Jimmy Carr: The Best of Ultimate Gold Greatest Hits

Someone came up to me in the street and said, "Are you Jimmy Carr,

or do you just look like Jimmy Carr?"

I said, "Both."

I've been described as the hardest-working man in comedy,

which is... not that impressive, is it?

I mean, "the hardest-working man," that's good,

but "in comedy" takes the shine off that compliment.

The hardest-working man in comedy.

It's like being the best-looking guy

in the burns unit.

No offense to any burns victims we have here.

Are there any burns victims in?

I mean, if there's one, there'll be loads. They tend to stick together.

And we're off!

That's a very good reaction to that joke,

because that joke is very much a canary in the mine.

That is there to test the air.

If you're sat there thinking, "That was funny,"

you're in for a lovely evening.

If you're thinking, "That was a bit much, actually..."

It's going to be a fucking long night for you.

Do you know the average person laughs out loud

ten times a day?

Not everyone, obviously.

If you work in a hospice or with learning disabled adults...

it could be ten times that.

Sky's the limit. Dare to dream.

They say that laughter is the best medicine.

So maybe, just maybe,

if we all keep laughing at people in wheelchairs...

You look slightly concerned there, madam.

Let me just take a moment to reassure you.

During that last joke,

no-one in a wheelchair has ever walked out.

Look, before we start properly,

we should probably talk about how PC works in comedy,

because there are rules and regulations that govern what I can

and what I can't say up here on stage.

So basically, how PC works in comedy is,

if you're directly involved or affected by something,

you get a free pass.

You're allowed to joke about that thing.

So, for example, disabled people could joke about disability.

Homosexual people could joke about being gay.

Black or Asian people could joke about race.

Those are the rules.

So these two pedophiles walk into a park...

What?

A lot of people don't think pedophiles

should be allowed to live anywhere near schools.

But it does reduce their carbon footprint.

If you're scared of pedophiles...

grow up.

Now, I don't want to offend anyone here this evening with my language.

I know certain people have got certain words they just don't like.

So to avoid causing offense unnecessarily tonight,

if I refer to a vagina at any point, which I'm bound to do...

You know the kind of comedian I am.

But if I refer to a vagina at any point this evening, I'll call it...

What's the least offensive term? Front bottom?

No-one's offended by the term "front bottom," are they?

So, for this evening, "front bottom" and "back cunt."

Let's keep this classy, shall we?

When Donald Trump first took to office,

little did he know...

Trump ran on wanting to build a wall.

And I think that's his one good idea, because walls work.

It's irrefutable. Yeah.

I was in China last year. I didn't see one Mexican.

When I was younger, I couldn't talk to women,

because I was hiding in their wardrobes masturbating.

It's very difficult to get the first kiss right.

You want to be firm, but gentle.

You want to be manly,

you don't want to wake her up.

You've got to be very careful with jokes,

especially gentlemen.

Men get carried away with jokes.

Men joke in inopportune situations.

Men often joke in the bedroom.

That's never a good idea.

Yeah, it's quite funny to say to a girl who's going down on you,

"It's rude to talk with your mouth full."

But it's even funnier if she says,

"Well, it's not full."

I had a friend that used to self-harm,

because he was bullied.

I used to think...

"Whose side are you on?"

If there's a fight, I let my fists do the talking.

"Please don't hurt me."

If a giant ape and a table tennis champion got into an argument

over a karaoke machine in the Far East...

would the newspaper headline be:

"Hong Kong Ping Pong King Kong Sing-Song Ding Dong"?

That's quite a silly joke.

I was trying to write the shortest joke possible, so I wrote a four-word joke.

Venison's dear, isn't it?

Then a three-word joke.

Stationery store moves.

And then a blink and you'll miss it, two-word joke.

Dwarf shortage.

I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs.

Very little.

Truth be told, I fucking love dwarfs,

but I never tell them that I love them,

because I don't want them to get big-headed.

I was in Brussels last year doing shows

and something interesting happened when I was in Brussels,

which you don't get to say every day.

They had a baby panda in Brussels Zoo.

Aww.

And they told you on the news

how they make baby pandas.

Yeah. It's not how you think.

It's not a mommy panda and a daddy panda fucking.

Pandas are not down to fuck.

They're sort of like the opposite of girls from Dublin.

There's a look of civic pride there from some of the ladies.

A look as if to say, "We do like the D."

So if you want to have a baby panda,

what you do is you phone up the Chinese authorities.

All pandas in the world are Chinese.

They'll lend you a panda.

They're not giving away their pandas.

So you phone up the Chinese authorities,

they send over a panda fertility expert.

Here's where it gets interesting.

This panda fertility expert brings with him, in his luggage,

a full-size, man-size,

dress-up, zip-up panda outfit,

replete with enormous panda head.

Who knew?

That's not his name. I'm saying I did not know that.

So he flies to Brussels, he's got the outfit with him,

he says hello to everyone at Brussels Zoo,

friendly enough, as well he might be,

and then it's right down to business.

He dresses up from head to toe as a panda,

pops on his big panda head,

walks into Mr. Panda's enclosure

dressed from head to toe as a panda

and he, uh...

He wanks off Mr. Panda.

Dressed as a panda.

So if anyone here's thinking, "Oh, I've had a tough week at work..."

Have you?

Have you, though?

Did you wank off a panda?

No, you fucking didn't.

So he wanks off a panda, dressed as a panda.

Incidentally, that is the day to visit the zoo. Am I right?

"Come here, kids. You're not going to believe this.

I don't think that one's even a real panda."

So he wanks off a panda, dressed as a panda,

they collect the panda semen...

Obviously. Otherwise, what just happened?

"Who was that bloke?"

"I thought he was with you."

"Shit, it's happened again."

So they collect the panda semen and then they wait.

They wait until the female panda is asleep in her enclosure.

And then they creep into the female panda's enclosure as she sleeps

and they artificially inseminate the female panda as she sleeps.

I'm not sure who does that.

I presume Bill Cosby.

I bloody love show business.

Every night after the show,

I have attractive women banging on my dressing room door,

and sometimes...

I let them out.

Are you alright at the back? How are the people up there?

Excellent news.

Sometimes, if I see a show, if I'm at the back of the room,

I've got a weird fear of missing out.

I feel like, "Are people having more fun down here than we're having at the back?"

But there's advantages to sitting at the back,

because you get more of a sense of occasion,

more of a sense of people coming together

and sharing a sense of humor,

that great music hall spirit.

You get more of a sense of that from the back of the room.

And the other advantage to sitting at the back

is this sort of thing won't happen.

I fucked your mum.

That's not going to happen to any of you.

I've got nothing but respect for your mums.

Hard-working, decent women.

I still owe your mum 20 Euro.

That's right. I paid for everyone.

Sorry, I've been terribly rude there. Sir, what's your name?

Shane. What do you do, Shane?

I'm still in school.

You're in school?

How old are you, Shane?

Eighteen. You're 18?

Okay, Shane. And who are you here with, Shane?

My dad. Your dad?

No.

No, Shane.