Rick and Morty

Are we -- are we gonna put it back when we're done with it?

Why? The only thing of value on it is the secret treasure map.

The rest is just instructions for running a country,

And I'm pretty sure they're online.

It just feels a little wrong --

Morty, are you gonna be a america nerd

Or are you gonna be cool

And steal the constitution with grandpa?

Here, hold this while I crack the hermetic seal.

W-why not just use this again?

Morty! You just destroyed the map

And activated the giant assassin hidden in the statue of liberty!

I'm sorry -- w-wait, what?

It was a trojan horse, morty. Never trust the french.

Alright, fun's fun, but now the federal government's

Gonna be pissed again. Way to go.

And on america's birthday

Or whatever the thanksgiving is.

Seal team leader: Rick and morty!

You are under arrest and surrounded

By an anti-portal shimmer!

Come out with your hands up!

Well, happy thanksgiving to me.

Can't wait to see what a "shimmer" does to my prostate.

Dad, can you please just end whatever this is --

I understand you're upset, mr. President.

It's honestly all morty's fault.

But in the meantime, you really want to keep your army

Of pointlessly camouflaged eagle scouts off my lawn.

Don't tell me what I want, you anti-american

Piece of you terrorist!

You know, you use that word so much

It's lost all meaning, mr. P.

It's like, at this point, what's a terrorist?

It's a guy you don't like. Big deal.

Hoo-rah!

Told you to stand down.

You just lost two soldiers over here. Good men.

Might be time to look at the terrorist in the mirror.

You want a war?!

I'll put your outer-space ass in a goddamn phantom zone

With a bar of kryptonite soap around your neck.

You're done, sanchez! You hear me?

Oof. He's really pissed this time.

Why don't you guys just and get it over with.

Okay, well thank you, summer,

But I think I've got a better option.

Dad, no. Ehh...

Hands are tied, sweetie.

I have to turn myself into a turkey and trick the president

Into giving me a presidential turkey pardon.

Again? How many times have you done this?

I don't know, jerry, how many years have I lived here?

Careful how you answer that.

Geez, rick, y'know, y-you've done this a lot.

Don't you think the president might see it coming this time?

He probably will, morty. That's all part of the dance.

In the past, I've inserted myself

Into the potential turkey pardonee population

By brainwashing the presidential turkey wrangler

Prior to the ceremony.

But this time, the turkey wrangler's been euthanized

And the turkeys will be transported

By armored military vehicles.

Vehicles manufactured by ghost corporations that I control.

-Which we have audited. -Allowing me access to...

-Central computers... -To track the...

Real armored transports, which he can never...

Totally track and sneak aboard.

And even if he does, he'll be on a truck

Full of turkeys and fully armed marines.

Who won't recognize me because the human eye

Is inherently face blind to turkeys.

President: Fortunately, those marines won't have human eyes.

They'll have turkey eyes.

Jesus ever-loving christ, why don't you two

Just and get it over with?

Careful, dwayne. You're only vice president

Because I need 10% of the white vote.

There's a giant french assassin attacking new york,

And you're using the war room to measure dicks

With your alcoholic sci-fi boyfriend?

Rick sanchez is more dangerous

Than some steam-powered french bitch,

And new york can handle its own global emergencies.

General? Initiate operation deep gobble.

Coop, not on thanksgiving.

It's what I trained for, mary lou.

It ain't our fight. Baby.

That little race car driver you got bakin' in your belly.

What world you want him rearin' up in?

One where some... Spiky-haired doctor who

In a lab coat can change the color of the sky?

Or a world where he can fill his pickup with hot dogs

And drive it to a jukebox

Full of our demographic's current favorite music?

Obviously the latter, but --

Well, that world, mary lou, the one with those meals,

Vehicles, and songs people in this 30-mile area prefer...

That world needs a few good men.

In a secret pentagon lab.

Turning into turkeys.

You come back without feathers, coop.

God, I love this country.

Hoooo-ah!

General green: These pills contain tracking chips

That identify each of you as individuals.

That will be important later.

Alright, boys, search every bird.

If sanchez is here, I wanna hear you gobblin'.

Let me look at you, scum.

Get outta here, you wobbleneck.

Sarge, this -- this ain't like the simulation, man.

I don't like it -keep it together, martinez.

Eyes are on the ground, sir.

No sign of einstein. Stay frosty, gentlemen.

I want this pardoning pipeline airtight.

Sir! We have hacked the garage door.

We are in. Eyes on the bogey.

Or you've got eyes on a robot.

All due respect, sir, I know flesh when I see it!

Those flesh-covered robots should buy us some time.

The pardonable turkeys should be on that truck.

Ship, go stealth.

Rodriguez, fincher. Get eyes on that.

Huh. Turkey marines.

The president came to play.

Jam those two radios.

Ship: Confirmed.

ah! Geez!

Fincher, rodriguez, come in!

Copy, copy, tango, all good.

Just a couple of branches on the roof.

Don't ever turn your radio off again.

-We will not surrender. -We will never surrender.

-We will not surrender. -Oh, yeah?

Bring in the david blaine box.

Damn, is that a david blaine box?

I told you we should have just gone to my parents' house.

No, you didn't. Well, I didn't say it out loud,

But it should be well known by now

That I'd always rather be there.

-Oh, god, oh no! -Aw, geez, rick!

Sir, we've got rick and morty inside the box!

Then that confirms it. Sir?

No david blaine box can hold rick sanchez.

Scan the turkey truck!

Huh. That's weird.

Id chips for fincher and rodriguez are glitching.

Sanchez...

I'll deal with this bastard myself.

Sir, don't be a cowboy.

You can't get re-elected dead.

System is calibrated, sir.

That pill contains a tracking chip that will identify --

I know, it'll be important later!

Do it.

Reporter: Moments from now,

The president will be pardoning a turkey...

Home stretch, morty.

Here comes dip right on schedule.

Nothing can go wrong now.

Morty: Jesus, is that -- oh

The president has the upper hand.

G-grandpa up. Sunglasses on.

Act like a turkey. What? Wha-- are you scared?

Act like a turkey!

That's rodriguez and fincher, sir.

It's rick and morty, you useless stump humper!

Sorry, don't tell 10% of your friends I called you that.

Mr. President.

Sanchez, admit it. You lose.

Say it and I'll let your loser ass go.

Did you just try to spit in my face with no saliva gland?

Just pardon me, dick. Why the hell would I?

Oh, I dunno, 'cause if I move to canada,

They'll be the best country!

I'll peck your goddamn eyes out!

Ow! Hey!

Shit! My plume!

Hey, back off!

Blueberries! We got blueberries down!

Hold your positions, it's a feeding frenzy!

I-I can't see.

I mean, I can see.

270 degrees -- it's too many degrees!

Sir, we are losing the mental game down here.

General green: Keep it together, soldier!

Potus is still in that pen --

We just lost new york to France!

Pull out the president right now!

Gobble tango -- I want potus out of that pen!

That is an order! Locate the president's chip!

Roger, roger.

There he is, I got him.

Let's go, boys! Let's fly out the eagle!

Hey, that's not me!

Package is secure. Pull us out.

Computer: Reinjecting subject dna.

Hoppin' jehovah, you look like five pounds of shit