Airheads

Oh, yeah! That was for all you pinheads too hip to take off your jackets in the 95° heat.

When the weather gets like this it brings all you nutbags out...

...and since I am a trouble magnet, I have one thing to say to you bozos: back off.

Here's the Sons of Thunder from their album Scrambled Eggs and Wobbly Legs.

This is Ian the Shark on the station with more hair, more flair, yet so debonair: KPPX.

Rebel Radio-oh-oh-oh-oh!

Hey! Hey! You've gotta check in here!

Get Security on the second floor. We've got a bogey in elevator one.

It's that guy in the delivery uniform again.

OK, be wild. Be as wild as you wanna.

If you feel like wetting yourself, go with it, OK? Anarchy's good. They like anarchy, OK?

- But what are we supposed to say? - What? Don't say anything.

Jeez, do you wanna blow this? You know how much these stupid hats set me back?

- Hi. - Oh, no. Hey, excuse me?

Mike, it's him. The wacko's back.

Yeah, I'm up here in A&R right now.

I'm not goin' anywhere.

Oh, hey, dude.

- Hey, hi. Are you an executive here? - Yeah.

How you doin'? My name's Chazz. Chazz Darby.

I'm in this band and we've got this incredibly sweet demo. I think you should hear it.

I can't take that tape from you. It's called unsolicited material.

Hey, but this is the real thing, man. This is rock 'n' roll. None of that gimmicky stuff.

I would love to hear it, but if it's unsolicited, I can't touch it.

We've been trying to get solicited...

Well, then maybe a gimmick would help. The cream always rises, OK?

Super-duper. Thanks.

All right, dude. Thanks a lot. Whoa!

You again! You just can't learn, can you, scumbag?

Take care now.

Here's your tape.

Hey. How was your day?

Oh, Gary is a tremendous asshole.

He had this whole stack of invoices and he made me arrange them by date.

- He's such a tweaker. - It sucks.

- Did you mail the rent? - You, uh... you didn't leave me a stamp.

Well, maybe you could have gone and bought one.

Ow!

Chazz! What the hell happened to my make-up?

It fell in the toilet.

Shit! Babe, come on.

- I told you not to leave it on the tank. - You ruined my make-up, butt!

What's this attitude, Kayla? Know what I've been through today?

I guess you woke up when the sun was warm...

...and rode your Harley up and down Melrose impressing all the 15-year-old girls, right?

I was down at Palatine Records. That's where I was.

Really? What happened?

I had a meeting with a big record executive and, uh...

What did he say? Why didn't you tell me?

Well, we talked about solicitation...

...and the guy said he'd snap us up in a second if it weren't for the lawyers.

- Did he like the tape? - I was about to give it to him...

...then a security guard showed up and ruined everything.

- Come on. - Please.

Hey, it's true. I'm making really good contacts. I am.

When they hear this song they'll go apeshit. It's just gonna take time. What's the big deal?

The "big deal" is that I'm doing the bullshit work and you're living the rock 'n' roll life.

- I wanna live the life, too. - I'm doing this for us.

Come on, babe. You know that once I make it you got a free ride.

I'm gonna treat you like gold.

Chazz, it's been months.

Maybe you should get a job.

This is my job. I am trying managers, record executives, club owners. That's hard work.

You get to sit in a nice office all day smoking and drinking coffee.

- Oh! - This is bullshit!

- Oh, my snout. - You bastard!

I hate you. You are nobody and you are never gonna be anybody.

You're treating me like I'm a goober after I wrote this song for you?

You wrote that song before you even met me.

- So? - So you get out!

Get out now! Get lost!

- OK, OK, OK, OK. Kayla! - Go!

- Keep going! - Kayla!

You poser!

I always knew you were a loser!

Everyone warned me!

I hate your music! I always have!

She booted you out again, huh?

What a bitch.

I mean, that that happened.

Hey, she's gonna be jealous in six months from now...

...when we're on the cover of Rip magazine lookin' cool.

- Shut up. - I'm just sayin'.

- Rex. - What?

I told you to stock the end caps and mop the employee lounge.

- Too late. I'm outta here. - I'll tell Covington.

Oh, be quiet.

Hey, Chazz, what's up?

- He's movin' in with us for a while. - Great! We can rock out after breakfast.

Things are gonna happen to us no matter what that chimp from Palatine Records says.

You see, that's just it. You think everything's gonna happen to you.

You gotta make it happen.

How many practices have you missed cos you're cleaning up some stiff's pool?

Get in the truck, dingus.

I'll be right there.

Man, Chazz is right. All we gotta do is make our own action, you know?

That's the way it is, little bro. D'you think Tommy Lee waited for the bus?

Man, he hustled. That's how come he gets to pork Heather Locklear.

