3rd Rock from the Sun

- What are you doing? - I'm waxing the floor.

It's nice to know that every time I take some responsibility,

I move a step closer to my promotion.

You're on the road to the top.

And I don't care who I step on to get there.

Well, nice job, Harry.

Ha! Floor's so shiny, I can see up my own dress.

That's enough.

Sally--

- you touched my radio. - No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. I always leave it tuned

to big country 902.1.

I turned it on, and out came mucho salsa 106.

Well, you used my leg razor to shave your stupid face.

That's because the delicate handle is easier to grip.

Listen, Mr. Anal, I am sick--

hey! Am I gonna have to separate you two?

All we seem to do is argue ever since we came here.

- I don't want to talk about it. - We studied nine galaxies in perfect harmony.

And we didn't leave scuff marks.

We seem to be annoyed with each other.

And as fascinating as that is, it's irritating as hell.

- Sally? - I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.

I just got a shooting pain in my head when you began to speak.

August finds us quite charming

in our naive determination to stay together.

You tell your little girlfriend August to mind her own business.

- Yeah, and don't drink out of the milk carton. - Fine.

Look at this. We're failing here. We're a family.

We're supposed to be getting along. We've got to work on this.

Could you please take this argument off my linoleum floor?

- Come off it, Harry. - Harry, you know what?

I'll give you your promotion if you don't say "really" in the next two minutes.

- Really? - You lose.

Dick, she tricked me.

I don't want to talk about it!

Well, I guess

I just can't have nice things.

- What are you doing under my desk? - Sleeping.

- Why? - Because the top of your desk is hard and cold.

You do have a bed at home, don't you?

Yes, but I can't stand my house.

It's filled with...

family.

- If I lived with my brother, it wouldn't last a week. - You have a brother?

That's great. Tell me about him.

Well, he hasn't quite gotten settled yet.

I don't think he's met the right woman,

not that women are put off by him. Well, some are.

- Most are. - What does he do?

Something different every year.

Right now he's restoring houses. I have a picture of him.

- Is this him? What a gut. - No, that's my mother.

- That's Roy. - Why don't you call him? I'd like to meet him.

- We don't get together much. - You don't get along?

- No, it's just hard. - Does he live far away?

From my house?

Three, four blocks.

- So you choose to have nothing to do with him. - That's not true.

- You don't see him. - Not very much.

- But you'd like to see him? - N-not very much.

- Then you don't want to have anything to do with him. - I didn't say that.

- Well, why don't you call him? - Fine, I'll call him.

- Yes! - We've been meaning to get together.

- I'll ask him to drop by. - Wonderful.

And when he gets here, just act normal.

I'd ask you to do the same,

but I'm afraid that ship has sailed.

Hello. Roy?

Tommy, would you sign my worksheet?

Sure. What did you do?

Well, I pre-peeled all these bananas

for eating ease.

- Well, good job, Harry. - Yeah.

Mangia. Mangia.

Now I know why I like you, Tommy.

You're always supportive and patient with your family.

Just the kind of guy I am.

You spend a lot of time taking care of other people's needs,

- except mine. - Yeah, well--

wait, am I in trouble? How did I get in trouble?

You're not in trouble. We're in trouble.

I really hope we don't have to break up.

Break up? We're not-- when did we break up?

I think it would be good if we focused more on each other.

I'll show you focused. Let's go to a movie Friday night.

- I don't know. - August, please. Please?

- You're so needy. - I'm sorry.

No, I like that in a man.

No, Sally, I will not apologize.

- And let me tell you what--

hello? Hello--

Sally, I am the high commander, and you are not allowed to hang up on--

hello?

Sally?

Dr. Solomon, this is my brother Roy.

Whoa! Your head is huge.

Oh, thank you.

- Enormous! - It's a pleasure to meet you.

How do you get any work done

with all these 18-year-old butts waving in your face?

I try, I try.

- So, tell me all about yourself. - Well...

I mean, it must be fascinating restoring houses.

I don't restore houses. I sell vinyl siding.

I think you underestimate the effect

vinyl has on houses.

Listen to her. She's always bragging on me 'cause she loves me,

- 'cause she's my monkey girl. - Don't do the monkey girl--

aren't you the monkey girl? No, you're the monkey girl.

- You want to hear the monkey sound? - Please.

Please, not the monkey sound! No-- Ow! No, stop.

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

This is wonderful. Playful sibling aggression.

It's fantastic. Please continue.

Mary: no-- ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

You must be Roy. We've spoken.

- I'm Nina. - Hey! It's nice to finally meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Gosh, you don't sound black on the phone.

It's just something I picked up in spy school.

Ooh, he's nice.

I have a great idea.

Why don't the two of you come over for dinner tonight at 7:00?

- No, no, no, no. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- I think the monkey might want to go. - Yes, yes, yes!

Oh, wonderful. Roy, you are the perfect brother.

This is the guy you said was a pompous ass?

That's me.

Sally, the albrights will be here any minute now.

This is a special occasion. Where's the salmon mousse,

the duck terrine, the smoked chub?

You know, Dick,

I have a cleaver in my hand.

I got a date with August. Don't wait up.

Oh, no. No, no.

Dr. Albright and her brother

- are coming to dinner tonight. - So?

You've got to see them together.

They're just... adorable.

Their relationship is everything that our family's isn't.

Well, then you just take good notes

because tonight is my chance to get into Braville.

You can go to Braville some other time.

Mary: hello! Is it safe to come up?

Come on up! Come on up!

Welcome, Albright children.

Oh, allow me to take your coats.

Dick, make a note of it. I am taking initiative and their coats.

Good for you, Harry.

That's my brother Harry,

and this is Tommy, my son.

Hey, partner! How're you doin'?

Hey, what's that? A quarter?

Oh, I get it. You're trying to impress a youngster

with what you think is a mystifying feat of trickery.

He's a smart one, this one.

Cut your hair. You look like a girl.

Here. Sit down.

Everybody just make yourselves comfortable. Let me have that.

- Can I have a glass of that now? - Harry, take the wine.

Wine taken.

Jordan H. Almonds!

You are one beautiful woman.

Why does every man I meet

have to remind me of that like I'm going to forget?

Sally, as siblings,

Roy and Mary are fun-loving

and playful.

You know, Mary and I are thick as thieves.

Monkey, remember the time

mom found all my "playboys," and you said they were yours,

and you had to spend two years in therapy?

Harry, come on in here.

Let's all, uh... be sociable.

- Here-- - I was sitting there.

Just-- just relax.

Interact naturally.

Okay, Roy, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you start things off by telling us

some amusing family story?

Well, I don't know how amusing this is,

but this is the most amazing thing that ever happened to me.

No one wants to hear your stupid story.

No, I think they do want to hear my stupid story.

No, they don't.

Yes, they do want to hear my stupid story.

Dick: this is fascinating. Roy, Roy, Roy!

Please continue.

You're going to think I'm crazy, but...

I was once... abducted

by an alien spacecraft.

Excuse us.

Mary: you promised you wouldn't talk about that.