One of Us Is Lying

...in the hellscape that is high school,

I am going to reveal the truth

about all of you miserable assholes,

just like I did last year,

when I leaked some photos

that got half the basketball team expelled.

You liar!

Helped a lot of couples see each other

for who they really are.

And of course, I kept you up to date with the who's who

of addicts, anorexics and alcoholics.

Privacy is a thing of the past.

I know everything that went down this summer.

And on Friday night, I'll take down

four of Bayview's biggest offenders.

And I know Friday is a long way away,

so here's a preview to get you through the week.

Oh, perfect timing.

Hope you're hungry. - Not really.

I'll just have some coffee.

Sure, so you can crash by third period?

It's not like this semester determines whether or not

you get into Yale.

You need to feed your brain. Eat.

Mmm, I can feel my SAT scores going up already.

Did you see that asshole's already posting?

- Hola, Papa. - Buenos días, mi'jitas.

First up, I have a bad report card

on a straight-A student making her About That debut.

She might be top of her class, but that doesn't mean

I can't get her thrown out on her ass.

Ew, can you guys not? We're eating.

Well, if not for this, you wouldn't exist.

Gross.

Who do you think it's about?

I have no idea.

Now, I know you school spirit sheep

can't wait to cheer on the Wildcats this year.

But trust me,

I'll be the real winner when I reveal one MVP's

sweaty locker room secret.

Hey, how'd it go?

Good, just four miles.

Kept the pace light. - Good.

Take it easy at practice, okay?

Gotta save that arm for the showcase.

Dad, come on.

I know how to prep for a game.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Oh, oh, you think that's because you've had

your old man training you your whole life?

What's up? - I mean,

it might have a little something to do with it.

All right, good.

Listen. Just remember,

next Friday isn't just a game, okay?

It's major league scouts. - Major league scouts.

The reason we moved cross-country.

All right? Don't forget that.

Cooper.

Yeah, Dad.

I got it.

I know you all like a good love story,

but I prefer a bad one.

So I can't wait to tell you

which of Bayview's varsity skank squad

isn't as wrapped around her boyfriend's finger

as much as you might've thought.

Turns out, she's been wrapped around another guy's...

well, you know.

Addy.

Jake's here.

Is that what you're wearing?

What's wrong with it?

You just gotta work with what you got, babe.

Wouldn't want Jake's eyes wandering, do you?

Hey, Miss P.

How many times do I have to tell you to call me Ann?

Damn, Ads.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Come here.

- We're gonna be late. - Mm.

We'll be quick.

Come on, Addy.

I didn't know we were carpooling.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

TJ crashed his Jeep again.

You guys, let's go. We're gonna be late.

Girl, I hope he at least made you come.

God, you are such a perv.

I was just finishing my makeup.

Let's see.

Mm-hmm, I love a natural glow.

- I don't get it. - It means they just had sex.

My final story on Friday

will be about one of my regulars:

Bayview's most eligible felon.

I know, even I've gotten bored

of writing about how everyone wants to fuck a bad boy.

But believe me,

I've got so much fresh dirt,

his probation officer's gonna fuckin' bury him in it.

Hey, babe.

Who the fuck are you? - Oh, my God.

Study buddy.

Babe, wait. Seriously, I can explain.

Just wait!

I know that coming back to school sucks,

but I'm here to promise that it will not be boring.

May I have your attention please?

Will John Staddon

please report to the principal's office?

This place is such a cliché.

It's like everyone's here to audition

for the reboot of a John Hughes movie.

Except none of them even know who John Hughes is.

That's the most tragic part.

They don't recognize the historic forces

that have conspired to make them

exactly who they are.

You guys had better be coming to my party on Friday.

It's gonna be sick.

- I'll be there. - You will.

- I got you. - And you?

- Oh, damn! - Nice.

How is it only fifth period,

and I'm already completely stressed?

Because we're taking all AP classes.

Uh, excuse me.

- What? - I'll have a grape of yours.

You can have a grape.

- What the fuck, Nate? - What?

You totally left me on read this morning.

Oh, yeah. I had a, um,

situation this morning.

Are you seriously posting from campus?

It's like you want Gupta to shut you down.

I'm not worried.

Principal Gupta would rather die

than censor anyone's unique form of self-expression.

She might have become a fascist over the summer.

We don't know. A lot can happen in two months.

Well, even if she did...

which she did not...

she can't prove it's me.

According to my VPN, I just posted from Tokyo.

It's your lucky day.

I know you said you'd have to wait until Friday,

But looking at all of you

and your boring, predictable little cliques,

talking about the same predictable bullshit,

makes me realize that it is my moral duty

to do something to make this day more interesting.

So here's a little taste to hold you over

until the end of the week.

By now, most of you have probably noticed the new girl,

FJ, making friends with the theater nerds.

She may look harmless,

but don't be fooled by her innocent smile.

Turns out, she's only here

because she got kicked out of her last school

for stabbing her English teacher in the back...

literally.

Good thing her daddy's rich,

or she'd be eating lunch behind bars right now.

Wait, guys, did something just happen?

I promised this year wouldn't be boring.

And I never break a promise.

Welcome to AP Physics.

If you're looking for Phys Ed, that's in the gym,

and I recommend you leave now.

Physics tells us that the universe

is governed by immutable laws...

kind of like my classroom.

If you break my laws,

you'll find out that for every boneheaded action,

there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Bronwyn,

how good of you to help me demonstrate this concept.

Is this yours?

Uh, yes, but my phone's in my locker.

Open it.

This... this isn't my phone.

Your action was to bring a cell phone into class.

And my equal and opposite reaction

is to give you detention.

What?

That's not fair because that's not my phone.

It is fair.

And it's final.

You can have your phone back after detention.

Okay, people, let's open our books now.

Page 18.

Hey.

You ready to school me in debate?

So ready.

I just have to make a quick stop first.

- Okay, cool. - In detention.

Bronwyn Rojas.