The Scouting Book for Boys

-She's coming. -She's early.

-So... today the day then? -Fuck do I know. Won't tell me.

-But they... -Blouse's coming off.

If I ever get like her, you gotta promise to shoot me, okay?

-Okay. -Fuck, the bra's coming off.

Hey, wait up!

-Come on, we'll go this way. -No, we'll go this way.

Easy! David, come on.

Pussy.

I'm the king of the world!

-Is it one of those birds, Charlie? -I'm checking!

Oi!

We're birds, Charlie! We're birds!

You can't just jump on someone's roof!

Come back here, you little bastards!

Shit, you all right?

Come on! Go under.

If I ever get my hands on ya...

-You okay? -Yeah...

No, you're not. You're bleeding, put out your tongue.

Gonna swell that...

Tell you what, could give amazing head with a tongue like that.

Gotta find a girl to give it to you in 24 hours before the swelling drops.

-What? I'm trying to cheer you up? -Yeah...

At least you didn't boo.

So how many runs do you think we did?

-I count 14. -Yeah, I thought it was 14, too.

-You didn't do 14... -No, I counted 14, for you.

-You reckon I equaled the record? -Yeah, maybe.

-Pussy. -Yeah.

Come!

THE SCOUTING BOOK FOR BOYS

...this dad comes into my mum's shop...

and he does, I don't have any money, can I have a lottery ticket?

I need a lottery ticket because I got these numbers

for Wednesdays roll over and I know I'll win.

Mum had a think and said if you win, I'll keep half.

So they win, 50 quid.

My mom claimed like proper

and she's been waiting to give some back but he ain't been round.

Mum reckons he could be an angel.

I reckon that's just thick.

Probably just had to go, just another fucker in a van.

I would have bought him the ticket. Laughed if he numbers come up.

-Would ya? -What? You think I'm lying?

If he don't come back, I'm going to get one of you to dress up and claim.

Bet mum don't remember what he looked like.

I'd want a tenner off it, if I did.

Twenty percent? Deal. I'd have given you forty.

-Okay, I'll have thirty. -We made a deal.

Deals change.

-Come in, Steve. -Yeah?

Where are you?

If we give away a ticket, but he'd still rip my Mum off for ten quid.

Yup.

-You look like a cloud. -I don't want to be a cloud.

Ice cream break.. I got money.

Actually, that was... I need to take you to your Mum's.

-It's probably nothing, Em's... -How did she sound?

It's probably nothing.

Let's just go, yeah?

Written all over your slapper face! I knew you'd fuck it up.

I don't know why they chose him, sweetheart! Why would I...

I want you here with me!

So I have to move with him because you're not good enough?

-But I was good enough... -You lost!

That means that you're not! That means that officially you're not!

I tried my best! You little cow!

You're the cow!

-You're the slag! -I'll talk to her.

I could, as well.

I'm a good mother!

Her dad won't look after her any better than I will.

You tell her she'll apologize to me.

Broke me in half, taking her.

If you're gonna look at me like that, you can fuck off n'all.

No, just... when's she gotta go?

Oh fuck off, David.

-You look like a penguin. -Yeah?

-Spoke to Dad this afternoon. -Yeah?

Swap!

I said if he wants me that much,

why don't he come here to live, wouldn't have to be with Mum.

-Do you know what he said? -That he's got a job, so he can't?

There's a great school up here, you'd be really happy...

and you could have David to stay whenever you liked.

Yeah?

Staff kids are barred!

Oh come on, Betty. You know you love us...

If you were paying, there would be no problem.

But you are not paying.

And so management will be after my ass. Come on... off.

-Don't she count mags for resale? -Do I care?

Be good for your tongue...

I can't go, I love it here.

Yeah.

I love it here.

You know the place, you know, don't you? I get this place.

I was a kid in this place. They can't do this to me. Ain't fair.

You'll make friends. New friends, all that.

Well you're rubbish with new people. You don't make any new friends.

