Whitney

Bro! Come on.

I don't have health insurance.

What? I covered my mouth.

The sneeze throws out over 100,000 germs

at over 90 miles an hour.

You think you can just stop that with your dumb hand?

You're scared of germs, but the other night you went home

with that girl who was licking salt off the bar.

I didn't kiss her.

Oh, my gosh.

It's so weird. I can't stop sneezing.

Oh, honey, I hate it when you're sick.

Dude, your eyes are getting really bloodshot.

Give me that weed.

Hey.

Hi!

Sorry I'm late.

This bar is never where I think it is.

So, lily and her new guy are on their way.

I think they're really good together.

I'm so single for her.

I-I mean happy for her.

I can't believe I haven't met this guy yet.

What's he like?

Okay, well, here's what you need to know.

One, he's not gay. And that's it.

This is so great.

I mean, this is her first serious relationship since Neal,

and for the first time in her life,

she's actually taking it slow with a guy.

Oh, actually, there is one other thing.

He has kind of a... A speech deal.

Oh, please tell me it's not a lisp,

because then I'll start sympathy lith-ping--

Oh, God!

Hi!

- Everyone, this is Eddie. - Hi, Eddie!

I'm Whitney. I'm Lily's best friend.

- Oh, hi. - Hi, I'm mark.

I kissed lily once.

Hey, I'm--

Oh.

I'm R.J. And I have pneumonia.

Hi, Eddie.

I'm so sorry. I'm gonna go wash my hands.

So, um, so you two met at the zoo?

Yeah, Eddie is studying to get his masters

in animal behavioral science.

Eh, it sounds...

Complicated.

- Tell them about the pandas. - Yes!

Tell us about the pandas. We love pandas, right?

- Yeah, adorable. - Oh, yeah, pandas are the bomb.

I wish I was a panda.

Right now I'm studying, um...

Eh...

Obstacles in panda mating,

uh...um...eh...

rituals.

I think my inner ear thing is back.

I'm getting a delay.

Hey, uh, I'm so sorry, man.

So how'd you two meet at the zoo?

Oh, I'll tell you!

Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Oh, monkey. You're the sickest.

I can't believe you were up all night.

Yeah, at least I got a front row seat to your night terrors.

Okay, I went to the market and I got you chicken soup,

orange juice, and a thermometer. Here, open your mouth.

Uh, that doesn't go in my mouth.

Okay, well, then where does it--

- Oh. - Yeah.

Okay, turn over.

Look, I don't even feel that sick.

I just think it's my allergies.

Okay, okay, here.

Well, then take this allergy medicine.

It's a really pretty color.

Eh, I'm already on too many meds.

No such thing.

Just don't mix nyquil and dayquil,

you'll always think it's 4:30.

We just have to figure out what I'm allergic to.

You know, maybe it's dust.

Or the fact that our microwave doesn't close all the way.

Have you been using any new cleaning products?

Yeah, that was a pretty stupid question.

Oh honey, here, come on.

I wish I could be sick for you.

I mean, I was gonna spend all day in bed anyway.

God, my head.

Okay, you-- you're scaring me.

You know what, I'm gonna call your doctor.

And you're obviously allergic to something in this apartment,

so why don't you go down to mark's

and watch TV or something, you know?

Isn't this weekend the foot bowl?

Foot what?

Bowl?

Okay, I'm going down to mark's.

Okay.

You know what? Uh, maybe

you're allergic to this guitar on the wall.

The one that ruins all my instagram photos

and our credibility as a cool couple.

No, you did that when you posted that video of you

on the El dancing to Gangnam Style.

Well, now I have to do it.

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

Come on!

Let's go, bears. Come on, Urlacher!

What did we talk about?

Is this really who you want to be right now?

Hey, man, seriously, can you put, like,

a hoodie or something on over that shirt?

This is my lucky shirt. I've had this shirt

since sophomore year of college. I just put on a little weight

since I started working at the bar.

It's mostly muscle.

Well, you wearing that may mean the bears win,

but I lose.

Do not move from that spot.

We always lose when you wiggle around.

Hey, you know what's weird?

It's been like an hour since I sneezed.

It must be something up in my apartment.

It's your right leg over your left leg.

Kill him!

Hey.

What's up, Winnie the Pooh?

No, no, get out of here. You're bad luck.

We always lose when you come over.

Go home, you witch!

Mark, what happens in this apartment

has nothing to do with what's going on at the game.

Fine. We're gonna lose.

"We"?

You mean the professional athletes

who have no idea you exist?

You don't know how sports works.

Yes, I do.

In high school my nickname was "Homerun."

Hey, you know what's weird? I haven't sneezed in an hour.

I narrowed it down to what you could be allergic to.

It's either your dandruff shampoo, your baby wipes,

or that tiny pillow you put between your knees

when you're "Ti-ti."

Cool, Whit. Thanks for that.

But it can't be any of those things,

because I haven't been using them.

Okay, then you know what?

Let's just stay here at mark's tonight,

because there is obviously something

evil and toxic up in that apartment

that is slowly killing you.

I think we know what you're allergic to!

This is ridiculous. You're not allerrgic to me.

I mean, you've had most of my body in your mouth.

- Hey, Alex. - Hey, Dr. West.

Dr. West, this is Whitney.

Hi. Is he gonna be okay?

Well, let's see.

Allergies, huh? What are you allergic to?

Her. I mean, every time she's near me I can't stop sneezing.

How long has this been going on?

- A week. - All right, well, Whitney,

have you been using any new perfumes,

hair sprays, body glitters?

Okay. I'm not a hooker.

Lily did give me this new lavender oil

that I've been using for... a week.

I bet that's it.

Okay, you know, what should we do?

In my expert medical opinion, stop using that random oil.

Okay, but it's just for this heart thing.

But it's fine. I'll stop.

What heart thing?

Oh, I-I get, like, mini heart attacks.

What?

Okay, what exactly are you talking about?

You know, how like every now and then

your heart stops for, like, 20 seconds?

No!

Okay, this sounds pretty serious.

Have you ever had any tests done,

like an EKG or echocardiogram?

- Well, when I was 12-- - Whoa, hold on.

This has been going on since you were 12?

Everything's been going on since I was 12.

- Did a doctor see you? - Well...

My gym teacher said that I had an irregular heartbeat,

so he sent me to the school nurse

who did something with a machine.

Wait, why did your gym teacher know that

your heartbeat was irregular?

I don't know.

He just put his hand on my chest and he noticed that--

Oh, no.