What We Do in the Shadows

Something is wrong with Gizmo lately.

He's morose, distracted.

Like a man with a secret.

I mean, he's still a perfectly adequate familiar.

But there's just something not right about him.

What it is, I don't know,

but I intend to find out.

So we're all here. That's good.

-If I can have your undivided attention - What?

-for a few minutes? -Absolutely not. - No.

So, aren't you actually a vampire now?

-Hmm? -Didn't you pay your friend Derek

-to turn you into a-- -We're not talking about that right now.

He's behaving unusually.

If there's anyone that can get

to the bottom of this kind of thing, it's me.

Why? 'Cause I'm the king of bottoms.

-As I was saying-- Couple of questions. First one:

-Why? And also, -Okay, you know what?

-who gives you the right? Okay, I was just--

I have a follow-up to that.

Okay.

Yeah.

Nadja, Laszlo, Colin Robinson, please.

I would like to hear what Guillermo has to say.

A lot has changed

since you last saw me.

I'm in a really good place.

And it is all thanks to an ancient book of wisdom

I discovered that laid buried in Laszlo's

library of precious volumes for years and years.

This book has

taught me to focus on what is really important,

like who is okay and who is not okay.

Thank you for sharing, Guillermo.

You are okay.

-I didn't say anything yet. -Then that is okay.

Okay. I want to talk about something very important.

If this about my sexual intercourse,

I saw the doctor and took the test.

No, that was a Cosmo quiz that you took

called "Which Sex and the City Icon Are You?"

-And I was Kim Cattrall. -Ooh.

-Ooh. - Now, I haven't got a clue who

that is, but as long as she's sexy

and down to fuck, bingo.

-Fine diagnosis. Okay, the thing I want to talk about is

-vampire safety. -Go on.

You're all becoming very sloppy

covering your vampirisms in public, okay?

It's becoming very dangerous.

What is the big deal?

If anyone notices, we just hypnotize them

-like we always do. No,

you've been doing that way too much lately.

Yes, but I have getting really okay at it.

-You okay? -I am fine.

No, no, no. No, no.

You will all forget

that someone tripped and who it was.

I just fear that the hypnosis is making

the borough dumber and dumber.

We live in Staten Island. Nobody will notice.

There are just some things you will never understand

-because you're not a vampire. - Yeah.

- Very good point. - Precisely.

But even if I was a vampire, I--

We are not laughing with you, we are laughing at you.

You know what? Enough, okay?

Don't count on me to always be here to protect you.

I'm not gonna be around forever.

Really? Where will you go, David Attenborough?

Right now? -Yes.

-Out of this room. -Oh, finally.

And that is okay.

Look, guys, please, can I just have, like, a minute?

Please, can-- You know what, fine.

Fine. Let's get this over with.

Lock the door.

Lock the-- Please look the door.

So, yeah, 16 days ago,

I made an impulsive decision to have Derek...

Make me a vampire.

Sure, man.

-Oh. Whoa. Not yet, sorry. - Just a...

I know, but just gonna take my...

-cardigan off. -Yeah, of course, of course.

Just don't want anything on it.

-My grandma gave it to me. -Mm.

And...

I was a little nervous at first,

and your first time I guess always... is?

Uh... Okay.

-Here we are. -Yes.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

I'm ready.

Derek,

customer toilet is clogged again.

You know what? I got to take care of this.

Wait, what? Now?

If I don't do it now, people just go

on top of what's already there, and believe me,

-then no one's happy. -Derek,

later. After...

Oh, yes, of course, yes.

You know what? Trevor's always telling me

I have bad task management

skills, you know?

First, turn you into a vampire.

-Yes. -Then I'll clean the toilets.

I'm ready.

Derek moved in,

and finally--

What are you doing?

Just... showing off your... your sound machine.

Why do you have it on

"rainy night at the leaky castle" setting?

Ah...

The creatures of the night.

Such beautiful music they make.

It also has a setting for "banshee wail"

-It's white noise. -and "abandoned orphanage."

"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."

-Very creepy. -Master, is there something that

you needed to discuss with me?

Yes.

There is.

Guillermo...

we know why you have been acting so

oddly lately.

-You do? -Mm.

Are you-are you mad?

Yes.

We are mad at ourselves

for forgetting your birthday.

I am okay and you are okay, but this is not okay.

For a human,

a birthday is a terrible day.

-We have forgotten his birthday. -Oh, yes.

No, I really don't think it's about his birthday.

And if it is, what a bitch.

-When is his birthday? -Uh...

I don't know, to be honest.

Poor creatures only live for, like,

two, 300 years, tops.

So we are taking you out for a birthday dinner.

Change into your nicest shitty sweater

-and we will see you at the restaurant. -What...

What restaurant?

So, full disclosure:

I am back in the workforce.

I'm Colin Robinson. I'll be taking your order today.

So, what are we thinking about munching on?

I decided to take a break from the office life.

How about we set you two up with some pro-sexy?

It's a fun way of saying prosecco.

Prosecco is...

Simply because the opportunities to feed

in the service industry are so incredible.

Dressing on the side. Ugh.

Uh, I can ask the chef,

but it's probably a no go.

-I hate to see you cry. -I'm not crying.

I just... I want...

Pardon my reach.

Oops.

Just wanted to check in on you two,

see how everything's tasting.

Think about desert.

-Strip steak. -Uh-huh.

Medium-well.

The Caesar salad but with no croutons.

Are you sure you're getting all this?

Yeah, I-I never write anything down.

I got it. I think I know you want.

Bon appétit.

Hey, folks, my name is Colin.

I'll be your server this evening.

Has your whole party arrived?

No. Tonight, Gizmo arrives upon an Uber.

-Mm-hmm. -Okay. They're really not supposed to

seat you until your entire party has arrived.

Can I ask you to go stand in the crowded alcove

where the cigarette smoke comes in?

Fuck off. Just get us anything

so it looks like we're eating.

Okey dokey, jalapeño poppers, jalapeño poppers,

jalapeño poppers,

and one more per la tavola.

Koúkla mou, do you want to come up and join us?

-No, I hate you and I want to die.

When I was running the vampire nightclub

I may have got a little bit

too much into the old, uh,

liquor blood.

And then, one night, I got so shit off my faced...

...that I sat on my dolly

and I minced her legs with my wagon.

Don't be such a Debbie Downer.

-Come and join in the human birthday party. -Yes, eh?