American Dad!

Aah!

Oh, my God, please don't tell me Shatner died.

You're looking well. Our presentation can now begin.

Word of caution, I would refrain from sharing popcorn

with the gentleman to your left

as I saw him cut a hole in the bottom of his bucket.

He's kidding.

Popcorn?

Hello. I'm Steve Smith.

I'm sitting right over there.

What?

In the past, I have personally made ironclad cases

as to why I am the perfect candidate to own a dog.

I am an American boy and I both crave and offer companionship.

But tonight, I'm calling on other folks

to help me make my case.

This is my best friend, Snot.

I'm Snot Lonstein and this is my dog Dreidel.

We get a lot of comments when I walk him.

"Hey, who's walking who?" is one I particularly enjoy.

That's good fun.

That's enough!

Steve, I've told you over and over,

I will never allow anyone in this house to get a dog!

Ever!

I agree with Stan.

I'm the only pet this house needs.

What about me?

You can't be a pet unless someone loves you.

Stan, don't you think you were a little harsh

with Steve in there?

I'm tired of his constant pleas for a dog.

It's, "Dog, dog, dog," all day long.

You think you can get something

just by saying it enough?

If that were true, all I'd be saying is

"Jane Seymour from behind." Just "Jane Seymour from behind,

Jane Seymour from behind," over and over.

Jane Seymour from behind?

Stan, have you considered

that maybe you won't let Steve have a dog

because of a deeper issue?

You know damn well why!

When I was a boy, I had a dog named Freddy.

He was my best friend.

But right after my dad left us,

my mom said Freddy was diagnosed

with what is now known as "Air Bud" disease.

She told me the humane thing to do was to put Freddy down.

Nooo...

My mom said to.

Please accept your fate with dignity.

Turns out Freddy wasn't even sick.

They just didn't allow dogs at our new apartment building.

And because of that super sad story,

I will never have a dog in my home.

It's such a sad story

that I won't even undercut it with a joke.

I'm just gonna let it end sad.

Are you sure you don't want

to come up with some joke to end that?

Nope. Keeping it sad.

Stan, we had a dog already.

I don't think so.

We did.

Five years ago you got Steve an old dog

that peed dust, and you killed it.

We also had another dog named Fussy

that you didn't like or something.

Francine, those were obviously dreams.

I refuse to discuss your dreams in the daytime.

Hey, Roger, what's...?

Where the hell have you been?!

You are not going to believe

what's going on in this house.

Things are really going to pot around here.

Great. It's locked.

I forgot my key.

Of course you never gave me a key.

That kinda bothers me, but that's not important.

What is important is what's going on around here!

You're gonna see, buddy, oh, you are gonna see!

This is great.

Suddenly security's real tight around here.

You are just gonna lose it

when you see what's going on in your house!

You are really gonna blow your stack!

The worst part of it is the disrespect to you,

They are castrating you, quite frankly.

I'm sorry, but that's what they're doing.

They are cutting off your nads,

period, end of story.

Oh, you're gonna see it so soon!

Look!

It's sloppy!

It's so wet!

Oh, I love you, too!

What in the hell is that?

It's my new dog, Kisses!

I said no dogs!

Oh, this is good for Steve.

And it'll be good for you to love a dog again.

I bet Freddy is smiling down from doggie heaven right now.

I hope he is.

I hope he's up there, living in a lake house,

driving a kickass speedboat,

eating the foamy grass he just threw up.

Let Steve keep Kisses, Stan.

Fine. But I won't have anything to do with that dog.

If he buys a table at a charity event,

I won't sit at it.

I'm mad at you.

You are consistently a problem for me.

Whoa! Taking some liberties here.

Oh, um, okay.

But I'm-I'm only letting you sit there

because my crotch is chilly.

You're soft.

Like the detergent bear.

Oh, and look, there's a little ear.

Who likes a scratch?

Who likes an ear scratch, huh?

Just gonna snap a pic for Steve.

It's for him, not for me.

Oh, my God, what a cute little yawn, what a tired little baby!

You were right, Francine.

It feels so good to love a dog again.

Don't throw the Frisbee too close to the street, Stan.

Don't worry.

The odds of me being involved in

another dog-related tragedy are astronomical.

Atta boy, Kisses!

Mee-argh!

Oh, it's, it's not fair!

It's not fair!

Why him?! Why?!

No, take me, take me, take me!

Oh, my God!

Smith family?

Yes?!

Well, the good news is

that Kisses survived the balloon accident.

He's still alive!

Well, yes, but he's only breathing

with the help of a machine.

Oh, God!

He's not dead? Are you sure?

I don't mean to question your abilities,

it's just I saw you pull into the parking lot in a Geo Metro.

That's not a car for a doctor.

That's a sweet 16 gift for a Filipino.

No!

This...

is an unfortunate situation.

Doctor, is Kisses gonna make it?

Well, most of his vital organs have failed.

I'm afraid there's not much hope.

Oh, no, it's Freddy all over again!

I know this is hard, but under the circumstances,

I think the right thing to do is to pull the plug.

Oh, God! It's so sad!

I won't be responsible for another dog dying!

Who are we to play God?!

You know who I'd like to see play God? Borat.

He'd be all like, "My wi..." No.

He'd be, "My-my wif..."

I can't do it. I can't do it.

Well, if you're going to keep Kisses on life support,

we'll need to discuss the cost of care.

Oh, here we go!

That's the real medicine, huh? Cash!

Guess I gotta show Jerry Maguire the money!

Here, why don't you take it all?

Just so you know, it was Rod Tidwell who asked

that the money be shown to him, not Jerry Maguire.

I'm sure in your grief, you mixed up the characters.

You know, we've never even discussed

what we would do if either one of us was on life support.

If I was messed up like Kisses,

I'd want you to pull the...

Okay.

... doctor aside and tell him

I'm allergic to penicillin.

Wow, you said "Okay" pretty quickly.

You know, we should probably see a lawyer

and make a will to sort this stuff out.

That way we both know

our final wishes will be honored.

Why did you guys drag me out here to listen

to this boring lawyer stuff?!

You're still here?

Of course I am.

What did you find out? When's the surgery?

Surgery?

Mr. Smith, I know this is hard,

but Kisses is not going to recover from his accident.

You're real quick to give up

on this dog, aren't you, Doc?

What's your hurry?

You gotta get your report card out