American Ultra

Where do you want to begin?

Dustpan...

Spoon...

Noodles...

Bear...

Frying pan...

Fire. Apollo Ape. "Marry Me."

Where did it all begin?

Okay, it started three days ago.

Ln the town of Liman, West Virginia.

It's where I lived with my girlfriend, Phoebe.

She is the only good thing that's ever happened to me.

I honestly cannot even remember my life before her.

We were the perfect fucked-up couple.

She was perfect, and I was the fuck-up.

And we were really, really happy.

And I wanted to make it forever, so I saved up for the perfect ring.

And I planned the perfect romantic trip to surprise her.

And then I fucked that up, too.

This is the final boarding call for Flight 1204,

departing for Oahu, Hawaii.

I repeat, this is the final boarding call for Flight 1204,

departing for Oahu, Hawaii.

Now boarding all rows and all zones.

All passengers should be onboard at this time.

God damn it, Mike, come on.

All passengers please proceed to the gate.

I really am sorry, Phoebe.

I really thought I could beat the panic attacks this time.

It's okay.

- It's not. - No, it's fine.

No, it's not fine.

This is something I really wanted to do for you.

Then I ruined it and now we're going back home.

- You didn't ruin this. - Yes, I did. It's my fault.

You should be mad at me...

- No. - Why not?

- You can't help it, Mike... - Okay. Thanks.

Shit.

Jesus.

Are you holding?

No, of course not. We were going on a plane.

Why would I...

You holding?

Yeah.

Sorry.

- Hi, Phoebe. - Hey.

- Hi, Mike. - Hey.

Heard you two were going on vacation.

Hawaii.

Get another one of your little episodes there, Mike?

You know, Phoebe.

I once had to drive your boy home

'cause he was having one of them panic attacks up on the freeway,

trying to leave town.

Is there a reason that you pulled us over?

Hey, easy on the tone, Miss Larson.

I'd hate to have to search this car.

It's getting to the point where your boyfriend

should start leaving a toothbrush at the overnight down at the station.

Ain't that right, Mike?

That's right, Sheriff Watts.

Well, just wanted to welcome you back to town.

I'll get the bags.

Hey, Phoebe, do you want an omelet?

This could be the right moment.

Hey, Mikey?

Is this okay? I think this...

- What the fuck! - Phoebe, no, I'm sorry.

Did you burn your hand?

Just let me do the cooking, okay?

- I will. Sorry. - Stop apologizing.

Okay.

Apollo Ape...

I got you.

No, what do you think you're doing?

Hey, honey, no, I just wanted to tell you

I had, like, a really funny idea for Apollo Ape.

That's cool, what is it?

How the fuck am I supposed to read this?

Hey. Hello there.

You're here late, Lasseter.

You're not my assistant anymore, Petey. What are you doing down here?

I know, I just miss ya.

Come on, you're not at the big desk anymore, you can let a few things slide.

Enough, Agent Douglas.

Okay, I'm leaving. Do you need anything before I...

Lasseter.

The Ultra Program Tough guy is active.

Wiseman asset Howell is the target.

- What? - He'll be eliminated within 24 hours.

This is American soil, they can't do that.

We promised to protect him. Who is it? Yates?

The operation is in progress.

You're being informed as a courtesy.

- Who is this? - Do not interfere.

Have a nice evening.

So Apollo Ape and Chip the Brick are, like,

"Hey, what the heck happened?" You know?

And then they find out that Spicy Tomato was in charge of the resistance.

Okay, but what they didn't find out,

which they'll find out in the next book, is that Fido Astro is also in on it.

No. Dude.

I know.

I feel so betrayed.

Do you get it? It's because he's man's best friend, not monkey's best friend.

Of course. I mean, in hindsight it makes total sense to me.

- It's just that... - He's a dog.

You should write it down, I'm telling you.

I don't know, I mean, I really just like thinking about it

and like talking about it.

Apollo Ape and his adventures.

No, I love when you talk about it.

I think other people would love it, too.

Like, even...

Like, they might love to read it if you wrote it down, seriously.

Do something really real with it.

You know what skives me out, Pheebs?

What?

That car down there has moved so much.

Like it was built in a factory, you know, on a production line.

And then it was like shipped, like, here.

And like, then this guy drove it all over the place.

Yeah, exactly.

But all that time, like for years,

or really for, like, decades really,

this one tree has been sitting in this one place

not doing anything until tonight, when it, like, stopped the car.

- Yeah? - Okay, so this car is always going.

And that tree is always just, like, stopping. You know?

Like, it's just been stopping there for years

until tonight when it met something that it didn't want to keep going,

and it was just like, "No. You're stopping, too."

And then this tree that has never done anything, is fucking, like...

Like, destroying this beautiful...

Like, really beautiful and fast-moving thing.

Why? Why are you crying?

Because, Phoebe, like...

Am I that tree?

No.

No.

I think I'm that tree. And I think...

I think you're the car. And I think I'm stopping you.

- You are not the tree. - Okay.

I love you.

Phoebe, I really am sorry about Hawaii.

It's okay, honestly.

I totally over-reacted. I was really upset.

It's not going to be like this always, you know.

Mike, you're like...

...the strongest, kindest person I've ever met in my whole life.

I fucking love you.

- You're a fucking mess, man. - I know.

- Yates! - For Christ's sake.

Yes, Victoria?

I need to speak with you right now.

Okay, I guess we were pretty much done here.

Thanks, guys.

Stop avoiding me.

I've got word that Tough guy is moving in on my old Wiseman asset.

What is Tough guy?

- And where did you hear that? - Is it true?

It doesn't concern you. Okay?

Wiseman was my baby.

Yeah, and it's still-born. So, what are you crying about?

So you're coming after my still-born baby?

Let's finish this in my office.

I don't understand why you're so upset here.

Aren't you the one who shut down the program?

Yeah, because it was a flawed model.

Because we were hurting people.

I didn't expect your yuppie ass to come riding in on a vulture

and pick at the bones of my operation.

I was made supervisor fair and square.

You were made a temporary supervisor because you kissed the right asses.

Because I'm the right man for the job.

According to who? Daffy Duck?

Daffy Duck...

I guess I'm doing something right because I've had the job for about two years.

Yeah, it should have been two months.

You're supposed to protect these assets. Not kill them!

Victoria, we're clearing the portfolio.

- What? - Mike Howell keeps trying to leave town.

He needs to be eliminated.

You're going to kill him for trying to leave town?

That's a security breach. I'm just doing my job.

He's a human being.

- They're assets. - He's an American citizen.

They're government property.

Are you actually fucking insane?

Language.

Listen to me, King Idiot!

If you think I'm just going to sit back...

No, you listen to me, you snipey overbearing bitch!

Howell dies today!

Yeah. And you can't do shit. What are you going to do?

You going to go over me?

You're my fucking dog here, okay?

Sit. Stay. Behave.

Now get the fuck out of my fucking office!