever had.

Burton, Papa Jeff, Sad Dad, Jack In The Box voice.

Okay, so I've made some bad choices,

and I forgot to mention Mr. Harris. So what?

Yeah, well, I've been a therapist long enough to know

it's what you don't say that is usually the most significant.

Okay, I will just text him

and tell him that I'm involved with somebody.

You don't have to.

Wait, what?

We've only been going out for three weeks.

We haven't said we're exclusive.

We haven't even made our anniversary mugs yet.

So... go out with him, if you want to.

Well, I didn't say I wanted to.

Yeah, but you didn't say you didn't want to.

And I've been a therapist long enough

to know it's what you don't say

that is usually the most... Okay, okay.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Look at you, you're all red-faced and sweaty.

This guy's obviously causing a reaction.

I'm red-faced and sweaty because I have had two glasses of wine

and my date Spanx are squeezing the life out of me.

I think that's how Houdini died.

You know, you don't have to be so flip.

Okay, look, I think you should explore these feelings.

I think you should go out with him.

Well, if you don't stop saying that,

I will go out with him just to teach you a lesson.

I want you to.

In fact, I'll do it for you-- here:

"That sounds great.

"See you then.

XXOO, LOL... USA."

Yeah.

Now, what looks good?

Okay.

Ritchie's playing video games.

He's had no bath, no food...

And no good role models.

I can't believe you're going through with this

just to spite Max.

What? It's not spite.

He's practically dared me to go out with Daniel.

Well, did he double-dog dare you?

Well, because if not, and your fingers were crossed,

you can olly olly oxen free and get out of it.

Don't joke about this, Matthew.

I totally overestimated Max's feelings for me.

You know, I told him that I loved him,

and he told me he thought I was the best.

You should be used to that from Dad.

He couldn't care less if I go out with other guys.

I'm so glad I'm not in a relationship.

No, I'm not.

Look, there's no way

going out with some old boyfriend

is going to make you forget about your feelings for Max.

Unless it's this old boyfriend.

Wow.

Mr. Harris, you look great.

Christine, I almost forgot how beautiful you are.

You, too.

I-I mean, I think you're beautiful.

Well, things haven't changed around here.

Come on in.

So, um...

what do we have on for tonight?

Okay, my 25th high school reunion is tonight.

Oh. Would you mind if we stop by there

for a little bit before we go to dinner?

The Jaguars are expecting me to make an appearance.

You were a Jaguar?

I was a Cougar!

Still are.

Oh.

Thank you.

No, wait, I don't like that.

It'll be quick. The team's getting back together

for a picture and they want the quarterback in it, so...

Oh, look at us.

The cheerleader and the quarterback.

You weren't a cheerleader.

I wore short skirts

and I slept with all the football players.

What else would you call it, Matthew?

I would call Mr. Harris a lucky man.

Okay, it's been two years.

Is anyone ever going to call me Daniel?

Oh, well, at this point, it seems

disrespectful.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

What you doing?

I didn't want to disturb you.

Uh, you peering at me through the window is disturbing.

Uh, Christine's not here.

Oh, I'm, I-I'm, I'm not here about Christine.

No, no, I, um, I-I came over to see you

about some, some office business.

Oh, we have office business?

Oh, yes.

Um, regarding lunch tomorrow...

Mm-hmm. ...I thought we'd try this new restaurant, and I, uh,

I brought the menu by so you could peruse it.

You're too late; she's gone.

Too late? Who's gone?

Where'd she go?

You know tonight was Christine's date

and Mr. Harris already picked her up,

and, uh, once you go Mr. Harris, you never go back.

What's wrong with you?

I thought you liked her.

I do.

Yeah, but you set her up

on a date with her ex-boyfriend.

Look, I know what I'm doing.

I have a tendency in relationships

to, to hold on too tight.

That's how I lost my last two girlfriends...

and-and my cat.

And my housekeeper.

So I just, I just-- I'm just giving Christine some space.

You know, who was it that said

"If you love something, set it free.

"If it comes back, it's yours.

If it doesn't, it never was"?

I think that was Baloo from The Jungle Book.

Wise bear.

See, I take the pressure off

by letting her go out with Mr. Harris,

and it makes her want me more.

You haven't seen Mr. Harris, have you?

No, why?

That's him?

God, he's beautiful.

Why do you think he's my screen saver?

I wish I'd had that information

before I encouraged her to go out out with him,

but, uh, it's fine.