Yeah, well, we got the look, man. We're gonna be huge.

Yeah, we're almost there.

Chazz says once we get a contract, chicks with breast implants pick out your clothes.

Cover your mouth. You're shooting phlegm all over my ass.

Say "gesundheit". I say it for you, man.

Honey, I'm home.

- Hey, Pip, check this out. - Oh! Oh!

The Incredible Crash Dummies. Whoo!

You must have five-fingered most of the store by now.

Oh, man. Most of these guns are discontinued anyway.

Like this Uzi water pistol. They got rid of it cos it looked too real.

- Yo! - Mama.

Wow. Now you got yourself a whole arsenal here.

What are you doing?

Pepper sauce. Active ingredient: capsicum.

You blast this in somebody's face and they're all like "Oh! Oh!"

Some Hollywood Boulevard trash comes shimmying up the rain pipe...

- Hey! - Whoa!

Listen up, you lowlifes, what the hell are we doin' here on a Thursday night?

That's right.

Rock 'n' roll!

OK, we're here to party tonight...

...with our little buddies...

...the Sons of Thunder.

Sons of Thunder? Didn't we blow them off the stage at Chez Bang six months ago?

So why don't all you little idiots press your faces up against the speakers...

...and blow your brains out!

Look at this crap. What do we give away first, hats or hair-care products?

Girls, you wanna get us a couple of drinks, please?

Ooh, serious bumper.

You wanna punch it up, Ian? You're as spunky as a corpse.

The Sons of Thunder, for Christ's sake? Pablum.

- How can you even tell these bands apart? - I read the trades.

First of all I'd like to say thanks to Ian and Rebel Radio for playing our single...

...and basically getting us signed.

Is this on?

Look at them stupid pantaloons.

- That's what we gotta do. - Looks like they got a load in them pants.

No, they played this song on the radio, and they got an album. That's what we gotta do.

All we've got to do is get 'em to play the tape and we're golden.

- This is never gonna work. - Pip, what is your problem?

Remember that guy Doper Greg? Remember that guy, man?

He used to blow bong hits in his iguana's face and make the thing watch cartoons.

- So what? Will you shut up? - Just get to the point. What?

He won a radio giveaway and when he went to the station they wouldn't let him in.

It was like this total security building. They slid his ticket through a slot with salad tongs.

So just because that anus couldn't get in means that we can't?

If anybody gives us any static, I shove this in their face.

Agh!

But remember that fat kid on Hard Copy with a toy gun?

The cop zapped him with a Taser till he went bald.

Then he sued for a million bucks when his pubes didn't grow.

He's still got no hair on his balls, man.

Go to the back.

- It's locked. - Pip, give me your bank card.

- Come on, let's go. I'll get this door open. - Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Piece of cake. Watch this.

- What's your secret code? - Huh? What for?

That's how these things work.

- I can't tell you my code. - Will you tell him the code? And hurry up.

You punch it in, OK?

Please don't look.

- Hey! The thing took my card! - Oh, shit.

All right. Stand back.

What are you doing, MacGyver?

Open it up. I'm gonna short-circuit it.

- Nah. - We almost got in. That's too bad. Let's go.

- Hey, Pip, you quitting on us? - The door's locked.

You flake! You don't care about this band. You run around all day in your fudgies.

- Not true. - It is too!

- I always gotta tell you to put pants on. - He's making this up!

Will you both shut up, please?! OK. You're brothers, all right?

We haven't lucked out yet. Stay here, Pip.

Agh! You got a big mouth, man!

Hey, Pip.

Oh, my God.

Pip. Pip.

Oh, my... Here.

Are you all right? Cos I'm really sorry. I just came out for a cigarette.

- It's all right. Don't worry about it. - I'm really sorry. I just came out and bonk!

- Hi. - Hi.

Suzzi, caller 50 needs some tickets.

Shit. I gotta go. Bye.

Yeah! Sweetness.

Come on.

There we go.

You wanna make a change, right? Get serious about your look at Hair Bomb on Melrose.

- What, Doug? - Um, here, see. It's all there.

Coloring, razor cuts, popcorn, perms and weaves. It brings out the rock star in you.

- Well, this is beautiful. - Well, I try to be a team player.

I may need you to come in tomorrow.

I'm cutting loose some dead weight. There'll be a lot going on.

Oh, boy.

- What's the problem? - Well, I've been having a little bit of, uh...

- ...itching on my... It could be hemorrhoids. - I don't wanna hear that.

I know. It's just that I made an appointment with my proctologist...

...to get some type of cream or something.

So you're gonna leave me high and dry? That's a nice team attitude.

Well, I suppose I could come in for most of Saturday.

- And Sunday. - Well, yeah, yeah.

Now, when are you planning on breaking this to everyone?

I thought I'd wait for exactly the right moment.