Well I'll talk Steve.

Be a long conversation that. He don't like you much.

-I'll be all right. -No, you won't. It's shit!

It's shit for both of us! Why...

Fucking Mum!

-I was sure an alarm would go off. -Yeah.

Don't say yeah... I was a spanner. She hasn't got an alarm.

-She'll know someone's been in know. -You think?

Could get you that mag now if you like.

You're being a real wanker tonight, you know that?

-What? -You're supposed to be my friend!

-Not Captain Sensible. -I'm not Captain.

-You ain't even upset I'm going. -Course I am...

Oh fuck off.

Just fuck off Captain, would ya.

-Fine, I'll fuck off then. -No, I'm not Captain. Emily!

-Is Emily with you? -Oh hi Steve. You fancy a slide?

She's not here, is she?

Is something wrong?

-She didn't come home last night. -No?

Don't get jumpy. Probably kipped somewhere.

Someone broke into the shop...

So Sharon's thought this thing where Emily's nicked money and scarpered.

Too right, right. Come on kid, on the bike.

I'm taking you to Sharon's.

Come on David, she's worried.

-Get on the back. -What?

On the back of the bike.

I fucking wonder about you sometimes, you know that?

No, just callin' to see if she was with you.

Yeah. Okay. Okay.

-She weren't with David? -Took some finding with him.

-She's not round the park. -Right...

She's just trying to piss you off.

She'll be back tomorrow.

-Put it out of your mind, is best. -Yeah.

I could do some phoning, for the people who might lie to you.

No, love. Steve's right, she's just angry with me, isn't she.

It don't take Mystic Meg to work that one out.

I cashed up last night though. Almost wished I hadn't.

What she gonna do without cash?

-She wouldn't take your money. -She'll be back.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen...

-Hi, David. Here to see your old dad? -No.

-You found her? -Uh no.

So you're looking here. I haven't seen her about.

...cause I am a deeply loving man...

No, I just wanted to talk to you.

I know what she'll do. She'll stay away two nights and then come back.

She wouldn't so one night. She'd think that we weren't trying hard enough.

-Silly cow's doing it for attention. -... my son David! Come on, Davey.

Come up on stage and join your old Dad.

-Come on, man. -Come on, there you go.

I just want to hang out with you.

-And do what? -Have a beer?

David! David!

David! David!

Don't worry, she'll be back.

Ladies and gentlemen, my lovely son David.

Be careful you don't fall and get the point,

you could have your eye out.

It's a joke...

I love my son, ladies and gentlemen.

Since he's been around, he's givin me all I need.

Every night of the week and a smooch for the weekend.

This one's for you kid.

I used to wake up with you in my arms.

Your sweet lips... give me all that I need.

Your skin so lovely...

Come lie down close next to me.

Okay...

That's the provisional report. We'll file officially in... 14 hours.

That's a posh way of saying you won't do it now.

We don't file til 48 hours, Sharon, you know that.

Besides, she'll probably be back home before you are.

-Couple of hours tops. -She's been gone two nights.

And this one... ...he never leaves her side.

Nine times out of ten, ten times out of ten. This is just a runaway.

Will you tell her I know my own daughter?

Not away this long, okay?

Is there anything we can do while waiting?

We could make posters, just cheap ones.

-No, nothing so specific yet. -Will you shut the fuck up?

-Swearing at me won't help, okay? -Oh red rag day, is it?

You're supposed to be a professional, you know that?

-Come on now, let's go. -Don't hold me.

-We can make posters, Sharon. -Yeah. Okay.

-David... -What?

I'm okay.

-Is that the school photo? -Yeah about 6 months ago.

Right, looks just like you in it.

You reckon Maureen'll run off a few of these on the photocopier?

Sure, yeah. You want me to run you around?

-Oh yeah, would you? -Yeah.

Lock up, David.

-Good catch. -Okay.

Come on, Steven.

-No one followed ya? -No.

-Cause you're early. You know that? -No.