How I Met Your Mother

Kids, in the winter of 2009

aunt Robin and I just become roomates.

and to be honest, it wasn't going very smoothly.

Ooh,that looks good.

I'm gonna get some.

There's no more milk.

No,I just saw some in the fridge.

Empty.

So throw it out.

The trash can's full.

So take the trash out.

I'm eating cereal.

You know,when I asked you to be my roommate,I figured,

"She's a girl,she'll be neat."

But no,you're Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds.

You know what,Ted?

Instead of coming up with hot off the press

topical references like that,

maybe you should spend a little time,

I don't know,uh, washing a dish ever.

Oh,darn,I can't.

I'm too busy leaving a plate of cookies for the magical elf

who changes the toilet paper roll.

Oh,wait,there's no elf.

It's always me!

I alwa change it. You never do!

That is ridiculous! -No,I went in there yesterday...

I changed it,like, the last five times.

Stop! Stop!

God,what is going on?

When we were dating each other,

we were practically living together

and we didn't drive each other this crazy.

I know.

What happened?

You know what it is?

We were having sex.

Men and women need sex to live together.

It solves all disputes.

Oh,like Barney's theory about world peace?

So I explained to her.

I said,Madeline,every single international conflict

essentially boils down to sexual tension.

Every international conflict?

Every single one,dude.

So the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...

Gaza Strippers. Next.

Apartheid?

Apart thighs. What else you got?

Cold War?

"Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants."

Well,guess we should just start having sex,then.

Yeah,right.

Wow.

I know.

It's like riding a bike,huh,buddy?

Riding a bike upside down, maybe.

Okay,listen. If this is gonna happen on occasion,

we can't tell anyone about this.

Deal? Deal.

Deal.

Marshall,Marshall...

What the hell are you guys doing?

What,are you guys, like,back together?

No. We're just having sex so we don't fight ghymore.

Oh,that's a great idea.

No,really. Two thumbs up,guys.

Hey,I just looked into the future

and that works out really great for everyone.

What are you even doing here?

I was on my way to work and I just had to drop by here to...

read this magazine.

In...

that room over there.

Oh,I get it.

No problem,buddy.

Uh,yes, a problem,buddy.

You came all the way over here to read a magazine?

I'm willing to bet that there is a place to read a magazine at work.

You know,a room with a little man on the door?

Okay,Robin. Come on.

Nobody likes to read a magazine at work.

I mean,you walk out of your office holding a magazine

and that magazine is saying one thing and one thing only.

Hey everyone,look at what Marshall's about to do!

Marshall's about to read a big ol' magazine

in the bathroom that you all share with him.

Well,have you thought about maybe not reading

a magazine when you read a magazine?

You gotta read a magazine.

I mean, that's why there's magazines.

Otherwise,it's just time you're not getting back.

Exactly.

And the worst part is this:

That stretch of hallway from my door to that restroom

is a gauntlet of judging eyes.

You got my boss.

We all know exactly what you're about to do.

Her boss.

Hey,Eriksen,

why don't you just move your desk in there?

I-Can't-Believe-He-Has-A-Wife Donald.

Oh,sweetie,so obvious.

Anyways,I just would rather do that here.

No,I'm sorry.

This is our apartment now.

Marshall,you have to read a magazine someplace else.

Give me your key.

Yeah,I'm not gonna do that.

Marshall.

I seem to recall

a deal being struck between three parties

wherein none would discuss

a certain event that transpired.

An event of the...

...persuasion.

That key,madam, buys my silence.

Good day to you both.

You two hooked up?

thanks a lot,lily

So,wow.

You two... slept together.

That is awf... some.

Awfsome.

Nice work,Ted. Tap that.

It sounds like a bigger deal than it is.

We talked it over,and we both realized

we've had a rough couple of months.

We deserve a little fun.

No.

This could wind up ruining your friendship.

When two exes try to "just be casual,"

someone always winds up getting hurt.

Turned out,Lily was right.

But more on that later.

Look,guys,we've got this covered okay?

No one's gonna get hurt.

We set up ground rules.

Okay,rule number one:

This is strictly a physical relationship.

There are no feelings involved, okay?

Oh,please,that's like telling the Fonz to be cool.

And since it's just physical,

we don't have to worry about romance,right?

Hell,no.

Ooh,we can do it while we watch TV!

Totally!

And we can multi-task.

You know,use the sex to spice up otherwise dull activities.

Like folding laundry.

Paying bills.

Cooking dinner.

That doesn't seem hygienic. -Yeah,not that one.

And now that we're hooking up, we're not fighting anymore.

Problem solved.

Actually,the credit belongs to Barney.

This whole idea came out of your thing about world peace.

Yeah. Thanks,Barney.

You were right. Peace was achieved.

Repeatedly.

So I'm-I'm responsible for...

Excellent. Excellent. Excellent.

Uh... next round's on me!

Hey,are you okay?

Yeah. Why do you ask?

Well,for one thing, you're openly weeping.

With joy.

So happy for those two.

Barney,admit it.

You still have feelings for Robin

and this is killing you.

I am totally fine.

Now,excuse me for just a minute.

I'm totally fine.

Barney,you have to learn how to express these feelings.

Maybe you should talk to a psychiatrist.

Please.

If I'm gonna pay so woman $200 an hour

to make me feel better, we aren't going to be talking.

And we're both going to be on that couch.

The woman in this scenario is a prostitute.

A dirty,skanky,surgically enhanced,Eastern European...

I got it.

And there's something kind of liberating

about not taking it all too seriously.

Yeah. Last night, we actually did it

while I was returning a bunch of phone calls.

I knew you didn't get a rowing machine!

Awesome, we're still talking about this!

Look,guys,

this is a private thing between me and Ted.

Private Thing.

We wouldn't even be talking about this

if Marshall could read a magazine at work.

Oh,he's always been this way.

Remember law school?

Sure do.

Baby?

Baby,what is it?

The credit card bill came today.