Big Mouth

As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to jerk off.

To me, where I grew up, see, jerking off was better than sex,

which none of us had had because we were kids, God damn it!

By Season 5, every character was diddling their De Niro.

I'd whack off for two hours till my dick was bright red.

Then I'd stop for 20 minutes and start over again.

It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

My best friend, Little Nicky Birch, he had it bad

for this redhead firecracker named Jessi.

Now, Jessi, she was busy rubbing her stub to Little Nicky's big brother Judd,

which was her big secret, all right?

I only know about it because I'm the narrator.

And then there was Missy.

She was worm-squirming to God knows who, but she was doing it.

-And how could I forget Jay? -

We called him Jay because that was his name.

He used to be the best pillow fucker in the tri-state area.

But Jay, he went and did the one thing

-no jerker-offer is ever supposed to do. -

He fell in love.

And those are just some of the intimate

and very hurtful things that I'm thrilled to reveal about Jay Bilzerian.

Now, swipe up for a video of Jay taking a painful dump

and saying his shits are too sharp.

What the fuck, Lola?

Sending my sharp shit video around?

This war with Lola is driving you crazy, Jay.

Want me to blow you with an ice cube in my mouth?

Would that make you feel better?

Yeah, it would, Brad, but I gotta be at school like half an hour ago, so…

I'll be quick, sweetie. Now give baby his binky.

Oh, yeah!

-Goo-goo, ga-ga. -Okay…

I got two hard teeth coming in.

-Yeah! -Both on the bottom.

-Yeah! That's what I deserve. -

Shit! Mom, not now! I'm getting blown in here!

What do you want?

Look down, ass clown.

What the fuck?

Well, well, well. If it isn't me, Pillola!

Pillola?

Pillow and Lola in one, motherfucker!

Get the fuck out of my head!

You're the one who can't stop thinking about me.

You're, like, totally obsessed.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Get out of my brain!

We live in your head now.

We're never leaving.

Because we have squatter's rights!

Squat!

God damn it, Lola!

Ahh! Fuck!

Hubba, hubba, who's the new girl?

Rick, that's Jessi, she's one of my best friends.

Uh, your boner called, it wants its phone back!

Hey, no. It's not like that. Do you remember when I tried to kiss her?

-No! -It almost ruined our friendship.

Okay, but you still want to eat her poon with an ice cream spoon.

-Hey! No! -

You are my hormone monster and you'll do what I say!

- -Hey, stop that!

I'm sorry, but you made me do that.

I'll fucking kill you.

-Excuse me, what'd you say? -Nothing, baby. Have fun in school!

-Andrew, just listen to me. -Jay, you're talkin' like a maniac.

What's this called again?

No Nut November.

It's a challenge for your mind and your dick.

Wait… It's called "No Nut November"?

-Yeah! You don't come the entire month. -What?

Everybody's doing it. Chris Pratt, Anthony Mackie,

the dad from Father of the Bride…

-Whoa. -Guy Fieri…

I mean, everybody! We should do it too!

-Should we? -Yes, please!

I need something to distract me from shit-ass Lola!

But, Jay, it sounds awful.

I mean, why would anybody not jerk off for a month?

You gotta get the poison out. Am I right?

-What? -Do you think of it as poison? The liquid?

I think of it as mayo, hold the sandwich.

Hey, don't take my word for it.

Listen to comedy star turned jacked manbeast Kumail Nanjiani.

Now I'm intrigued.

What's up, Kumaniacs!

-Wonder if it catches on. -No.

That's right. It's your boy Kumail here to preach the gospel of No Nut November.

-Look, I used to fap all the time. - Yeah.

In my house, on the red carpet, in my car before going into the bank.

- Wow! -I was a slave to my seed!

But ever since I stopped nutting, my life's been Mark Wahlberg good!

Fuck, yeah!

So, what are the rules? Easy.

One month of no sex, no masturbation, no wet dreams,

-no nutting in any form! -Fuck!

Even that involuntary pre-cum you get in a bank parking lot.

So cork that cock, stay rock-soft,

and I'll see you for Decimate Your Dick December!

