The New Adventures of Old Christine

What are you doing here?

The gym is closed for a week.

Somebody flushed the "Do not flush tampons" sign down the toilet.

It's a disaster.

- Lunch? - I can't.

My assistant quit. She left me with this huge mess.

I found my insurance forms shoved into a drawer

with what smells like an egg salad sandwich.

Please, God, let it be an egg salad sandwich.

Don't answer your own phones.

Makes it seem like you're running a two-bit operation here.

Good morning. Thank you for calling Dr. Kimble's office.

I have another call ahead of you. Please hold.

What are you doing?

Make it seem like you're busy. More professional.

Thank you for holding. How can I help you?

Dr. Kimble's all booked up on Friday.

I'm not booked on Friday. I'm not booked on any day.

I see your 10:00 a.m., I raise you a 2:00 on Wednesday.

Great. My pleasure, hon.

That was amazing. Whose voice was that?

That's my secretary voice.

My first job in high school was answering phones in a doctor's office.

I could handle three lines and not laugh when I answered the phone,

"Dr. Getsoff. Please hold".

But I had to quit when Dr. Pullit joined the practice.

Couldn't get through Pullit and Getsoff without laughing.

I really do need some help here. I was wondering,

do you think you could fill in until I find someone?

It's been a long time. I don't know if I'm re...

Good morning.

Thank you for calling Dr. Kimble's office. Please hold.

Dr. Kimble's office. Please hold.

Drs. Pullit and Getsoff. Please hold.

That was just for you.

Synch : So.

Come on! We're gonna be late for my first appointment.

Good morning, Mary. Lou and Rhoda are in the car already. Let's go.

Don't start. This is what I wore when I worked at Dr. Getsoff's.

If you hang on to your clothes long enough they come back in style again.

Not yet.

Look at this. Clove cigarettes and diet pills.

God, I loved the '70s. Nothing was bad for you.

Except for fashion.

Hey, Maude.

What? You don't like my outfit?

I didn't notice your outfit.

Shut up. I'm restarting my secretarial career.

I'm answering phones for Matthew for a week while the gym is closed.

You two are working together? Isn't that kind of weird?

You're living with the woman who left you at the altar.

We're friends now. I mean, do I still snoop through her purse

and read her texts and log onto her Facebook page? Sure.

But... only as a friend.

What's Facebook?

You're gonna love it about 30 years from now.

I'm starting to get hungry. What should we do for lunch today?

Our sushi roll place? We haven't been there in a while.

I won't be able to have lunch with you today. I have plans.

If you have plans, that's your business.

Where you going? Who you going with?

I have a date.

A date?

That's awesome.

Who's your date with? Where you going?

We're going to the sushi roll place, so I would appreciate you went elsewhere.

Our... sushi roll place?

- Do you want me to go somewhere else? - Just do me a favor,

don't order our sushi roll. That's a special roll for us.

If the guy wants to order a California roll, I'm not gonna stop him.

You did great work today. We've got you on the books for next week.

Validation...

Tissues...

Smoke?

That's okay. We're trying to keep Nancy away from fire.

So who's my next patient?

Actually, you have a little break. Sandra, your 11:00, cancelled.

She cancelled? She say why?

She was a little upset when she called, but then I talked her down

and she felt so much better, she just canceled her appointment.

That woman is a mess.

It's court-ordered therapy. What did you say to her?

Same thing you would've said, probably. This therapy thing isn't science.

Yes, it is.

It's science. It's...

behavioral science.

And I'm a trained professional, and you're an assistant.

How dare you.

I'm... a secretary.

You can't be talking to my patients. You're not trained.

I have a license, a degree.

Oprah's boyfriend talked at my graduation.

So I spoke to a couple of your clients.

- What's the big deal? - A couple? More than one?

Three.

You're unbelievable!

You're a secretary!

I am an executive assistant.

And I am a doctor.

Not "doctor",

doctor!

"Fine."

Stop mocking me.

How about this idea?

How about you thanking me

for helping you out this week?

How about a little appreciation for me?

You are 100% wrong, and until you apologize I'm not speaking to you.

I am not apologizing for helping you.

And stop yelling at me,

because I think I took too many of those diet pills,

and I'm having these weird, crazy energy surges.

Man, those things are good!

You're fired.

You can't fire me. I am as high as a kite!

Fired!

Good morning. Welcome to Dr. Kimble's office.

Do you have an appointment?

Do you have an appointment?

I'm the secretary.

I'm Max Kershaw. I share the suite with Dr. Kimble.

You mean Dr. Jackass.

Are you from that temp agency?

Matthew is my brother. I'm Christine.

Yes, he told me about you.

Thank you.

Would you excuse me just for a second?

Good morning. Dr. Kimble's office. Please hold.

That phone didn't ring.

I think I took too many pills and...

the ringing might be in my ears. You wanna get the door?

Should I call someone to pick you up?

I'm fine, I really am. It's just that Matthew and I never really fight,

and we live together and we work together.

We did work together, you know.

He fired me.

He's my best friend.

You seem like you need a hug, but I have this unwritten rule...

which became a written rule, about not hugging women in my office.

It was a miscommunication...

followed by a weekend in Ojai, followed by a...

a two-month suspension of my license.

No, it's okay.

You don't have to hug me.

I just came to get my mail, and then I have to run

an appointment, but I could come back.

Later?

Sure.

- That would be great. - We could talk.

I like to talk.

I like to listen.

Perfect.

I should get going, too.

I have to pack up all my stuff, and...

maybe call poison control.

Here are your messages, doctor.

If there'll be nothing else, I'll be punching out.

Forever.

I am sorry that I yelled.

You did more than yell.

You fired me.

So if you'll just give me my severance package...

I'll be on my way.

You did a great job, but...

you can see how it's a violation to counsel my clients, can't you?

- You do it. - Yeah, but I'm a...

You know what, let's just stay clear of this subject.

- You ready to go home? - You go ahead. I have a date.

With who?

Dr. Kershaw.

You better be kidding.

Why? He's not one of your clients.

He's just my mentor. Christine, how did this happen?

I don't have to tell you.

Doctor-girlfriend confidentiality.

You're not going out with him. Because this is my office,

he is my mentor

and you are my employee.

Your employee? No, I don't think so.

I was laid off.

Just stop it. You just leave those things in the '70s where they belong.

Come on, you're coming home with me.

I'm not going anywhere with you, little man.

I have asked you not to call me that.

Little man?

What's wrong with little man...

- Little man? - Stop it.

This is my office.

And I am a doctor, damn it.

And I am the boss of you.

Are you...

little man?

I am calling mom.

Sorry.

I think I crashed from too many of those diet pills.

They should warn you about that.

Look...

They do.

No need to explain. I've walked into a lot stranger things in this office.