Once Upon a Crime

Buon giorno. You have reached Pope John Paul II.

I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave...

your name and a number after the sound of the beep...

I'll get back to you as soon as heavenly possible.

Remember, please wait for the beep.

Here she comes.

Hello, Marcello? This is Phoebe. I've been walking the streets...

trying to figure out exactly what I want to say...

and I finally figured out what I do want to say...

so I'll just say it the way I figured it out, OK?

I'm here in Rome. I spent every cent I had to get here...

so we could spend the rest of our lives together.

Does that ring a bell, Marcello?

Honest to God, I really thought you were different.

When you said you loved me that night by the pool...

I believed you.

I actually believe people when they say things like that.

Yep, I bought it! Old Phoebe gets burned again...

but what else is new? So, hey, I'm rambling, and...

I'm having a bad day.

Hey! That's my lunch!

Oh, God! Ruined a perfectly good bun!

I have nothing more to give! I'm sorry.

I remember the day you signed me.

You said I'd be the next Al Pacino.

But if you don't land me a job...

before my next rent check is due, I'm in serious trouble.

I think you should find another agent...I'm sorry, Julian.

I should be the one to apologize.

You know me. I'm a chronic whiner.

It's like a hobby with me. You know that.

Good-bye, Julian. I wish you the best.

You're making a big mistake, Carla.

I'll tell you what, honey. I'll give you the whole weekend.

Think about it. I'll call you Monday, all right?

If they haven't disconnected my phone by then.

What am I, sitting on a Milk Bone now?

Will you get outta here?

Does somebody own this thing, or what?

At least when I get back home, I can do summer stock...

a road show...maybe Cats again. Ever see that?

You would love that. You know you're a very good listener?

Why can't you be a woman? Whoa! Look at you!

Your mommy must be very loaded, huh? Yo! Monte Carlo!

There she is. I've been looking all over for you.

Scusi, signore. Mio cane. - This is your dog?

Oh. You're American. - Julian Peters.

Phoebe. - Phoebe what?

Phoebe. Just Phoebe. - Just Phoebe?

Like what, just Cher? - Just Phoebe, like...

"I don't want you to know the rest of my name" just Phoebe.

Could I please have the dog?

"Just Phoebe," I don't think she's your dog.

She is mine. - She can't be.

Why would you say that? - She's a he.

So I made a mistake. Look...

the dog is lost, and it's my aunt's...

and I'm returning the dog to her.

So could I please have the damn dog?

Uh-huh. Got a minute? - No.

Come on, have a seat. I'll buy you something.

Want some water? You like bubbles?

I'll get you mineral water or something.

You know, I'm an actor.

And I study, you know, human behavior.

And I smell money here. Monte Carlo money.

I smell big reward. - What do you want?

50-50.

70-30, but on the condition you don't speak to me once...

during the entire trip.

70-30 is hardly worth my time.

I'm in show business. I make that in an hour.

60-40, you got a deal.

How come your eyes are so red? Have you been crying?

A guy? You involved? -65-35, and I up my end...

every time you open your mouth.

Yes! Red! Odd! Yes! Marilyn, I'm hot.

I'm up 16 million bucks.

Every minute we're not in Monte Carlo, we're losing a fortune.

Boy, if the casino knew I had this system...

they'd hire hit men to stop me.

Why would someone sell you a foolproof system for $3.00?

$2.00. I talked the guy down, remember?

If it's so great, why didn't he use it himself?

Marilyn, I told you, he was barred from the casino.

The man was a mathematician.

Neil, he was counting on his fingers.

That was the liquor. We caught him at a bad moment.

Don't second-guess me, Marilyn. You're out of your league.

I see an opportunity, I go for it.

What difference does it make?

I could've bought it off a horse. The system works.

There is no system for roulette. None. Believe me.

The only way to win in a casino is not to gamble.

Forgive me. My name is Morosco, Augie Morosco...

and I've been a gambler my entire life.

I used to own 3 restaurants in New York.

I lost them all at roulette.

