Shameless

This estate's been a good home to us, me, Frank Gallagher, and my kids,

who I'm proud of, cos every one of them reminds me a little of...me.

They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.

Lip, bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip any more.

Ian, a lot like his mam, which was handy for the others

when she disappeared into thin air.

And Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons -

it makes it stand on end and makes him look Toyah, and nits love it.

Debbie! Sent by God.

Total angel. You've to check your change, but she'll go miles

out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus lickle Ian - he's gonna be a star some day.

Monica - the wife. She's back - with her bird in tow.

And we can't get shot off her.

And the neighbours -

the neighbours! Well, what can you say?

Nothing, if you don't want your arms breaking.

Still, nobody's perfect.

But all of them, to a man, know first and foremost one

of the most vital necessities in life is - they know how to throw a party!

Scatter!

'Normally, poems are shite.

'Shakespeare and Woolworth, and all them.

'But we've got this one at school that says, "they fuck you up,

'"your mum and your dad."

'It's the first poem I ever agreed with.'

'Your parents are supposed to help you.

'But they don't. They say it's cos of

'pressures of modern living, but that's bollocks.'

Come along, lad, don't dilly-dally. The Good Lord has provided.

Gosh, I'll have some of that, Father!

Me, too, it looks ripping!

No, you don't, you two chaps, not till Carl has had his fill.

He's our pride and joy.

'If this is how it's supposed to be, it wouldn't be half-bad.'

You wanna be careful what you wish for, Carl.

Where have you been all my life, doll face?

Fuck me, if it isn't the wife's lesbian lover!

'But look at the state of us. How is this a family?

'They do fuck you up, your mum and your dad, and I hate it!'

You're like a walking lobotomy sometimes, Carl.

Pot, kettle, black - don't knock it till you've tried it, goofy.

What's he doing up?

He hasn't been to bed. Even he'd struggle getting drunk this early.

Who are you, one of Tony Blair's thought police,

monitoring the behaviour of your parents

so you can report them to Esther fuckin' Rantzen?

Couldn't drop us a tenner, could you?

You must be joking, I'm brassy.

We're out of milk, and she's down to her last nappy.

Welcome to my world. It's all take, take, take, isn't it?

Morning!

Debs...No.

Come on, Liam.

That's right. Run off to school, dessert the sinking ship.

Let lickle Katie piss all over herself.

Dob your parents in for reading the wrong books.

You flogged every book we ever had.

I should have kept the one on contraception, shouldn't I?

See you later.

You haven't had any breakfast.

Good, sell the toast.

Buy little Katie a nappy.

All right, chicken?

Haven't you forgotten something?

My giro! She's took my fuckin' giro!

Debs! Debbie! >

No joy.

Go next door and try.

We're not going to your mum and dad's.

They are my family. Katie needs...

I know!

I know! BABY CRIES

I know.

I'll sort something. We agreed.

If we can't make it on our own without your family,

what's the point?

I'll fix it.

I promise.

Where's Prince Charming?

Off somewhere, doing something, I don't know.

Happy birthday, bird.

You remembered.

I always do. Did none of them?

Not a single one.

Everybody hates me!

Oh... Come here.

This is a waste of time.

If we catch the Maguires in the act, then the crime rate

will go through the floor.

We're hardly inconspicuous, though, are we? They're not stupid.

Didn't you bring any cups?

Carrie?They're in the bottom.

Why would she be packing your bag?

Because we're sharing a house.

You what?

A police house. I've been on the list for ages,

but they only give them to couples, so Carrie offered her services.

but they only give them to couples, so Carrie offered her services. You jammy bastard.

I mean...

I'm paying 400 quid a month for a shithole.

And you get a subsidised house, it's hardly fair.

power shower, fridge freezer.

Could sub-let your place, and move in with us.

What?

We've got a spare room.

With three of us splitting the rent, it'll cost next to nothing.

I don't mind if I do.

There's someone at the house.

Must be a buyer.

Jesus! Blondie's no oil painting,

but you're really scraping the barrel with this one, bruv.

Who the fuck are you?

The name's Kelly. I'm looking for my brother, Kev.

Can I speak to him?

I think you'll find he doesn't live here anymore, darling.

Police! No-one move.

Piss off, you dyke.

We've reasonable grounds to search your property, Mrs Maguire.

You're not coming anywhere near my house without a search warrant.

It's only a matter of time, Mimi.

Who the fuck's Mimi? And where's our fuckin' Kevin?

That is foul and unacceptable language.

Fuck off!

I will not tolerate

offensive language on my patch!

What are you taking it out on her for? She's not a Maguire.

That was threatening behaviour.

Yeah, from you. Hit first, ask questions later.

Again. You're leaving me no option.

I love the way her nostrils flare when she gets pumped.

Have you noticed that?

We're losing money hand over fist because of you.

It's not my fault pigs are staking out t'house.

It is your fault we can't distribute through the van.

Wrong change? How's my counting now? 6, 7...

Oi! Leave my son alone!

I'll have your head on a fuckin' stick.

What kind of a man beats up a 12-year-old?

He were disrespecting me.

I'll disrespect you right fuckin' now.

He'll never learn that way.

He'll take the van out and face the consequences of his actions.

But...they'll kill me.

Then it'll be a lesson. No son of mine hides behind the curtains

when he should be out earning.

Ow! What is the problem?

The problem is, Kelly, love, last time I gave you a bed, you turned

the house into a knocking shop.

I'll pay rent.

I've got nowhere else to go.

No, I'm sorry.

I've got the kids to think about.

You're not exactly a fuckin' role model, are you?

Who's paying?

She is.He is.

If you don't pay, you don't play.

Fuckin' hell.

No more for Frank Gallagher unless he pays cash.

Take your winnings and fuck off.

But I've got a repeat chance.

You also have a chance to keep your kneecaps. What's it to be?

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

A pint, an Irish chaser, and a large vodka and Coke.

the world go round... #

Oh, God.

What's the point? Everybody hates Brussels sprouts.

If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing right, Carl.

Even for Monica.

The family that eats together stays together.

Mind you, once you've seen a man's eating habits,

the romantic illusion shatters.

My Brendan used to eat like a cow chewing cud.

Couldn't get it out of my head.

Any time he wanted to...emigrate south.

Where did Brendan want to emigrate to?

Me fanny.

TIMER DINGS

Something's burning.

Shit!

6.80.

Take care of it, we're all family now, aren't we?

That comes out of my wages.

I'll pay for it.

That's not the point.

All right, Dad?

Fine, yeah. Fuck off.

All right, Lip.

Hiya, Frank.

Do you want to earn some cash?

..he's a muppet.

Carl, they'll put you in a young offenders'.

I didn't steal it, I made it.

What for?

Special occasion.

Like a proper family.

What's that?

Potato peelings.

It's harder than it looks.

What occasion?