You Might As Well Live

The sun is out

The sky is blue

There's not a cloud

To spoil the view

But it's raining

Raining in my heart

Fuck off!

- Come on, you little bitch! - Fuck off!

The weatherman

Says clear today

He doesn't know

You've gone away

And it's raining

Raining in my heart

Raining in my heart

Robert... Robert?

Robert, please. Robert?

My mind's made up, Hershey.

There ain't nothing you can say to stop me. Nothing at all!

I'm begging you, man. Reconsider.

Everybody in this town hates me.

They treat me like I'm a turd.

- Not everybody hates you. - Fuck you, Robert Mutt!

No, I'm doing it, all right?

- Loser! - I'm offin' myself.

- It's not that bad. - Not that bad?

Robert Mutt was going to be a big shot in this town.

I'm 30 years old and I can't even look myself

in the mirror anymore.

Robert, wait. Please, I'm begging you, man.

Come on down. Back up, all right?

Any closer, Hershey, and you're coming with me.

Tell my mother that I went with dignity.

Woo!

Come on, Robert. I believe in you.

I believe in you.

New record!

Nine of them, George.

That's the new record, right there.

Oh, new record! Nine!

Woo!

- Woo! - Woo!

Come back here, you son of a bitch!

Oh yeah! Woo!

That's a new record right there. New record!

Woo!

Oh, yeah. Pretty impressive stuff, uh?

Yeah, I put back 46 wieners that night.

So you're the new guy, huh?

What was your name, again, Barry?

Oh, Gary. Sorry about that.

Look, I don't know how it was for you, on the outside,

but people, they used to razz me raw.

"Robert Mutt, you're a douche bag."

"You're a jag-off."

"Somebody crapped in the urinals.

Must have been Robert Mutt again," you know?

On and on it went with these...

Hey, George. Uh-huh.

How's it hanging there?

You know, one of two there, Mutt, one of two.

Listen, got a heads-up for you.

There's a new shrink coming down here from Wawa.

Yeah?

Little bird tells me he's something of an air hockey stud.

How do you feel about taking on a doctor?

Come on, George, air hockey's practically my number one sport.

That's what I'm talking about.

Goddamn it! That is what I'm talking about.

Hey, Robert, listen.

When I was at the flea market last week,

I picked you up a little something

and I was going to wait 'til your birthday, but shit,

what the hell? Clinton Manitoba,

Northeastern Inter-County Farm League World Series MVP card.

Oh, George, I needed that one!

I know that.

I am going to hit it out of the park against this Dr. Dildo

just like Clinton Manitoba.

Everyone, it is my great pleasure to welcome

Dr. Hans Everett Pooseby, our brilliant new head specialist.

Dr. Pooseby comes highly recommended

from the asylum near Wawa.

Dr. Pooseby, I think you should just go to it.

Thank you, Elizabeth.

It behooves me to get started immediately.

All right.

Who's got the action here?

Focus... focus.

Oh, hold up! Hold up. Hold up.

Weatherman's on. . - We take you now...

to meteorologist J. Amberson De Whitt

with the local forecast.

It is going to be a chilly one in Riverside tonight.

So you do like your good pal J. Amberson De Whitt

and stay hot

any which way you can.

Hit it!

Oh...

Oh, that weatherman, he is too much!

Yes!

Didn't hear a time-out.

Match point.

You want to be dirty, Pops? I'll get dirty with ya.

Sudden death. Sudden death!

This is ridiculous.

Oh! Oldest trick in the book!

I beat the doctor!

I beat the doctor! I beat the doctor!

He got this Dr. Bozo, big time.

Did you see that, Larry? I beat the doctor!

I beat the doctor!

I beat the doctor!

Now, by allowing Robert to, quote/unquote "win"

this air hockey match,

I forced him into actualizing happiness and self-worth

thereby obliterating his depression.

What? He said he lost to me on purpose?

No way, buddy. I beat you fair and square.

Do you hear the passion in this man's voice?

I mean, he may be delusional about his prowess in air hockey

but he's clearly no longer depressed.

I think we have a man ready to re-enter society.

Re-enter society? What, are you nuts?

Come on! Open the door.

Fuck you, Robert Mutt!

Oh, I see you in there.

Public property!

I can stay here as long as I want to and you can't stop me!

Public property.

Yeah, but you got to keep movin' or they'll nail you for lewd vagrancy.

Hey, Robert.

Oh, George! George, you have got to help me.

You've got to help me, George.

They told me to come out here

and shove this tranq in your ass

and put you on the next bus back home.

But George, I don't want to go back.

I don't want to go back. You gotta help me.

You remember that contest I had,

where you had to guess how many jelly beans were in that jar?

- Yeah. - How many did you guess?

Five hundred and thirty-seven.

And how many were in that jar?

- Five hundred and forty-three. - Exactly.

You missed by six lousy beans.

Yeah. I won that contest.

I won that contest and I ate all them jelly beans that night.

And by doing it, you proved to me

that you were a real somebody.

Now you gotta go out there and prove it to everybody else.

I can't hack it, George.

Yeah, you can. You know why?

Because Robert Mutt...

is a real somebody.

Say it.

Come on, say it.

Robert Mutt is a real somebody.

Can I get a little mustard on that hotdog?

Robert Mutt is a real somebody.

Robert Mutt is a real somebody!

Yeah, Robert Mutt is a real somebody!

You go on out there and prove it to 'em.

Okey dokey, George. I'll do it.

But George, just one thing. What's that, good buddy?

Will you shove that tranq in my ass and put me on the next bus home?

You got it.

Oh!

He's got a big heart.

God help him.

Oh, God!

Fuckin' cunt.

I want to get off, please!

Fuckin' psycho.

I'd like to get off, please! Can I please get off now?

. Douche bag!

Robert Mutt is not a douche bag.

. Douche bag! Douche bag! Douche bag!

Howdy partner.

You wouldn't be willing to rent me your wheels

for a little while, would you, huh?

Okay, look. I have got a double.

This Clinton Manitoba rookie card, near mint. Hmm?

Is that a sucker you got there?

Oh, yeah. Sure is.

That's unopened.

Strawberry-banana, I believe.

I live at 647 West Locust Drive.

You come by later, pick up your bike

and I'd be willing to give you a load of these suckers for your trouble.

Hello, young man! Oh!

Oh... My pants fell down.

Wanna smell my flower, hmm? No, not really.

Oh!

You got all wet.

He got all wet.

Oh, my little friend.

Oh, naughty boy.

Fuck me.

Fiona, get in the house right now!