Bad Ass

The story begins right here on this bus.

Line 144. The same route I took every day.

- Yee-ha! (LAUGHING) But this day was different.

Something was about to happen that would change my life forever.

First, let me tell you how things were... before all this.

Didn't have all that much growing up.

Just me...

...my mom...

...my dad...

...and 60 acres of farmland.

I lived a simple life.

But sometimes, the simplest things are the best things.

Like going undefeated my senior year

and winning the state championship off my corner route in the end zone.

Or falling in love with Lindsay, the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

Can't you just tell them that you changed your mind?

I can't do that, baby. I already enlisted.

Hey... I promise it'll be real quick.

I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna take care of business and I'll be right back.

You have my word.

Promise?

I promise.

Then suddenly, things weren't so simple any more.

I headed off to Vietnam to fight for my country.

I spent seven years there, six of them in the jungle...

...and one year in a POW camp.

Is that all you got, pendejos?

Probably would have stayed longer, too...

Man down!

...if I hadn't gotten shot.

But throughout it all, the only thing that kept me going

was knowing that I was gonna see Lindsay again.

Mommy, I'm hungry.!

Mommy, can you make us lunch?

I figured I'd apply to the police academy.

It made sense with my military experience.

I felt lost. Didn't know where I fit in any more.

So what type of business experience do you have?

Well... not much experience, really, to be honest.

Since I graduated high school,

I've been in active combat duty serving my country.

That really took up most of my time.

We're really in the market for a college graduate.

You didn't happen to take advantage of the GI Bill?

Actually, I have just been informed the position was filled.

I soon realized that no one was willing to give me a chance.

I had to create an opportunity for myself.

Thank you, sir, I appreciate your business. God bless.

- How are you, sir? - Good, good.

What can I get for you? One? All right. Ketchup? Mustard?

Beautiful day, huh? (CHUCKLES)

All right. There we go.

Here's your change, sir.

God bless you. Have a nice day.

While I was creating that opportunity...

...life somehow slipped away from me.

One, two, three, go!

But life has a way of kicking you in the ass every once in a while.

And on this day, it kicked me pretty hard.

Yee-ha! (LAUGHING)

Hey, old man, you mind moving? We gotta sit together.

Hey! Old fucker!

You deaf? I'm talking to you.

Move that geriatric ass before I kick it.

How about you just leave me alone?

Ooh!

You believe this guy?

You got balls, old man. That's respectable.

But now you're wasting my time,

so why don't you get the fuck out of my seat?

You crazy fucking spear chucker.

There's two seats in back. Take 'em. But leave him alone.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Stand up, asshole.

I don't want any trouble. Leave me alone.

I can kick your ass while you're sitting down or while you're standing up.

It's your call.

- Fuck his shit up, Raymond! - Yeah.

I told you I didn't wanna fight. I fucking told you!

Since that day, nothing's been the same.

Holy shit.

That's awesome!

Man, this old guy's bad ass.

Miller, Steve-O, come over here. Come take a look at this.

He's a senior citizen, he's been given the name "Bad Ass"

and he's a huge hit on the Web right now. He gives people hope.

There's even a T-shirt with his face on it.

All of a sudden, people started caring about me.

I started fitting in again. People wanted to be with me.

Cops were even taking me on drive-alongs.

It's like I'm this famous guy or something.

That's been the weird part. It's taken some getting used to.

Now you've been deemed a hero, Mr. Vega.

How does that make you feel, especially at your age?

Well, I don't think I'm a hero. I'm just a guy...

...making $500 a month on disability, trying to fit in.

You must be very proud of your son, Mrs. Vega.

Oh, you'd better believe it. I am always proud of my boy.

If this world had more people like my son...

I love you... (SPEAKS SPANISH SINGS INDISTINCTLY)

Mom!

This boy.

She's not biased or nothing.

My son.

And none has mastery over the day of death.

For the Lord of all shows no partiality,

nor does he fear greatness,

for He Himself made the great as well as the small.

He provides for all equally...

...and the dust shall return to the earth from whence it came...

...and the life breath return to the Lord who gaveth it.

All right. It's gonna be all right, man. It's gonna be all right, Biscuit.

It's your mama, I know.

From the last will and testament, dated February 15, 2010:

"I, Juanita Lupe Vega, bequeath my china pattern,

stainless steel cutlery, and Ginsu knives to my favorite charity,

the Church of Latter Day Angel.

And to my boy, Frank, whom I loved with all my heart till the day I died,

I leave you my house, my jewelry, my wardrobe... "

Hey.

"...and of course,

my beloved dog, Baxter." - What are you doing?

- You robbing houses now, Vega? - A man's gotta make a living some way.

My condolences about your mom.

The boys at the station, they send their best.

- I appreciate that. - We got you this.

- I didn't know how good-looking I was. - Yeah, me neither.

Hey, if you need anything, give me a call.

- Thanks, bro. - All right, brother. Call me.

"Bad Ass." (LAUGHS)

Come on, Baxter.

My administration has organized a new initiative,

which we are calling "Operation Street Cleaning. "

We've also enhanced and increased local law enforcement,

in order to rid our neighborhoods of crime and gang-related activity.

It is the top priority of this administration to return our city

back to the safety it once knew.

Boy, what you carrying in this box? A dead body and a watermelon?

- No, that's my entertainment library. - Entertainment?

Behind the Green Horse. Is that new?

- You haven't seen that? - No.

- Check that out tonight. - Oh, I just might do that.

You know what? All this moving is making me thirsty. We bring any beer?

You're in charge of beer. I'm in charge of entertainment.

Man, I know there's something around here somewhere.

We, ladies and gentlemen, are going to unite,

and make this the strongest and the safest community in this county.

I know my mama wouldn't leave a dry house.

You have my word.

Hoo-ah!

Holy shit.

Biscuit and Klondike gonna have booze tonight.

Yeah. Thank you, Mama.

I was running fast as I could, man.

I mean, that woman kept catching up to me.

I mean, I run the 100-yard dash, for Christ sakes,

trying to get away from this woman.

I've never seen you run so fast in your life.

She looked like a hooker to me, man. She came on to me, too.

You know, them Vietnamese are tricky motherfuckers,

making their soldiers look like whores and shit.

Klondike, she weighed 200 pounds and had a machine gun strapped on her neck.

It was dark, motherfucker. (LAUGHING)

I couldn't see shit. I just followed my nose.

My nose led me to pussy and my nose don't discriminate pussy.

Where's Baxter, man?

I thought he would've licked that plate clean by now.

Baxter probably locked himself in the closet again.

What the hell's he doing in there? Ah...

Rubbing one out, ain't he?

No.

He's probably... He just likes his quiet time like his daddy.

Yeah. His daddy. His daddy's a good guy.

Thank you, man.

- For what? - For letting me move in with you.

You've been there for me the whole time, man. You're a damn good friend.

- I mean that. - Klondike.

You and Baxter are the only family I got.

You saved my life. I owe you.

You know what?

I see...

...really good changes for you and me, Biscuit.

- Take my word for it. - It's a long time coming.

You know, people talk about having the best days of their lives.

I'm still waiting for mine.

The past 40 years, I've felt like a bouncing ball.

No stability in my life.

But... I think the bouncing's slowing down.

I'm turning over a new leaf.