- Whoa! -Ahh!

-Fucking incredible, right? -Honestly, it's a great ad for walnuts.

Be that as it may, I'd like to say that No Nut November demonizes masturbation,

which is a perfectly healthy activity.

That's what my doctor says, and she has one long gray braid.

Missy's right, this whole thing sounds stupid.

Besides, I couldn't last more than a few days anyway.

Ugh! Devon can't resist his own dick. How do you think he wanks, Missy?

Standing up? Lying down?

-Crouched over your face? -Mona!

Okay, what about you two?

The boys, hanging out, one month, no cumming.

-Eh… -Please, please! I really need this.

-Need what? -Oh, Jay wants us to do No Nut November.

-Oh, God. -"No Nut November"?

I thought that shit was fake, like John Travolta's bangs.

Motherfucker look like Count Chocula.

Now's your chance, Nick. Go ask your new friend Jessi if she wants her butt hugged!

No! Enough!

In fact, maybe doing No Nut November will shut your moldy ass up.

-Jay, I'm in. -Yes!

Well, if Nick can go a month without masturbating,

then I, Andrew, can too.

-That is… That is very funny, Andrew. -No. Ah…

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

Oh, you're laughing at me.

What are you saying? That I can't do it?

No chance. You are a jerk-off maniac.

Oh, I'm a maniac, huh?

Why, because I lust after my own self? You think you could do it better, Nick?

-I can hold out longer than you! -Care to make it interesting?

You mean, like a contest?

That's right, baby. A contest.

I bet you this oatmeal raisin granola bar that I can last longer than you!

You're on, George Costandrew.

-Whoa! You're both going down! -

This is gross!

And I want in.

-You can't be in. -Why not?

-Girls can't nut. No nut! -Nothing comes out.

It's pantomime!

Oh, baloney! I have orgasms all the time!

You don't say.

I do say.

-It's like a million suns… -Oh!

…exploding in your "Soup Nazi."

We're doing the contest. No soup for us!

Soup is… glug, glug, glug, glug, glug,

cum.

Oh! This is great. I'm not going to think about Lola at all.

Oh, you're gonna think about me, Jay.

This is gonna be the hardest month of your life.

You and your jagged little shits.

Nathan, I'm home!

Missy, my gentle geranium.

Are you ready to engage in the perfectly healthy activity of self-stimulation?

You bet your sweet bippee!

Captain, we should touch down on Climax Six in just a few moments.

Excellent.

Would you like to take the controls while I sensually comb my hair

and make searing eye contact with you?

Permission to comb your thick mop, you total dish!

- - Intruder alert!

There's an unidentified life form in Sector Five.

They must have stowed away during our last refueling!

I'll accompany you, Captain. But please, hold my hand, for my own safety.

The signal seems to be coming from this way.

- -Yo! What's up, Missy?

- Devon? -What? I didn't know we had a steam room.

You want to join me and my big-ass dick?

Oh! Devon?

Don't you mean, "Oh, Devon!"

No! Maybe!

I don't know!

So, how's everyone holding up?

I'm impressed with old Andrew so far.

-It's literally only been three hours. -I know, and I'm totally fine.

I mean, sure, normally I'd go home and jerk off, eat a giant bag of Doritos,

fall asleep on the floor, fart myself awake,

and go down to dinner.

Oh, fuck, that sounds good.

What are we doing here, guys?

Oh, yeah, you're not a jerk-off maniac at all.

That's right, I'm not. I just need a distraction.

Can somebody stab me?

Or another option, maybe tonight we watch, like, a boring, unsexy movie.

Yes, for Christ's sakes, anything!

Help me! I mean, whatever, man. Peace. I don't give a shit.

Cool. Should we go over to your house?

You come to my house? Cool. Sure. We can make that work.

Oh, yeah! Your house is where all your underwears are.

That's where you're gonna cum, yum yum yum.

No, there's no cumming. I'm not losing this contest.

We'll see! Let's just hope your little dicky bird

doesn't slip and fall into your hand,

squirt pudding out of its pretty little mouth.