Then I went to Gamblers Anonymous...

and discovered gambling was a disease.

Thankfully, they cured me. - If you're not a gambler...

how come you're on a train to Monte Carlo?

My wife is there on holidays. She got me back in the business.

Extremely wealthy. - So you married for money?

I did no such thing. I married for lots of money.

Enjoy your stay in Monte Carlo. Think about what I said.

You've got your health, a lovely woman. Don't gamble.

Come. You're a cute little guy, yes.

Up you go, there you go. - What a charming guy.

Good evening. - Good evening.

Excuse me! That's my dog!

What are you doing with my dog?

You must be mistaken. This is my dog.

No, you're mistaken. I found this dog this morning in Rome.

I bought him an hour ago in the club car.

No, wait! That's impossible. Who'd you buy him from?

Some American. Now, if you'll excuse me...

we'll be arriving soon in Ventimiglia...

and I haven't completed my toilette.

So, what else?

Hey, you might have seen me in Godfather III.

Major motion picture. Granted, it was a small part...

but I got very good notices.

You sold the dog?

I not only sold the dog-- excuse me, darlin'--

I not only sold the dog, but I got $6,000.

That's $1,000 more than the woman who owns him would pay.

You would've done the same thing.

No, Julian, I wouldn't have. He's not ours to sell.

We promised that woman we'd return her dog!

I don't believe in making promises I can't keep.

I don't see my name on that check.

Who should he make it out to, "Julian Peters and Phoebe"?

What are we, a trapeze act?

I was going to share the money with you.

Yeah, right.

Yes! This is the man.

Here's your check. Sorry for the confusion.

Oh, there's no confusion.

I don't want the check. I want the dog.

You can buy 10 dogs for that price. Why this one?

My wife has a female of this breed.

She was looking for a male. Apparently, I won't do.

Mister, I need this dog. Please take your check back.

I'm sorry. A deal is a deal.

Besides, I already promised the dog he'd get laid.

Customs. Whose dog is this?

Mine. -It's ours.

As you can see, sir, the dog belongs to me.

Do you have the dog's papers?

Papers?

If you don't have papers, you must leave the train...

and have the dog examined by a veterinary authority.

It's their dog.

I was just letting him lick me.

Good night. - Get your luggage, please.

Get the bags. You-hon, signore'!

I'm still interested in the dog.

Would you excuse me? I'm being kicked off this train.

I'd like to ask the conductor to slow down.

If the owner should have a change of heart...

come to me in Monte Carlo.

I'll take the dog off your hands.

Augie Morosco. L'Hotel de Paris.

Thank you.

Madame Van Dougen? This is Julian Peters again.

No, we just got held up...

because we had to have a veterinarian examine him...

because we didn't have his papers.

A veterinarian, uh, to ex-- a doctor de puppy.

Right, so we can cross the border.

No, he's in perfect health, he really is.

Of course he's here. No, he's at a cafe.

You want to talk to him? All right, sure.

Hang on. Nice life.

You hear that? He lit up at the sound of your voice.

Listen, we missed the last train, so we have to take a bus.

A busso. Bustee. Bussee. The bus, right.

So we'll be there in a while, about 1:00.

We can come over, but isn't that a little late for--

Madame Van Dougen? Are you sick?

Is she having sex now?

Are you OK?

Can you just talk a little slower?

I'm having trouble understanding.

Madame Van Dougen? Hello?

Neil, you're missing this! It's so beautiful!

It's so romantic... - Romantic, right.

Look, honey, you're going to take forever.

Why don't you just meet me in the casino?

I'll only be a couple of minutes.

Marilyn, don't torture me. You make me sit here...

while you figure out what you're gonna wear!

Come on, I'm itching to hit the tables!

Neil, is that our trip money?

I'm not leaving $5,000 in cash in a hotel room.

We're in Europe. These people rob you blind.

Neil, promise me you won't gamble with our trip money.

I promise, I promise! - OK!

Like I'm going to blow $5,000 gambling.