Family Guy

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Doing laundry and drinking beer.

I'm sorry.

Doing laundry and drinking beer?

Quahog welcomes Duds & Suds,

a new laundromat that serves beer.

So if you want to drink and watch your kid's teacher wash

his only pair of pants, get on down there.

- Ah, cool! - We should go!

Nothing better than putting on a warm diaper

right out of the dryer.

Ah, I'm okay! Let's go again!

Shut up! Shut up!

What's the problem?

What day is it?

Wednesday?

Aka, the one day a week I have independent study

first period and get to sleep in!

So shut up!

Stewie, when I was over visiting Grandma and Grandpa,

humiliating myself to ask them

to keep paying for your preschool...

I know you don't understand me, but I understand you.

I found Chi-Chi!

He's like your doll, Reuben.

I know, I know, I know.

You called Joanna "Joanne" the other day, it happens.

He was always very special to me,

now I want him to be very special to you.

What is she even talking about?

- Toy! - Toy? Oh, oh, toy!

Oh, well, why didn't you say so?

- Yay, toy! - Yay, toy!

Shut! Up!

I'm so sorry, Chris!

I forgot it was Wednesday!

Oh, sorry, where are my manners?

Chi-Chi, this is Reuben... Uh, Rupert!

Rupert! I-I meant... I meant Rupert.

You know that.

I know it's not ideal that he's here,

but I can't just throw him out.

Lois would be crushed.

She has, like, nothing in her life.

Of course I saw his Bible,

that's the first thing I saw.

Hey, check it out.

You and Peter have the same undies.

What are you talking about?

He just wears run-of-the-mill Hanes.

Yours aren't Hanes?

No, mine are Planes.

All pilots wear them.

Look at that, Planes.

"The perfect underwear for unexpected wind shear."

- Is that, like, farts? - Yes, that's like farts.

Oh, hello, Doug.

- Can I sit here? - I don't care.

My stop is next.

I assume you're taking this to the end of the line?

Out to the land of cheap rents and tract housing?

My stop's pretty soon, too.

What's on your shoes?

Oh. These are called laces.

I doubt you've ever heard of them, Mr. Velcro.

I know about laces! I've just never seen black ones.

Geez. Why are you always such a dick?

Takes one to know one.

Where did you learn that? That's great!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That-that wasn't about you.

I... I'm just...

There's-there's stuff going on at home.

I'd love to hear about it, though fair warning:

I know little of lower-middle class plight.

Eh, it's just this new stuffed monkey Chi-Chi's making waves

with my old stuffy.

I keep trying to get rid of the monkey,

but my mom keeps finding him... And I can tell you're bored.

Far from it, Stewie. I feel for you.

That actually sounds like what I'm going through

with Miss Tiggywinkles.

- Really? - Yeah.

It's really wearing on me.

Hey, I just had a crazy idea.

We might be able to help each other out.

How's that?

Two fellas meet on a train,

and do each other's murders.

I kill Chi-Chi, you kill Miss Tiggywinkles.

Nobody could ever connect us to the crimes.

Crisscross.

You've got yourself a deal!

Great. Well, this is my stop.

No, no, no! You can't! You can't! That's hot lava!

Whoa. That was close.

Giggity morning, everyone.

Lois, can I see you in the other room for a second?

- Sure. - All right!

Peter, what would you like for breakfast?

Chocolate chip pancakes.

Lois, can I see you in the other room for a second?

So... Whew.

Uh, what did you want?

- Uh, wa-waffles? - Yeah, sure.

Lois, can I see you in the other room for a second?

I couldn't perform a third time, so we just read.

Morning, beautiful.

I had the Uber guy sleep outside,

so he's ready when you're ready.

But first, a dump so long I will be able to read

everything Garfield ever wrote.

Jon.

Morning, Captain Quagmire.

Hey, did you know if this plane was a wiener,

we'd be the wiener's eyes?

Hello, this is your captain speaking

from the, uh, cockpit.

Lot of penis stuff from you today.

Quiet, you don't talk.

Now please enjoy this in-flight music I brought with me

from my glove compartment.

Guess I'll go for my walk and leave Chi-Chi all alone!

Wow, how far is it from up here?

Goodnight Moon? Ugh, God, Stewie's so basic.

Oh, my God, he did it.

Oh, no! I've been out all morning

with lots of witnesses, and now this!

Chris! Help!

For God's sake, what now?

So, I was out on my walk with Jane, Ally P., and Ali R...

Both got disastrous haircuts yesterday,

obviously that stays in this room...

And I just came in and found Chi-Chi like this!

Stewie, do you know what day it is?

It's the next Wednesday.

I believe you're aware of my Wednesday schedule.

First period, independent study.

Oh, so you are.

And do you remember what I like to do

during first period, independent study?

- Sleep. - Sleep!

Oh, you're a quick study.

Chris, your alarm is going off!

I know!

All right, time to murder Miss Tiggywinkles.

Oh, never been invited to Doug's before.

Whoa! Chalkboard wall? No way!

The only limitation is my imagination.

So fun!

Stay right here, Miss Tiggywinkles.

Dougie will be home soon to play.

Beat it, you don't want to see

what I'm about to do to Miss Tiggywinkles!

Get away from me n...

Oh, my God!

I can't read!

Here you go, Miss Tiggywinkles.

Miss Tiggywinkles is a real cat!

You know what? I can do this.

I can't do it!

I can't kill a cat!

Unless you were in the movie musical with Rebel Wilson?

I can't do it!

We now return to Baywatch.

All right!

There he is,

the reason our lawn looks like it has leopard skin pants.

What's up with you lately?

You've been acting really weird all of the sudden.

"All of the sudden," Brian?

I think what you mean is "all of a sudden."

Ladies and gentlemen, that's the author in the house.

What's your problem? Why are you being such a jerk to me?

My problem with you?

Let's see, where do I begin?

You accept food, clothing and shelter,

yet no responsibilities.

You constantly want to sleep with my wife,

who is an angel.

Oh, and the hypocrisy.

You claim to be an ally to women,

but I bet you don't even know Nancy Pelosi's official title.

Sure, I do. She's, uh...

Chuck Schumer's secretary.

Forget it, Brian. Now, can you strap me to this milking table?

My wife will be home soon.

Stewie Griffin,

do you want to tell me why you didn't hold up

your end of the bargain with Miss Tiggywinkles?

Seriously? Maybe because you failed

to mention she was a real, living cat.

Hey, I killed your monkey!

Don't you see how that's different?

We had a deal.

- No, I know. - But I just...

I d... I don't... I don't think...

Boy, this is really gonna hurt your reputation