Problem Child

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Nice night to be born, huh?

Apparently my birth was not considered a blessed event.

That's me in the basket and that's my mother carrying me.

And that's my mother...running away.

Well, this can still work out. Look at this place!

Oh!

Madam!

Aw... aw... aw...

Who on earth would want to abandon such a wonderful little baby boy?

On the day I was born

The nurses all gathered round

They gazed in wild wonder At the joy they had found...

But I am not dreaming.

One thing I know, and that is that there's no such thing in the world as a bad boy.

What does he know?

Bad to the bone Bad to the bone

B- b-b-b bad B- b-b-b bad

B- b-b-b bad...

What a strange-looking dogl

I'll bet he's hungry.

This looks good.

B- b-b-b bad B- b-b-b bad...

Diver Dan, Diver Dan! Surface, surface!

I wanna be yours, pretty baby Yours and yours alone

I'm here to tell ya, honey I'm bad to the bone...

These are my favourite toys. Who am I kidding? They're my only toys.

That's my dad.

So you want to play rough, huh?

I was just kiddingl Oh, nol Not the nuns, not the nunsl

Bad to the bone B- b- b- b bad

Bad to the bone

Geel I wonder if penguins can flyl

Help!

Help!

You see? No one really ever accepted me.

Who'd be that caring?

Who'd be that loving? Who'd be that dumb?

Listen to this. It says here that Henry is a strong name.

He's loyal and loving.

Henry? Hank. Henri. Sounds like a loser.

No, come on, think about it. Henry, Hank. Hank Aaron, that's a winner.

"How was school today, Hank?" "Great, Dad!"

- Let's put a star down next to Henry. - No, I don't like it.

What about Donald? It says Donald is wealthy and powerful.

That's the kind of kid I want.

I'll be happy no matter how he turns out.

- He'll be our child. - It won't hurt if he's chairman of the board.

So, when is your child due?

I'm not really pregnant yet. We're just planning ahead.

A little wishful thinking never hurt anyone.

Here at the clinic we pride ourselves on a 99%% success rate.

- Little Henry Healy. - Donald.

Unfortunately, there is that other 1%%.

And you're it. I'm sorry, but the test came back positive.

- Positive, that's good. - No, positive is bad.

No, positive is good, negative is bad.

No, negative is good. You see, you are positively infertile.

You mean we've been doing it every night for nothing?

Let me explain.

This is your uterus.

That purple thing is your cervix.

These green things are your fallopian tubes and this...

That's not supposed to happen. Toss me that.

This yellow thing is your ovary. Fits right in there like that.

Well, you know what? It doesn't matter.

You don't even have a yellow thing and your green thing is brown.

- Doctor, are you sure there's no hope? - None whatsoever.

But there are alternatives to having your own child.

I tried to like it at the orphanage

but then I became interested in photography.

After that, things kind of went downhill.

Eat all of your stew, children.

A growing body needs nutrition. And discipline.

If it's so nutritious, how come I don't see you eating it?

- Aw, Junior! - Junior!

I was never really sure which one I got, nutrition or discipline.

- What do they put in this stuff? - Junior, please don't get us in trouble again.

Who are they kidding?

Junior!

What happened to your lunch?

It was so delicious I just gobbled it all up!

I can't believe it. For once, you behaved yourself. Thank you, Lord!

Hey, lady, hands off the merchandise! I gotta hear out of that thing!

Ow...!

All right, mister, you know the routine. Start mopping.

Sister, I'm all packed to go.

There's my favourite little boy. I'm going to miss you so much.

Miss him? Where's he going?

Haven't you heard? I'm getting adopted. I got a new mommy and daddy and they're so nice.

- Really? - Yes.

Good little boys get good homes.

Bad little boys get something else.

Big deal. If you have to be a creep like Freddy, I don't want a family.

...a man described as evil incarnate, a man called "the fiend of the century".

Where are my cartoons?

They did me wrongl They had it comingl

- All 34? - You bet they didl

This guy's pretty popular. He's on every channel.

Since he escaped, residents of the bordering states have been afraid to leave their home.

Beck, known infamously as the Bow Tie Killer, was recaptured this afternoon

and is now on his way back to federal prison.

