Dan in Real Life

Okay.

- Hey. - Hey.

Is this yours?

- Dad! - I didn't think so.

- -

Hey.

Hey, I was gonna do that for you later.

Now you won't have to.

- Okay. So kid, are you hungry? - Yeah.

- Cereals? - Okay.

All right.

- So, the plan... - "The plan"?

Cara, Dad's about to reveal "the plan".

I'll pack up the car,

pick you up right after school, and then we'll drive straight...

through.

- - Sounds good.

- Does not. - What now?

Well, isn't the whole point that we, like, go to school?

And now you're forcing us to miss school when we should be, like, in school.

Right? I mean, what about my studies?

Okay, why are you smiling?

I just never thought I'd hear you say, "What about my studies?"

It makes me, like, smile.

- I don't wanna go. - We do this every year.

The only time we can get the whole family together.

Got to help Grandma and Grandpa

- close up the house. - Go.

- You're destroying my education. - You go change now.

- Yes? - Very good column, sir.

That last bit about curfews? Very apt.

And may I also say that yesterday's column on boundary setting was excellent.

- Who are you? - I'm Marty Barasco.

Anyway, I would like to especially thank you for last Friday's column.

It really helped me understand my parents.

Okay.

- Well, Marty, what else can I do for you? - I'd like to see your daughter, sir.

If I could.

Ah! Jane! Jane!

Actually, I'm here for Cara.

Nice to meet you, Marty. Come back in two years.

I don't wanna brag but Mr. Shaff says I'm one of the best driver in his class.

He says I'm highway ready.

Mr. Shaff and I may not agree. Cara! Let's go.

- So will you let me? - We'll see.

3:00 p.m. sharp. Do not be...

- Late. We got it. - Late!

Yes, we do.

FYI, that boy you were really rude to before is my friend, Marty.

My lab partner from science class?

We're even, like, doing an extra-credit project together.

Bus.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait, wait!

- Come on! - Hurry up!

We got to go.

Yeah?

Yeah, Jordy, emailed it half an hour ago.

What?

No way. You're kidding.

That's funny.

Where's your sister?

You're late.

She went to Yumms.

- Can I drive? - Dad's going to be syndicated.

Not so fast, there're two other columnists being considered, so...

Aw, that's great. Can I drive?

Look, you're a fine driver.

- It's the just the other hundred million... - If you don't let me, I'll never learn.

But if I let you, you may not live.

- -

What was that? What are you doing?

- Could you be more embarrassing? - Sorry to interrupt your studies

with your friend.

Well, we can't all be monks like you. No!

By the way, you're grounded.

- Oh, I'm grounded? - Yup.

Hm-hmm, for how long?

For life.

- Dad, come on. - It's humiliating.

- Tell me about it. - Okay, you're grounded for a month.

A month! But that's... That's worse than forever.

Okay, Dad, why?

- You lied to me. - Yeah, well, you can't handle the truth.

Maybe should try me next time.

- But, but, but, but... - No, no, no, no.

- Okay, Dad, I... I love Marty. - Oh, please.

- - Okay.

- Come on. - Dad, Dad! Dad, Dad. Stop!

Okay, just listen, listen. I didn't know right away.

- It took me a while. - What's a while?

Um, well, I... I've known him for three weeks, but I knew in three days.

- Three days? You can't know in three days. -

- Well, maybe she can. - No. No, no.

- What you're feeling is not love. -

- It is young and reckless... - Yes, it is. I love him, Dad.

- I love him, I love him, Dad. - ...and not thought out.

- No! I love him, Dad, I love him. - You may think it's love, but it is not!

- I love him. I love him, I love him. - No, it's not. No, it's not.

I love him. I love him, I love him...

I love you, I love you, I love you...

There goes Jane's college education.

- There goes Cara's. - No. What about mine?

No, you're good. Ah, no, wait.

There it goes.

You can't keep me from Marty.

Dad, let me remind you that guys are half the world...

and I'll find others.

- But know that only Marty gets my heart. - Get in the car.

- I know a really good driver. - No. No.

Here you go.

I think your sisters aren't very happy with me.

- Duh. -

What do you think?

You're a good father, but sometimes a bad dad.

- Who told you to say that? - No one.

- Was it Jane or Cara? You can tell me. - I made it up myself.

No. You didn't. Which one of your sisters told you to say that?

I made it up myself. I'm in the fourth grade.

- I can make things up for myself. - Jane or Cara?

I made it up myself. I can think of things myself.

- Jane or Cara? - I'm in the fourth grade.

- She's in the fourth grade! - She's in the fourth grade!

Oh! They're here!

They're here! Come on, girls!

Good to see you, Pappy.

Hey, Dad.

Mm.

- Now we're all here. How are you doing? - I'm fine.

Or maybe not. My kids can't stand me.

Well, just means you're doing something right.

- -

Oh, you're so...

Hi, honey.

Look at your girls, they're all grown up.

No, no, no, they're still very young.

Hey, how are you? Wow, she's getting big.

Getting bigger every day.

- Hey man. - Hey man.

Hi.

Good to see you!

- Hello. - Hello.

- Hi, uncle Dan. - Hey, Eileen, how are you?

- Hey. - How are you?

- Did you hit traffic? - Yeah, it wasn't, eh, not too bad.

- Hi, sis. Good to see you. - I'm so glad you're here.

Who are they? I've never seen these guys in my life.

- Hi, uncle Dan. - Say something.

- Something. - It happened. I knew it.

- Way to go! Sounds good. - Help your uncle with his bags.

Thanks.

Uh-huh, honey, you're down here, um.

Your brother, Mitch, has a friend coming to visit, so...

- I'm in the special room. - Yeah.

- Sorry, bro. - That's okay.

- You sleep tight. - You too.

Mwah.

- Are you tired? - Get down

- get down! - Good morning.

- Good morning. - Did you sleep okay?