What We Do in the Shadows

What the...

Who the hell gave you permission

to monkey around with my precious volumes?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

What has he done now?

He's been monkeying around with my precious volumes.

No, I haven't been monkey... I haven't touched your books.

Oh, really? Well, explain this.

Shit, he's taken it up a notch.

That's worse than before.

Guillermo, why would you do such a thing?

I didn't do it. I-I haven't even been in this room.

I wasn't even here.

Well, you're in there now.

What's going on? It's Gizmo.

He's been causing havoc in the household.

Ooh.

Look. Look.

"Laszlo sucks," backwards.

Laszlo doesn't suck.

And if he did, he certainly wouldn't do it backwards.

I didn't write it.

Hmm.

We've got ghosts.

- Bullshit. - (NADJA GROANS)

A ghost is the spirit of a person who has died,

but still has unfinished business

on this mortal plane.

There's no such thing as ghosts.

Okay, here we go again.

My wife comes from the kind of town

that believes in all this kind of superstitious nonsense.

She also thinks goblins are real.

Personally, I'm a man of science.

All right, then, Dr. Arsehole, how does your science

- explain what we just saw? - Now, you see,

it can be one of two things.

One, a mercurical zephyr.

Two, it's a farrago of gasses,

possibly from a peat bog.

Now, if you capture these and add them together,

using yellow bile from a plague victim...

you've got what looks like a ghost.

- But it's science. - Ooh! (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Ghosts are

the stuff of fairy tales.

Stories we tell children to frighten out

their excess energy so that they might

- slumber more peacefully. Huh.

Did you say something?

I'm sorry, vampires are real, but ghosts are not?

He's heard too many fairy stories from Nadja.

No, I actually just want to make sure

we're on the same page.

You know, after years of working for you,

a known vampire, I have seen

- werewolves, necromancers... - (GROWLING)

a zombie and several Babadooks,

but a ghost, that's where we draw the line.

Several? You saw one Bababook.

- Several Ba... - Don't exaggerate.

Do I believe in ghosts? Uh, no.

Color me skeptical.

Um, though, maybe it's ghosts that are always stealing

that one sock from the dryer. (LAUGHS)

I've been experimenting with, uh, humor

to drain energy.

Which reminds me, does anyone here

have any updog?

Updog?

If I didn't know what updog was,

I would at least ask-ask me. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, everybody, look at my enormous crystal balls.

Maybe these ghosts will bring with them some updog.

Guillermo, did you get my joke about my enormous balls?

- I did, Master. Silence!

The time is nigh.

Everybody join hands.

Sorry if my hands are a little oily.

It's from my rash cream.

Troubled spirits, draw ye near.

Uncloak yourselves and reveal to us your forms

on this terrestrial plane.

I beseech you, using the ancient words.

'Eye' tis ka lay

ksenikon e patroion, e pakouston e foraton e keye,

kath-eye-restho hon-'pear'

apokatharet-eye.

Mm...

- Guillermo, did you make a fart? - No.

I think someone summoned a breakfast burrito.

Silence!

A spirit is struggling to be heard.

Is it maybe a spirit who's struggling with IBS?

You have ruined the energy of the séance

with your toilet potty poo-poo-mouth humor!

And a price will be paid. You fools!

Nadja, we were only joking.

Idiots.

Oh, yes.

Jeff... Jesk.

So you are a ghost now, yes?

My Nadja.

For an eternity, I have longed to hear

your sweet, angelic voice say my name again.

Well, it's only been a few months since you died,

but that's... Thank you, very nice.

I have missed you so.

Sorry, can I just stop you?

It's really weird with you down there.

If you could... Sorry, the head.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Put it back on the neck.

- Sorry, it's just... - Right, right, right, right.

- Duh. Ew. - Ugh. (CHUCKLES)

This is better, huh?

So much better.

- Thanks. - So, Jesk, what can I...

Um, sorry for not taking you seriously, my darling.

And what do you think about it now?

What do I think about what?

Jesk, say something.

Hey, thanks for cutting my head off.

- Again. You dick. Now, now.

He was just doing his husbandly duties.

Who are you talking to, my darling?

Can't you see him?

There's nobody there, my dear. Are you okay?

- He's sitting right there. - There's no one there.

- But he's... - I'll, uh,

just go back inside and leave you

to, uh, talking to the air.

Shit.

Nandor!

There's a fucking ghost on the front lawn.

- What? Not you, too. - I couldn't believe it myself.

But what mine own eyes have seen, mine own eyes have seen.

I pretended I couldn't see it,

which will give us the element of surprise.

- Okay. Okay. - We must act quickly.

Take the large one.

Yes, good idea.

Yeah, that's better.

Right, where's this fucking ghost?!

ghost stuff.

Aah! Get ready to swallow my sword!

But it's... What the fuck?

Whoa, shit.

That's wild.

- Thank you! - So, this...

You need to keep your voice down, otherwise

- that thing will hear us. - I can hear you.

Now look what you've done.

- What is this gloopy shit? - Huh.

Looks like ectoplasm.

- Is that right? - (CHUCKLING): I guess so.

- Is there any in my hair? - Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Guillermo, tissue, please.

Quite a bit. Fucking guy.

That thing needs to be gone.

He's not going to hurt us.

- You're not going to hurt them, right? - No.

I'm not gonna hurt you guys.

- I'm just here to scare you guys. Bollocks.

- Well, we're not scared. - You should be scared of us.

Calm down. - Really?

How about now?

- Been there, done that. How about now?

Cut it out!

- Would you stop it!? - (CHUCKLES)

Pardon me, ghost.

Later, man. It was nice meeting you.

So here's the situation.

Every time my human ex-lover is reincarnated,

our bodies call to one anothe.

But without a body, he's all Jesk and no Gregor.

And it stinks.

My unfinished business, how it torments me.

Please, help me complete it so I may leave this plane.

Sure. But what, exactly, do you want me to do?

Just, like, swear that you'll help me...

Do what?! No. I don't have time for this.

My husband is shitting himself down the road.

All right, all right. I love you.

- And a little to the left. - (GROANS)

- It sort of looks like updog. - (HISSES)

These ghosts, what are they?

Humans have bodies.

And within the body resides the spirit.

When the human dies, the spirit is released.

And that spirit is a ghost!