Mr. Osomatsu (おそ松さん)

Cavematsu-san

Cavematsu-san!

End

"Matsuzou and Matsuyo"

Milk

Muscle, muscle... Huh?!

Dad! You're spilling it!

Huh? Oh, yeah. Sorry.

I'm heading out.

Dad, you have to open the door first.

Huh? Oh.

Huh?

I'm home.

Daddy! What happened to your clothes?!

Huh?

What do you think is up with that, Osomatsu-niisan?

Huh?

I mean the way Dad's acting.

Is something wrong?

Wait, really? You haven't noticed?

Isn't your popsicle about two millimeters bigger than mine?

Yet you notice things like that right off the bat?! It's only two millimeters!

Here, I'll just trade you.

It's just gonna be a pain if we stay on this topic any longer.

Thanks!

But I wonder what's going on with Dad.

Maybe something's troubling him.

Huh?

Like, something is emotionally bothering him.

Huh? What are you talking about? You're scaring me.

Scaring you?

Well, I mean, think about it! What could actually be bothering Dad?

Nine times out of ten, we're the reason for his troubles!

We're all over twenty and spend every day just lazing around...

And there are six of us. His future's just bleak.

True.

The only thing waiting for him is getting old as part of the lowest caste in his generation.

Of course he's troubled.

True.

Don't you feel sad saying all that about yourself?

True.

And then Dad's finally going to reach his limit and tell us...

"I can't provide for our family alone anymore,

so I need all of you...

to work!"

No!

Shut up!

All right. Let's never speak of this again.

There's nothing troubling Dad at all. He's perfectly fine.

Hey!

Down with being forced to find a job.

Yeah!

Don't wanna think about our parents' problems.

Nope!

No way!

True.

Let's have fun in life.

Dad.

Troubles?

Choromatsu, who do you think you are, worrying about stuff like that?

No, there's definitely something troubling you.

Nope.

But you've been acting strange for a while.

I'm my usual self.

Why haven't you noticed the flying squirrel clinging to your back, then?

Go back to the forest.

I had no idea...

Actually... it's about your mother.

Mom?

Yeah.

Wait, what about Mom?

You see, your mother...

Your mother's been cold toward me for some reason!

She hasn't been kissing me goodnight or anything like that at all lately!

Is the spark gone? Does she not love me anymore?

I mean, we don't even do this or that anymore... What do you think, Choromatsu-kun?

Huh?

Who the hell cares?!

Huh?! What do you mean, who cares?

Your father's shocked!

No, really, who cares?

Not our problem!

But we're husband and wife! We're supposed to be lovey-dovey forever!

Think about your damn age!

No. I don't want to think about my age.

I want to have a pervy relationship with your mother forever!

I'm so done... I don't even want to live anymore.

I'm gonna be a NEET, too.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Wait a sec, Dad!

Just calm down.

No...

I'm done. I'm so done!

So what are we going to do about this?

Oh, come on...

Get your face out of the sofa.

This is why I said we should leave it be.

You just had to meddle.

Wait, wait, wait. It's not like I could've ever imagined this would be the problem!

I mean... I hear there are a lot more sexless married couples lately, but...

Hey! I don't want to hear that kind of stuff about our parents!

Nope! Can't!

Shut up!

But it's not like we can just ignore this now, right?

Huh?

I mean, if Dad ends up quitting his job or, even worse, ends up moving out...

We NEETs will have no choice but to die.

All right. We've gotta do something.

Let's somehow help out Dad,

so we can prolong our lives as NEETs!

You're such a good boy, Totty! You're so cute and honest, Totty!

Dad!

Huh?

Don't worry. We'll do something about your relationship with Mom.

Huh? Nah, it's okay.

Don't worry!

It's okay.

But why?

Well, none of you...

have ever had a girlfriend.

You're all virgins.

It's not like you guys can help if you haven't even had any experience yet.

Shouldn't you guys be worrying about yourselves?

Huh?!

So what if we've never girlfriends?!

So what if we're virgins?! Does that even matter right now?!

Actually, it matters quite a bit, doesn't it?

It's probably the most important thing, in fact.

But at least we're knowledgeable about it!

We can give you advice!

You mean knowledge from dramas, light novels, and porn, right?

You can't actually use any of that in real life.

What the hell?! And here we were offering to help you!

And I'm telling you that you can't.

Why?!

What the heck are you guys doing?!

Pull it out, you piece-of-shit dad! We'll chop it off for you!

True.

You don't need it anymore, do you?!

Speak for yourselves, you damn virgins!

True!

Shut up!

So, what happened to the spark between you and Mom?

Akatsuka Bathhouse

Bath

Know what might've caused it?

No idea.

How can you not know? Man, your attitude pisses me off.

No idea! As we got older, those kinds of feelings naturally declined,

and before I knew it, they were totally gone.

She's so heartless...

Hang on a sec.

Why does it sound like you've just been blaming this on Mom this whole time?

Huh?

Yeah, that's what I thought, too.

You're making it sound like Mom's the one who's in the wrong for denying you.

Well, we're husband and wife.

See? There you go!

Huh?

Look, you...

"You"?

Why do you just naturally assume that she'll always love you?

Get off your high horse.

Who do you think you are, huh?

You gotta be more humble, Dad. You weren't like this when you were young, were you?

Remember those days when you were still pure.

Then Mom will too, probably.

You gotta be more humble.

Take back your youth!

So why don't you return to being a virgin, Dad?

Uh, h-how?

Don't worry, Dad. Because you have us...

...six actual virgins on your side!

Huh?

Such a virgin!

Hello, Cherryzou-kun!

Hello, Cherryzou-kun.

Huh?

Right-o, Cherryzou! We're gonna turn you back into a virgin!

Yeah!

Huh?

Virgin five-step conjugations

Here we go! Virgin five-step conjugations.

Let's do this!

Boobs

Boobs.

Boobn't! Boobed! Boobing! Get boobed! Boob it!

Pantyshot

Pantyshot.

Pantynot! Pantyshotted! Pantyshotting! Pantyshoot! Pantyism!

Kiss

Kiss.

Wanna kiss! Wanna kiss! Wanna kiss! Wanna kiss!

If all else fails, wanna see someone else kiss!

Perfect!

Huh?

All right. Go buy a dirty book.

We now carry oden

Huh?

Move it!