I'm not a bad guyl I'm just misunderstoodl

Nobody cares about me but mel

What a good-looking guy.

Because of this attempted prison break, Beck would have to serve additional time.

When he is returned to the federal prison, Beck will be placed under...

Do you see him?

There's our boy!

Oh, honey!

You guys, I'm so excited!

Have a good day, honey.

Why don't you take a look at this adoption literature? We can talk about it tonight.

Why don't you? I don't wear second-hand clothes and I won't have a second-hand kid.

- Adoption is out! - OK, all right.

Fine.

Welcome to Big Ben's, the sporting goods store that has everything.

Sporting goods made by Americans for Americans.

My fellow Americans, don't forget to vote for Big Ben for Mayorl

- Mister, do you work here? - I sure do. How can I help you?

I'm looking for a canteen with a compass on it.

I saw your commercial and they said you have everything.

You bet we do. This is Big Ben's. We got canteens 365 days a year.

- Which one of these can I fix you up with? - This blue one.

- Hey, sport, where did you run off to? - This man was helping me find my canteen.

I hope Hank wasn't bothering you. He's excited about this camping trip we're going on.

- You two must have a lot of fun together. - These little rascals make life worth living.

What the heck else are we here for, partner?

Let's go!

- Did you get what you wanted? - Yeah.

- Thanks a lot, buddy. - My pleasure.

- Little Benl - What?

Get your little butt in here. I got a big surprise for you.

That's right, Big Ben's is 100 per cent American.

I'm selling the store to the Japs.

I... I...

- What? Thought I was gonna leave it to you? - Yes.

Well, I'm not. I'm selling to the Hirohito Corporation.

I still get the land, right, Dad?

No, you won't. No, no.

I'm selling that too. Everything from here to the river.

What? Dad! I can't believe this.

I slaved for you for over ten years without even a raise or a promotion.

Is there a lesson to be learned?

- A lesson? - Don't trust anyone.

- Not even your own father? - Especially your own father.

You're too nice.

I expected a little back-stabbing from you, some ruthless scrambling to get to the top,

but you stubbornly refuse to follow my example.

Today's my birthday. Look what they gave me.

Junior!

Junior! What is taking you so long?

- We start serving dinner in 20 minutes. - I only got two hands.

I want these pots so shiny I can see my face in them!

This one kind of looks like you.

All right, now you're gonna pay for it.

- Junior! - Yikes! A penguin in a pot!

Help!

I wonder if they want me to do the floorl

Junior!

OK, kids, huddle up. Now, listen, we got three more innings.

Remember, if we win we all get ice cream.

Yeah!

And if we lose... What the hay, we'll have ice cream anyway.

Go take the field. I'm proud of you! Look mean out there.

Little Ben. Can I talk to you for a second?

I don't care how many runs you score. We're not gonna forfeit.

No! I don't care about this game. We got this thing won already!

I just came over to share my happiness with you, Little Ben.

Harriet had a sonogram. Take a look.

- What is that? - It's a boy!

Congratulations.

- I got one of these for you. Open up. - I don't smoke.

Come on, open up. Open up!

It's a home run for the Chieftainsl

What do you know? Another home run.

Way to go, Gary!

Will you all please quiet down? Be quiet!

Ladies, please, can you please quiet down?

Can you quiet down? Can you act like nuns?!

OK.

Now, there's absolutely no proof

that Junior was in any way connected with today's tragedy.

- Who needs proof? He's evil! - Look what he did in art class! Skeletons!

- Headless corpses. - Monsters devouring human flesh.

All right, look!

I don't claim to be some kind of brilliant psychologist. I'm not.

All I'm saying is maybe all the child needs is to be loved.

Let's cut the crap, Mr Peabody!

Either Junior goes or you find yourself some new nuns.

No, no, please, don't hyperventilate. Just take a deep breath and relax.

The only way we can straighten this out is by hearing what Junior has to say.

I'm sorry, sisters.

Please, please don't make me lift those heavy stones

and please don't make me scrub those dirty toilets.

I just want to be a good boy. I promise!

You see that? He said he's sorry.

Please, give me another chance. I just want to learn my lessons and do my studies.

So I can be smart and become a priest!

There! You see that? A priest!